This life is what we make it. Or so we've been told in movies, by our mentors, teachers and parents. Yep, this life IS what we make it. There are many paths we can choose, many experiences to be had---and all that other cliche stuff. I guess the truth behind our own lives, and the control that we have over it, sometimes can be overwhelming. As I continue to find myself in the aftermath of the mess that I've been living in for the past three months, it's been hard to accept that I have control over my own happiness. Despite all of the bad things that have happened, I need to know and believe that I have the power to make myself in other ways. Thus, the Circle of Influence and the Circle of Concern have come into play.
The Circle of Concern-
Often, we spend our time worrying about things outside our circle of influence. These are the things we cannot control. For example we can worry about world hunger, war or even all of the people out there afflicted with illness. However, as awful as these things are--we cannot spend the time worrying about them because we can't control them. We cannot influence them. They exist and will always exist because these are problems that not even the world's smartest person can solve.
The Circle Of Influence:
While it is common to worry about the things we cannot control, there is so much that we don't realize we can control. Don't like the way you look? Change it. Don't like your job? Find a new one. Can't stand your boyfriend? Break up with him. There are so many things that we can't control. Yet there are elements within our life, right before our very eyes--that we can control.
This life is what I make it. Regardless of all the shit that happens, this life is what I make it. I feel a lot of things, and I worry more about the the stuff I cannot control than I do the things I can. I worry that I am going to be alone forever. I know that it's stupid for me to worry about that---and I know that love finds you when you least expect it. I just can't help but feeling lonely in that way. So, I've turned my focus to fitness. It's something that I haven't been able to remain consistent in. I started Crossfit yesterday, and I am hoping that the feeling I experienced after Crossfit turns into an addiction that I can't shake. All I want is to feel better. Feel better about me, feel better about who I am and what I stand for. Maybe once that happens; maybe once I love myself then I can find love.
So, I'm making my life. I can't promise I am always going to feel the happiest--but I can try.
A.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
How to Pine (Verb--not Noun)
Pine. No, not a breakfast table or the floor in your house. Not a tree, your nightstand or that antique cabinet that belonged to your grandmother. Nope. Much like the rest of the words in the English language, Pine is a homonym. A homonym is one of two or more words that are spelled alike, but are different in meaning. As it is, the word Pine, for me has a different meaning. Put simply, when 'Pine' is used as a verb, it means to wither or waste away from longing or grief.
I guess I am perseverating on this word, because it is this term that was used to describe my emotional state last week. I was sitting at my desk, just working...when all of a sudden a book was laid on my desk. I looked up to see his mother (who works for the same company), standing there with a book. The book in question, is actually a book of essays that I am published in. Seeing her is always hard. Mostly because I built a second family with him....and now...that is gone. Six years worth of bonding....gone. Regardless of that, as she stood there, she commented:
"I guess I'm the go between you and him."
I pondered, and said:
"No, you are the go between for him because he made this choice and doesn't care about the choice he has made."
She pondered---
"You're not still pining after him, are you?"
Pining. Think about the word and what it implies. It implies that I sit in my room every single day, pondering the demise of my past relationship.
When something ends, or stops abruptly---it is perfectly normal to feel some sense of shock following the initial impact of the end. It's normal to cry, scream--sit and think. It's normal. However, there comes a time when there is nothing left to think about. Naturally, we then must move forward in order to mitigate the risk of 'pining' after what we have lost.
After much thought about this comment, here is the wisdom I can offer. When you lose something, whether it's voluntary or involuntary--you often risk being broken. As human beings, we're all a bit broken in our own way. Behind every set of eyes is a story to be told. Even the happiest and most carefree person you know has some kind of pain hidden behind their facade. It's called having emotion. It's called being human. I guess through all of this, you would think that I have gained a great deal of wisdom. I am not sure you could say that--I sometimes feel the same way I did three months ago. Then there are these moments, these glimpses of hope where I feel like a new girl. So here is what I know.
It's okay to be broken for a time; to pine (if you will) after what you have lost. For a short time, it's okay. However, there has to come a time, when you pick yourself up off the floor and move on. It's necessary, because if you continue to live your life in a broken state....you will never truly live. Now, I know that this is common sense....but for someone who has been living her life with blinders on for quite some time, this is somewhat of a new epiphany.
So, to answer the question that was posed to me last week. NO, I am not pining after him. I do think of him often, and miss him. However, I'm busy these days picking myself up off the floor---and moving forward with a life that I know was meant to be amazing.
I know I was destined for greatness, and my story doesn't include him.
So here's to a new novel in this series I call life. Let's hope it's not reminiscent of Twilight (ha). I hope you are all busy out there writing meaningful chapters of your own......
A.
I guess I am perseverating on this word, because it is this term that was used to describe my emotional state last week. I was sitting at my desk, just working...when all of a sudden a book was laid on my desk. I looked up to see his mother (who works for the same company), standing there with a book. The book in question, is actually a book of essays that I am published in. Seeing her is always hard. Mostly because I built a second family with him....and now...that is gone. Six years worth of bonding....gone. Regardless of that, as she stood there, she commented:
"I guess I'm the go between you and him."
I pondered, and said:
"No, you are the go between for him because he made this choice and doesn't care about the choice he has made."
She pondered---
"You're not still pining after him, are you?"
Pining. Think about the word and what it implies. It implies that I sit in my room every single day, pondering the demise of my past relationship.
When something ends, or stops abruptly---it is perfectly normal to feel some sense of shock following the initial impact of the end. It's normal to cry, scream--sit and think. It's normal. However, there comes a time when there is nothing left to think about. Naturally, we then must move forward in order to mitigate the risk of 'pining' after what we have lost.
After much thought about this comment, here is the wisdom I can offer. When you lose something, whether it's voluntary or involuntary--you often risk being broken. As human beings, we're all a bit broken in our own way. Behind every set of eyes is a story to be told. Even the happiest and most carefree person you know has some kind of pain hidden behind their facade. It's called having emotion. It's called being human. I guess through all of this, you would think that I have gained a great deal of wisdom. I am not sure you could say that--I sometimes feel the same way I did three months ago. Then there are these moments, these glimpses of hope where I feel like a new girl. So here is what I know.
It's okay to be broken for a time; to pine (if you will) after what you have lost. For a short time, it's okay. However, there has to come a time, when you pick yourself up off the floor and move on. It's necessary, because if you continue to live your life in a broken state....you will never truly live. Now, I know that this is common sense....but for someone who has been living her life with blinders on for quite some time, this is somewhat of a new epiphany.
So, to answer the question that was posed to me last week. NO, I am not pining after him. I do think of him often, and miss him. However, I'm busy these days picking myself up off the floor---and moving forward with a life that I know was meant to be amazing.
I know I was destined for greatness, and my story doesn't include him.
So here's to a new novel in this series I call life. Let's hope it's not reminiscent of Twilight (ha). I hope you are all busy out there writing meaningful chapters of your own......
A.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
What's In a Name?
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet." Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)
Beauty. They say it is in the eye of the beholder, and that is something I firmly believe. From a puppies to babies--beauty is in the eye of the beholder. While I realize that the Shakespeare quote above does not discuss beauty, nor does it have anything to do with beauty--I thought it was proper for a few reasons. For those of you who spark-noted Romeo and Juliet in high school, I will give you a very abbreviated version of this dramatic tale.
Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet are two teenagers that hail from feuding families. The two fall in love, despite the implications their relationship will have on the feud---and in a dramatic, star-crossed ending both die as a result of their intense love for one another. One dagger, and a vial of poison later---two teens are dead.
We all know the story of Romeo and Juliet, and even though it's considered to be one of the greatest stories in history--it definitely teaches it's readers much more than Shakespeare's affinity for figurative language. Regardless of his message, and the hidden lessons that stem from this tale, let's talk about Juliet's rhetorical question.
"What's in a name?"
Juliet asks this after she discovers that Romeo is a Montague. Her statement suggests that a name means nothing. A name does not change who a person is on the inside and outside. Much like the name 'rose' does not change the fact that the flower smells delightful. So, as I was pondering appearances and the emphasis placed on appearance, I asked myself:
"What is beauty?"
Well, beauty can have many classifications. For example, my parents have a Bull Terrier, which many consider ugly. We consider her beautiful. Some parents may think their children are the most beautiful babies on the face of this planet. Rightly and justly so. However, there are times when you see a child, and you have to do the smile and nod "He/she is so cute"...and then when you leave you are like "Dear God, I hope that child is blessed with something later in life." I know that sounds awful, because I am certainly, on no accounts beautiful. However, if there is anything that has been top of mind lately for me, it is the concept of beauty. I believe what has sparked this has been my activity on match.com. I don't know if I have ever taken so many chances---and have had so many rejections. It does't make me sad, because technology is so easy to hide behind. It doesn't make me sad because I haven't met these men--and you never know until you try. This is a big milestone for me. Mostly because, if I wasn't in the right frame of mind I would have given up a long time ago. However, I would be lying if I said that I didn't wish that I looked differently.
You are only as beautiful as you believe you are. In my case, I think that I need to try harder to believe that I am. I am not sure what it will take. I am not sure how to pick my self esteem up.
Regardless of everything I have written here...I feel that today's blog has a weak message. All we can do is know that there are beautiful parts to all of us, and that someone out there somewhere finds us to be the most beautiful person that they have ever met. I'm uncertain of who that person is for me, or for you, or for the neighbor down the street. Perhaps it isn't even the person you're with now--which is a harsh reality to even stomach.
I'm going to stop rambling now....more cohesive thoughts to come later. Inspiration has been weak lately--and I doubt that you all want to read about the same thoughts that have been swimming around in my head.
Next blog is to potentially be about the art of flirting....stay tuned, and of course, stay beautiful.
A.
By any other name would smell as sweet." Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)
Beauty. They say it is in the eye of the beholder, and that is something I firmly believe. From a puppies to babies--beauty is in the eye of the beholder. While I realize that the Shakespeare quote above does not discuss beauty, nor does it have anything to do with beauty--I thought it was proper for a few reasons. For those of you who spark-noted Romeo and Juliet in high school, I will give you a very abbreviated version of this dramatic tale.
Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet are two teenagers that hail from feuding families. The two fall in love, despite the implications their relationship will have on the feud---and in a dramatic, star-crossed ending both die as a result of their intense love for one another. One dagger, and a vial of poison later---two teens are dead.
We all know the story of Romeo and Juliet, and even though it's considered to be one of the greatest stories in history--it definitely teaches it's readers much more than Shakespeare's affinity for figurative language. Regardless of his message, and the hidden lessons that stem from this tale, let's talk about Juliet's rhetorical question.
"What's in a name?"
Juliet asks this after she discovers that Romeo is a Montague. Her statement suggests that a name means nothing. A name does not change who a person is on the inside and outside. Much like the name 'rose' does not change the fact that the flower smells delightful. So, as I was pondering appearances and the emphasis placed on appearance, I asked myself:
"What is beauty?"
Well, beauty can have many classifications. For example, my parents have a Bull Terrier, which many consider ugly. We consider her beautiful. Some parents may think their children are the most beautiful babies on the face of this planet. Rightly and justly so. However, there are times when you see a child, and you have to do the smile and nod "He/she is so cute"...and then when you leave you are like "Dear God, I hope that child is blessed with something later in life." I know that sounds awful, because I am certainly, on no accounts beautiful. However, if there is anything that has been top of mind lately for me, it is the concept of beauty. I believe what has sparked this has been my activity on match.com. I don't know if I have ever taken so many chances---and have had so many rejections. It does't make me sad, because technology is so easy to hide behind. It doesn't make me sad because I haven't met these men--and you never know until you try. This is a big milestone for me. Mostly because, if I wasn't in the right frame of mind I would have given up a long time ago. However, I would be lying if I said that I didn't wish that I looked differently.
You are only as beautiful as you believe you are. In my case, I think that I need to try harder to believe that I am. I am not sure what it will take. I am not sure how to pick my self esteem up.
Regardless of everything I have written here...I feel that today's blog has a weak message. All we can do is know that there are beautiful parts to all of us, and that someone out there somewhere finds us to be the most beautiful person that they have ever met. I'm uncertain of who that person is for me, or for you, or for the neighbor down the street. Perhaps it isn't even the person you're with now--which is a harsh reality to even stomach.
I'm going to stop rambling now....more cohesive thoughts to come later. Inspiration has been weak lately--and I doubt that you all want to read about the same thoughts that have been swimming around in my head.
Next blog is to potentially be about the art of flirting....stay tuned, and of course, stay beautiful.
A.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Standing at a Crossroads
It's vacation time...and while it has been relaxing, I've been left to think for a good majority of the week. This state of thought has definitely left me in somewhat of a strange place. One that is nearly catatonic at times.
So right now I'm standing at a crossroads. There aren't two roads to choose from, like my dear friend Robert Frost once wrote. No. I have to make a conscious decision to either turn a cheek and continue on this path, which is self destructive at its best. I can walk down a different path that leads me to self discovery and improvement. I can just push everything away and let it be.....there are a so many ways I can turn.
So where do I go? Who do I need myself to be?
Here is what I can say about my future.
This girl will be on fire.
A.
So right now I'm standing at a crossroads. There aren't two roads to choose from, like my dear friend Robert Frost once wrote. No. I have to make a conscious decision to either turn a cheek and continue on this path, which is self destructive at its best. I can walk down a different path that leads me to self discovery and improvement. I can just push everything away and let it be.....there are a so many ways I can turn.
So where do I go? Who do I need myself to be?
Here is what I can say about my future.
This girl will be on fire.
A.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
It Was Only Just A Dream
Dreams. There's the 'American Dream' which is the topic of many great novels and plays such as The Great Gatsby and Death of a Salesman. Then there are dreams, meaning aspirations or desires for the future (which I guess could be coupled with the idea of the American Dream). Lastly, there are literal dreams; ones that you have while asleep. While I could spend an entire blog analyzing the American Dream, and the implications its had on our society throughout history; I'm not feeling that today.
They say that dreaming is the mind's way of working things out. So let's evaluate what my mind is trying to work out, shall we?
Last night I had a dream that sort of went like this:
Jimena and I were at work talking---when all of a sudden he who must not be named accompanied with two of his friends showed up. They were leisurely walking around the third floor talking---his two friends ahead of him while he followed. Hat backwards, like always. I sat there in awe as he walked up to Jimena, handed her a cup of Starbucks coffee, and said "She's your problem now." I just looked at him as he walked away---and continued to circle the floor--following his friends.
All of a sudden, we are out of the office, and he who must not be named and I are riding in a horse carriage. He's talking to me, and I am screaming at him---screaming because he doesn't care about what he's done to me. He proceeds to tell me that he has slept with 16 people since he broke up with me. He begins to describe what his first act was like---and I remember a sick feeling coming over me in my dream. I became so distraught that I jumped out of the carriage, and started running. Running full speed, but as I was running, he was just walking normally right beside me. I was yelling at him, telling him I couldn't believe that he was acting that way. I asked him how he could feel nothing. He responds "Oh, I feel something." He just continues walking, and I just keep running.
Then I woke up....I mean there was more to it, like him asking about seeing Monroe....often. In the end, all I know, is that when I woke up---I felt like shit. There's a lot going on right now that I feel like I am in control of. Then there's the emotion behind what I am actually feeling. What am I feeling? Right now, I feel inadequate. I think I am going to cancel my match.com account. Nothing is happening with it, and when I do 'wink' at someone---I can see that they have looked at my profile and move on. Life is all about rejection and acceptance right? I honestly think I am trying so hard, looking for something that I am not ready for. So today, as I close this without much analysis and wisdom---I want you all to know that I truly am in a strange place. I wish I could explain it eloquently, but I think I'm just plain sad.....and that's all I can say for now.
Have a great Saturday night...
A.
They say that dreaming is the mind's way of working things out. So let's evaluate what my mind is trying to work out, shall we?
Last night I had a dream that sort of went like this:
Jimena and I were at work talking---when all of a sudden he who must not be named accompanied with two of his friends showed up. They were leisurely walking around the third floor talking---his two friends ahead of him while he followed. Hat backwards, like always. I sat there in awe as he walked up to Jimena, handed her a cup of Starbucks coffee, and said "She's your problem now." I just looked at him as he walked away---and continued to circle the floor--following his friends.
All of a sudden, we are out of the office, and he who must not be named and I are riding in a horse carriage. He's talking to me, and I am screaming at him---screaming because he doesn't care about what he's done to me. He proceeds to tell me that he has slept with 16 people since he broke up with me. He begins to describe what his first act was like---and I remember a sick feeling coming over me in my dream. I became so distraught that I jumped out of the carriage, and started running. Running full speed, but as I was running, he was just walking normally right beside me. I was yelling at him, telling him I couldn't believe that he was acting that way. I asked him how he could feel nothing. He responds "Oh, I feel something." He just continues walking, and I just keep running.
Then I woke up....I mean there was more to it, like him asking about seeing Monroe....often. In the end, all I know, is that when I woke up---I felt like shit. There's a lot going on right now that I feel like I am in control of. Then there's the emotion behind what I am actually feeling. What am I feeling? Right now, I feel inadequate. I think I am going to cancel my match.com account. Nothing is happening with it, and when I do 'wink' at someone---I can see that they have looked at my profile and move on. Life is all about rejection and acceptance right? I honestly think I am trying so hard, looking for something that I am not ready for. So today, as I close this without much analysis and wisdom---I want you all to know that I truly am in a strange place. I wish I could explain it eloquently, but I think I'm just plain sad.....and that's all I can say for now.
Have a great Saturday night...
A.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
The Right Thing
Has anyone ever told you that there is a lesson to be learned in every situation? Well of course a lesson can be learned in even the most minute of situations...but honestly we all know that there are certain scenarios where a lesson is truly learned. When we learn a lesson, what is it exactly that we learn? Sometimes we learn something about ourselves, or we learn the difference between right and wrong. Whatever we learn, some of the hardest lessons to swallow are those that teach us about human nature.
You see, humans are innately flawed. No one person is perfect, and as cliche as that is---there is a difference between being flawed, having faults, or being flawed, recognizing those flaws and faults and working on them. Then there is a horrible truth that we all realize at one point or another: Some people are just plain bad people. Now, this might be offensive and judgmental, but hear me out. It is easy to make bad choices and know that the choice we made is a bad one. However, it is when those choices are made, we realize that it is a bad choice---and it negatively affects others...that is what makes a bad person. We can laugh and joke that life is all about 'choices' and making the right ones. Yes...this is true. Some of our most questionable of decisions not only make the best stories...but also the deepest of lessons. Think about it. I went to school to be a teacher. I worked in the field for 2 years, and after a RIF and a part time position that resulted in full time work---I decided that teaching wasn't for me. I will never regret the choice to teach, nor will I regret leaving teaching....but I learned so much from that life. I will not regret the love I had for 6 years. It taught me what I will and will not accept in the future.
**sidebar: I do not think my ex is a bad person....as much as it would help me move on.**
Bad people. They are all around us...and they are considered bad for different reasons. We all have a little glimpse of a 'bad person' in us. Regardless of that, some are able to disguise the bad person inside for some time. Others just let it out. The ones who are able to hide it are the most talented---and are often the most likable. They go about their daily lives craving to be a part of some facade or in-crowd. They strive to be that ultimate person...because deep down inside they have some sense of inadequacy of their own lives. They are, selfish and conniving...and just as quickly as they were one person, they can become another...for fear that they are no longer able to hide their inadequacies.
You see, I know someone like this. The funny thing about this person is that they are obsessed with having the best of both worlds. I've watched this person destroy everything that lies in their wake without evaluating the consequences. While I would love to go on....the purpose of this blog is for me to evaluate certain aspects of life. I just have one thought to leave you all with:
Yes, there are bad people. However when it comes to encountering bad people...the trick is learning how to play them like they play everyone else around them. In the end, someone, most likely exactly the right person...will point out that they aren't hiding their true selves very well. It will take the right person for this to happen. If you want that person to be you, here is the advice I can offer:
Sit back and watch that person make a complete fool of themselves. In the end...they'll have nothing left to hold on to. In the end, all backs will be turned....all those facades will be useless. That's the reward.
And you'll go to bed smiling.....
A.
You see, humans are innately flawed. No one person is perfect, and as cliche as that is---there is a difference between being flawed, having faults, or being flawed, recognizing those flaws and faults and working on them. Then there is a horrible truth that we all realize at one point or another: Some people are just plain bad people. Now, this might be offensive and judgmental, but hear me out. It is easy to make bad choices and know that the choice we made is a bad one. However, it is when those choices are made, we realize that it is a bad choice---and it negatively affects others...that is what makes a bad person. We can laugh and joke that life is all about 'choices' and making the right ones. Yes...this is true. Some of our most questionable of decisions not only make the best stories...but also the deepest of lessons. Think about it. I went to school to be a teacher. I worked in the field for 2 years, and after a RIF and a part time position that resulted in full time work---I decided that teaching wasn't for me. I will never regret the choice to teach, nor will I regret leaving teaching....but I learned so much from that life. I will not regret the love I had for 6 years. It taught me what I will and will not accept in the future.
**sidebar: I do not think my ex is a bad person....as much as it would help me move on.**
Bad people. They are all around us...and they are considered bad for different reasons. We all have a little glimpse of a 'bad person' in us. Regardless of that, some are able to disguise the bad person inside for some time. Others just let it out. The ones who are able to hide it are the most talented---and are often the most likable. They go about their daily lives craving to be a part of some facade or in-crowd. They strive to be that ultimate person...because deep down inside they have some sense of inadequacy of their own lives. They are, selfish and conniving...and just as quickly as they were one person, they can become another...for fear that they are no longer able to hide their inadequacies.
You see, I know someone like this. The funny thing about this person is that they are obsessed with having the best of both worlds. I've watched this person destroy everything that lies in their wake without evaluating the consequences. While I would love to go on....the purpose of this blog is for me to evaluate certain aspects of life. I just have one thought to leave you all with:
Yes, there are bad people. However when it comes to encountering bad people...the trick is learning how to play them like they play everyone else around them. In the end, someone, most likely exactly the right person...will point out that they aren't hiding their true selves very well. It will take the right person for this to happen. If you want that person to be you, here is the advice I can offer:
Sit back and watch that person make a complete fool of themselves. In the end...they'll have nothing left to hold on to. In the end, all backs will be turned....all those facades will be useless. That's the reward.
And you'll go to bed smiling.....
A.
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