Gold Dust Woman

I have a thirst for something more. I think that most people in life do. Or at least that is what I assume. It's interesting to think that some live a life of sheer content. Content with their jobs, their spouse, their home, etc. Never yearning for something that's just slightly out of reach. Maybe contentment is fine. Maybe we're meant to just find that fit one day (and I'm not talking about 'The One'). What I mean is, perhaps one day we are supposed to let go, and just know where we're at is just where we need to be.

Then again, there's always that nagging thought 'What does more mean, and why do you yearn for it?' What do you want?

The answer to that question is 'I literally have no clue.'

I would say over the course of the last 6 months I've gone through a lot of transformation. So much pondering. SO MUCH. Lots of travels. Those things are good. It gives me a chance for some introspection as well as an opportunity to view the world with a whole new set of eyes. On the flip side, though, it feeds this beast that grows by the day inside of me. No, kids, not like some weird mystical creature or anything like that...I'm not psychotic. It's this beast that just knows I've got to do something. It's like over the course of the last 2-3 months I can let fears go--and I can put myself into an uncomfortable place that I know might be good for me.

I have spent so much time feeling sorry for myself. And people are not afraid to tell me that I live there. I will full on admit that I have lived in a place of self-negativity since approximately 1997. At least since I was old enough to even understand what it meant to be 'self-conscious.' If you know me well enough, you know I can find at least 10 different ways to either make fun of or insult myself during a conversation. It's kind of sad. In fact, it's downright tiring for those that do spend quite a bit of time with me. There are so many good things about Alex Spivey that outweigh the things I think might be bad. Shit happens--and that's rough. It's like my favorite Rocky quote:

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"

Sounds cliche. And it is. But Sly is right. Life will beat you to your knees and keep you there. Because life doesn't stop. And it doesn't care what's happened to you over the course of a month or a year, etc. It just keeps going. Sometimes we make our own beds, and so, we have to lie in them. Sometimes shit just happens by chance. Because, well, you know, as Jeff Spivey used to say 'We make plans...God laughs." Often times that 'shit' just throws you into a tailspin, causing much wallowing and sometimes self deprecation. But I'm telling you right now, sometimes, it just pushes you in a different direction. Kind of like the stock market. The highs and lows of life. Sometimes life altering, sometimes devastating, sometimes downright fruitful. It just is. 

Pause. What am I getting at here? Honestly, today's entry is giving you 1:1 insight into the mind that is mine--and has been mine over the course of the last 4 months or so. If there's one thing I know..it's that I want to make efforts to do something good for me for once. I don't know what that is, and I don't know what that means. Because right now my brain is like that of a 16 year old kid (with a tinge more logic because I guess my brain is fully developed by now). I can't make a decision about what I need to do to quench my current life thirst.

First mission of this new life path I'm on is to figure that out. To that I say...

Rock on gold dust woman...take your sliver spoon...

A.  

Dear Dad...

365 Days.


I typed one set of numbers and one word, and now I just sit here watching the cursor blink on the screen. It's almost mesmerizing.

What do you say? And when do you stop feeling like you need to say something? When do you stop feeling like you're saying too much? When do you stop feeling like you tell the same stories over and over and over again?

When do you feel like you can finally let go and be okay with it?

Is it okay to let go and be okay with it?

I don't have these answers, and it would seem as though others seem to have the same standard answers. You know the ones I'm talking about, right?

• He's always with you
• He can hear you
• He would be proud

Maybe you would, maybe you wouldn't. It's never possible to predict what any one person would say or feel about the things you're doing or the way you live your life. I can't make that prediction. I can only guess what you might say or think about certain situations.

Truth is, not much has changed in these 365 glorious days. I mean, I guess with me. You were gone, and in the blink of an eye, time stopped. And everything just hung in the balance. Thrown into slow motion, like in the movies where you're standing in a room and everything moves around you all distorted. Then someone hit the remote, and life was thrust into fast forward. And there was me, standing in the same room, watching the same people move from slow to fast. I went from seeing nothing, to seeing everything. I went from standing in that very same room, saying nothing...to just standing there, screaming my lungs out...and no one could hear me. I guess those are the motions of grief though. And the motions are personal, and they're angering, and they're terrifying, and they're lonely.

The vision that is stuck in my head is like a movie of February 20, 2017-February 25, 2017. And I won't go into the details of that movie here. But my brain is set on repeat, and I just see you looking at me like you want to say something...but you can't. And it literally breaks my heart into pieces.

Maybe someday those memories will fade...and the good ones will return.

I don't know why I decided to write you a letter in the form of a blog. I suppose I just didn't know what else to say. What I do want to do, is tell you about all of the good things that have happened since you've been gone:

• Babies have been born
• People have gotten married 
• People have moved on and found happiness in new states
• New opportunities have come to those that have least expected it 
• People have been able to better themselves 
• Good music continues to come out 
• Travels have occurred and are still in the works 
• Oh, and I got the courage up to ask for an office...and I'm getting one...and it's pretty legit

 And it hasn't stopped. The sun keeps shining, the world keeps turning, and there's still beauty to see. I think, at the end of the day, that's all you want. Shit happens, and sure, sometimes we feel stuck, but you know what? That's life. We're all going to keep on living, and with a little shine. Because after all, what else should we do?

I want you to know that I've been both happy and sad. I've been lonely, but also full of love. I've often hidden my grief from the world, or tried to at least, because I feel like it's such an intensely private thing. I've forced smiles sometimes, and have tried to hide tears...because I just don't want people to see that part of me all of the time.

You and I had many talks about life. And recently I read a very thought provoking question:

If you died tomorrow, would you be satisfied? Would you be happy with what you have done?

I think, my answer would be 'No'.

If we were having this conversation you would say:

D: Why do you say that?
A: Because there's so much I should have done or should be doing by now.
D: Why do you think that?
A: Because it seems like the right progression of things that should happen in one's life
D: What's stopping you?
A: Me. I'm afraid. So I focus all of my energy into other things.
D:  Then I guess you know what you need to do then, don't you?
A: Yes.
D: You do what you need to do. 

I know what I need to do. I don't know how exactly I'm going to get there. But I want you to know I'll get there someday. No matter what I have to do.
 

Lastly...
Even though I act tough, I want you to know that I do wonder if you're proud of me. There are times when I do something, and I know it to be true. There are other times, when I just wish I had the validation. But I guess, deep down inside, I don't need it. I love you every day, a thousand times over. Always. And I'll keep doing my best to roll along...because in the words of our good friend:

"After all, it's what we've done that makes us what we are."
                                                                                                -Jim Croce



Love Always,
Alexandria 




WJS
07/27/57-02/25/17