Thursday, November 1, 2012

In the end-

In 3 days it will have been a week since I spoke with him.  Well, really exchanged text messages with him.  Lately, I have been finding it easy to act like my old 'self' again.  Put a smile on my face, and tuck away the pain until I can deal with it.  As of late, I've been trying to shut my brain off.  No matter how hard I try, it seems as though that burning sensation, that twinge of pain in my chest continues to make itself present.  Sometimes I wish that I could hand someone a fire extinguisher, so they could just numb that pain--that fire burning in my chest.  Alas, it's just one of the many things I am going to have to learn to live with as I go through this. 

This week has been better for me.  I think I have cut myself down to crying only one time a day.  Which, compared to last week, is a pretty big deal.  Yesterday was tough.  I rented a storage unit, so that I could push our memories into a 10x10 square for a bit.  Whether or not this strategy will really work, I am unsure.  Nevertheless, we trucked the furniture and various plastic totes up into that storage unit.  We saved the pictures for last.  I grabbed the large frames wrapped in plastic garbage bags, each of them labeled "I don't wanna see" in Stephanie's handwriting.  All I wanted to do was look at them.  Why?  It's like I am glutton for punishment....

I just can't stop.

That is what got me.  The pictures.  After the storage unit, it was like a flood of everything returning.  Again, all I wanted to do was call him---but that wouldn't do me any good......

More to come.....have to go to work and continue onward.  As much as I could sit here and ramble on and on for hours.

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