Easter Sunday. It's all about renewal and the rising of Jesus Christ. For some of us, Easter is a time where we celebrate our successes---in the sense that we might have successfully given something up for Lent. For others, we might use it as a time of reflection. Unfortunately for some, we might think about how we tried to give something up for lent....and might have been unsuccessful. Even so, I've thought about Easter this year, and gave up being sad for Lent. I would love to say that I was 100% successful; however I would be lying if I said I was.
Overall, I think that I did an amazing job. I've had people tell me lately that they can see I am happier, just by my eyes. They don't look so sad anymore. I feel like I need to keep that up. It's been one of the hardest things that I've had to conquer. The sadness. It has been very hard to not feel inadequate, ugly, unimpressive and ordinary. The more I think about all of those things I just listed....the more and more I think about how it's so possible to project those feelings to make that all actually true. I am none of that. Yes, I said it. I am none of that. I am not sure how long it is going to take before I actually believe it....but I need to keep saying it.
Sometimes, the more we tell ourselves something....the more apt we are to believe it.
Looks like I'll be talking to myself quite a bit these days.....
A.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
Chronicles
Blogging from Texas via my iPhone....so I apologize in advance if there are errors that I missed.
So ladies and gentleman, I feel as though I'm standing in a hole. It's not a giant crater, or a trench that I can't get out of. This hole is one that I can choose to get out of without a problem. There is a bit of mud in it, which makes getting out a tad more difficult; however it isn't one of those situations where I envision myself scratching at the sides of this hole until my fingernails bleed. I've been so busy as of late that I haven't had time to stop and think. Which, we all know isn't a bad thing. Thinking often leads to negativity these days.
I guess if I am going to be fully honest with all of my readers, I must tell you all that he contacted me. He contacted me because our best friends (well formerly for him) got engaged last week. He wanted me to congratulate them on his behalf. Which, I didn't think really needed to happen---mostly because he could've congratulated them, and if they didn't answer....then he could have let it be. The conversation moved into how I'm doing--his responses to me were emotionless and business-like per the usual. We rehashed the breakup. Again, his responses were emotionless and business-like. At the end of it all, I'm no more enlightened than I was before he reached out to me. I don't entirely know why I expected to be, because his reasons are his reasons and they make sense to him. To him, that is all that matters. You see, in the grand equation that was the 6 years of our relationship, towards the end....he did quite a bit that didn't make sense when it all came down to it. Number one factor being the home that we purchased. At the end of the day, this is all still over....and I'm still here trying to pick up the pieces.
I'd love to tell you all that our text conversation didn't affect me. It did and it didn't. Overall, it did put me in a funk for a day...but you see, he knew what he was doing when he texted me. I'm not event sure if the motive was to really congratulate our friends, or if it was to somehow see how I was doing. Perhaps there was no anterior motive at all. Maybe it was what it was. Nothing more, nothing less.
I'm not sure what I'm still holding on to. My loneliness and my heart---the anxiety and fear I feel is tricking me into holding on to something that had ended long before he sent the email breaking things off. My brain, my determination to lose weight and become an overall better person to myself is what's peeling my fingertips off of anything that remains. So who do I trust, who do I listen to? The answer is a logical one...naturally.
Moving on. It is the choice we have when standing at a crossroad like the one I'm at. I suppose I should go back to my initial analogy, so I make sure to tie everything back together. The hole. Get out of it. Even if I were in a crater or trench....the only choice would be to scratch and fight my way out as hard as you can. Even if my fingernails are bleeding. Get out.
Now comes the hard part: following my own advice. Someone once told me that my blogs make sense, but that I need to learn how to follow my own advice. I wish I had the confidence to do so. It always sounds so much better on paper, doesn't it?
So as I sit here in Texas, getting ready to go home (and feeling sad about it), I think about so many of the things I want to accomplish. The changes I want to continue to make, and the changes I anticipate in the future. They say good things come to those who wait, and sometimes that is true. I guess, I say, I make my own luck.
A.
So ladies and gentleman, I feel as though I'm standing in a hole. It's not a giant crater, or a trench that I can't get out of. This hole is one that I can choose to get out of without a problem. There is a bit of mud in it, which makes getting out a tad more difficult; however it isn't one of those situations where I envision myself scratching at the sides of this hole until my fingernails bleed. I've been so busy as of late that I haven't had time to stop and think. Which, we all know isn't a bad thing. Thinking often leads to negativity these days.
I guess if I am going to be fully honest with all of my readers, I must tell you all that he contacted me. He contacted me because our best friends (well formerly for him) got engaged last week. He wanted me to congratulate them on his behalf. Which, I didn't think really needed to happen---mostly because he could've congratulated them, and if they didn't answer....then he could have let it be. The conversation moved into how I'm doing--his responses to me were emotionless and business-like per the usual. We rehashed the breakup. Again, his responses were emotionless and business-like. At the end of it all, I'm no more enlightened than I was before he reached out to me. I don't entirely know why I expected to be, because his reasons are his reasons and they make sense to him. To him, that is all that matters. You see, in the grand equation that was the 6 years of our relationship, towards the end....he did quite a bit that didn't make sense when it all came down to it. Number one factor being the home that we purchased. At the end of the day, this is all still over....and I'm still here trying to pick up the pieces.
I'd love to tell you all that our text conversation didn't affect me. It did and it didn't. Overall, it did put me in a funk for a day...but you see, he knew what he was doing when he texted me. I'm not event sure if the motive was to really congratulate our friends, or if it was to somehow see how I was doing. Perhaps there was no anterior motive at all. Maybe it was what it was. Nothing more, nothing less.
I'm not sure what I'm still holding on to. My loneliness and my heart---the anxiety and fear I feel is tricking me into holding on to something that had ended long before he sent the email breaking things off. My brain, my determination to lose weight and become an overall better person to myself is what's peeling my fingertips off of anything that remains. So who do I trust, who do I listen to? The answer is a logical one...naturally.
Moving on. It is the choice we have when standing at a crossroad like the one I'm at. I suppose I should go back to my initial analogy, so I make sure to tie everything back together. The hole. Get out of it. Even if I were in a crater or trench....the only choice would be to scratch and fight my way out as hard as you can. Even if my fingernails are bleeding. Get out.
Now comes the hard part: following my own advice. Someone once told me that my blogs make sense, but that I need to learn how to follow my own advice. I wish I had the confidence to do so. It always sounds so much better on paper, doesn't it?
So as I sit here in Texas, getting ready to go home (and feeling sad about it), I think about so many of the things I want to accomplish. The changes I want to continue to make, and the changes I anticipate in the future. They say good things come to those who wait, and sometimes that is true. I guess, I say, I make my own luck.
A.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Alex's Adventures in Online Dating: Part I
Online dating. You've heard me sort of discuss it before....and yes, I am embarrassed to admit that it is something I have turned to in order to meet people. All of my friends are pretty much in relationships, and so are their friends; thus I must venture out into the world of online dating to get back into the groove, the dating groove.
Now, dating isn't as much of a groove, as it is sort of a bad tango. Yes, a tango. You see, in the art of dance, you have those who are amazing. Their steps sort of just mesh and blend together so well, that the person dancing looks like they are floating on air. You then have those who aren't so flawless with their steps, but they can learn, and pretty soon the steps come to that person as if they were a natural part of their everyday repertoire. Lastly, you have people who are just plain bad/awkward at dancing. There's no hope for these people because they are just awkward.
I don't know which category I fall into. I guess I'm a bit awkward in my own way. I like to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians, I watch Chopped religiously, and yes, I'm obsessed with the Titanic. We all have our quarks. I just think that sometimes people can appreciate quarks and others cannot. I am not saying that I am this overly awkward human being that is socially inept. I observe people, am quiet at first, and then once you get to know me...I often don't shut up. That's neither here nor there, really...so let's talk about the most recent dating adventure I had.
Mom, if you're reading this. I went on a blind date recently. Yes, a blind date. Sorry I didn't tell you earlier.
Let the story begin.
Firstly, let me start out by telling you that the dating websites that offer 'icebreaker' type communication are indeed, quite strange. It encourages forced, awkward, conversation, which I think in some situations can be a good thing. However, I don't think that you get enough of the real person that way. So, I get the forced awkward, icebreaker notification on my phone, from this guy. We won't name him here. It starts off with:
"Your profile made me smile."
Well, never receiving this before, I thought I was special. When I received the same type of comment two days later from another person, I realized that these were one of those pre-populated messages that could be sent to someone. Okay. Fair enough. The conversation went on, through a series of pre-populated levels. You ask the person various questions, such as:
"If you were to go out on a Saturday night, you would.....???."
Then there are many options that can be provided, or the person can provide their own answer. So, I received generic answers. We moved on to pre-populated likes and dislikes. Generic answers there. Then we moved on to actual conversation. Which, was mostly forced on my part. It's interesting when this happens, because if I didn't initiate things in the first place, why should I have to carry the conversation. We talked a bit, and then the question came:
"Do you maybe want to get together sometime this week?"
I took a chance. Why not? We chose on a public place and a date.
I was late. I left work late per the usual, and then me being me, I got lost. When I got there, we met inside, and he didn't even look at me when he said hello. He looked nervous, but didn't really make any eye contact.
We sit down, and I make some kind of nervous comment about how it took me forever to get there. We order drinks. He orders a beer, which I think is a good sign because he's not overly straight edge. He then asks me what I like to watch. I tell him Walking Dead, Keeping up with the Kardashians, Chopped....and this is when things go awry.
Whist eating his soup, this individual goes on a 10 minute long rant about how the Kardashians in addition to reality television are what's wrong with this country, That watching them is only contributing to the stupidity of our generation...and that they are not important.
I sit there eating my salad, wondering how I can exit right from this psycho.
Our dinner comes, he has pizza, I have noodles. He asks me what else I like to do with my time. I tell him that I am going to most likely get my motorcycle license. He then retorts "What are you going to get a whole bunch of tattoos and become a biker chick?" I smile politely and retort "No."
We continue to eat.
He chokes on a piece of sausage. I laugh.
Now, it may be mean, albeit cruel for me to react in the way that I did. However, after tolerating his snarky comments, I had to. He coughs, and works up a sweat. I ask if he is ''OK" and he responds "I'll live." It was like Karma was knocking on the door somehow telling him to CALM DOWN.
He pretty much coughs for 10 minutes. While wiping the sweat off his brow...
When it comes time for the check I insist that we split it. I know at this point that we are not going to be speaking again, and I am not having a 'paid for' dinner on my conscience.
I pay, I tip. I put the booklet in the middle of the table so that he can do the same. he opens the book, looks at my tip and says "At least you tipped well."
In my head I wanted to lose it on this dude. So I just say "Well, I don't really know percentages that well, I am not a math person." He quickly snaps back with "I know percentages all the time."
Alex thought: "I know lots of things, and all I want to do is punch you in the head right now."
So we get up to leave and just to be nice, I say "Well, it was nice meeting you, hope to talk to you soon."
He pauses. "We'll see."
We'll see?! If Jimena was there, she would have said "Or NOT." I laugh, and that is all I can do, because I am not disappointed. He was not my type.
And so...(and yes, I started with and)...I continue onward......
Here's to the next one, I guess.
A.
Now, dating isn't as much of a groove, as it is sort of a bad tango. Yes, a tango. You see, in the art of dance, you have those who are amazing. Their steps sort of just mesh and blend together so well, that the person dancing looks like they are floating on air. You then have those who aren't so flawless with their steps, but they can learn, and pretty soon the steps come to that person as if they were a natural part of their everyday repertoire. Lastly, you have people who are just plain bad/awkward at dancing. There's no hope for these people because they are just awkward.
I don't know which category I fall into. I guess I'm a bit awkward in my own way. I like to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians, I watch Chopped religiously, and yes, I'm obsessed with the Titanic. We all have our quarks. I just think that sometimes people can appreciate quarks and others cannot. I am not saying that I am this overly awkward human being that is socially inept. I observe people, am quiet at first, and then once you get to know me...I often don't shut up. That's neither here nor there, really...so let's talk about the most recent dating adventure I had.
Mom, if you're reading this. I went on a blind date recently. Yes, a blind date. Sorry I didn't tell you earlier.
Let the story begin.
Firstly, let me start out by telling you that the dating websites that offer 'icebreaker' type communication are indeed, quite strange. It encourages forced, awkward, conversation, which I think in some situations can be a good thing. However, I don't think that you get enough of the real person that way. So, I get the forced awkward, icebreaker notification on my phone, from this guy. We won't name him here. It starts off with:
"Your profile made me smile."
Well, never receiving this before, I thought I was special. When I received the same type of comment two days later from another person, I realized that these were one of those pre-populated messages that could be sent to someone. Okay. Fair enough. The conversation went on, through a series of pre-populated levels. You ask the person various questions, such as:
"If you were to go out on a Saturday night, you would.....???."
Then there are many options that can be provided, or the person can provide their own answer. So, I received generic answers. We moved on to pre-populated likes and dislikes. Generic answers there. Then we moved on to actual conversation. Which, was mostly forced on my part. It's interesting when this happens, because if I didn't initiate things in the first place, why should I have to carry the conversation. We talked a bit, and then the question came:
"Do you maybe want to get together sometime this week?"
I took a chance. Why not? We chose on a public place and a date.
I was late. I left work late per the usual, and then me being me, I got lost. When I got there, we met inside, and he didn't even look at me when he said hello. He looked nervous, but didn't really make any eye contact.
We sit down, and I make some kind of nervous comment about how it took me forever to get there. We order drinks. He orders a beer, which I think is a good sign because he's not overly straight edge. He then asks me what I like to watch. I tell him Walking Dead, Keeping up with the Kardashians, Chopped....and this is when things go awry.
Whist eating his soup, this individual goes on a 10 minute long rant about how the Kardashians in addition to reality television are what's wrong with this country, That watching them is only contributing to the stupidity of our generation...and that they are not important.
I sit there eating my salad, wondering how I can exit right from this psycho.
Our dinner comes, he has pizza, I have noodles. He asks me what else I like to do with my time. I tell him that I am going to most likely get my motorcycle license. He then retorts "What are you going to get a whole bunch of tattoos and become a biker chick?" I smile politely and retort "No."
We continue to eat.
He chokes on a piece of sausage. I laugh.
Now, it may be mean, albeit cruel for me to react in the way that I did. However, after tolerating his snarky comments, I had to. He coughs, and works up a sweat. I ask if he is ''OK" and he responds "I'll live." It was like Karma was knocking on the door somehow telling him to CALM DOWN.
He pretty much coughs for 10 minutes. While wiping the sweat off his brow...
When it comes time for the check I insist that we split it. I know at this point that we are not going to be speaking again, and I am not having a 'paid for' dinner on my conscience.
I pay, I tip. I put the booklet in the middle of the table so that he can do the same. he opens the book, looks at my tip and says "At least you tipped well."
In my head I wanted to lose it on this dude. So I just say "Well, I don't really know percentages that well, I am not a math person." He quickly snaps back with "I know percentages all the time."
Alex thought: "I know lots of things, and all I want to do is punch you in the head right now."
So we get up to leave and just to be nice, I say "Well, it was nice meeting you, hope to talk to you soon."
He pauses. "We'll see."
We'll see?! If Jimena was there, she would have said "Or NOT." I laugh, and that is all I can do, because I am not disappointed. He was not my type.
And so...(and yes, I started with and)...I continue onward......
Here's to the next one, I guess.
A.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Accept it.
Today we are celebrating Oma's birthday early. I'll be in California on business this week, so we won't be able to celebrate the day of. Either way, for some reason it's this event that is giving me the most anxiety. I mean, stomach hurting, heart racing, heavy breathing. It isn't like he would be here anyway, because he'd have to work. It's the feeling of knowing that I am not leaving to go to a home of my own this time; that feeling of loneliness that is creeping back into my heart---that feeling that gets to me at least once a month. Today I set the table for five seats. No Opa, no he who must not be named. Just all of the people we started off with to begin with---minus one.
So blog readers, I think that I have come to accept it. Accept that I am alone right now. I think that the hardest thing to see right now, are the pending marriages and new lives that are beginning. I want nothing more than to feel that love again. It's not out of desperation, it's just something I had for quite some time that I grew used to. I've been told that I need to be happy with me before I can be happy with anyone else. As I drove around with my Dad after breakfast yesterday, I did feel some sense of contentment. Knowing that I am not alone in every capacity of my life really helps. There have been so many people in my life lately, that really have helped me get through this in my own way. Moreover, they have accepted the way that I have worked through this. I can't mention all of you....you know who you are.
All I can say is Thank You.
Now....I am going to end this blog, and begin another. That blog, is going to be a shock to some of you....but I think that it is going to be quite hilarious to others. Stay tuned....
A.
So blog readers, I think that I have come to accept it. Accept that I am alone right now. I think that the hardest thing to see right now, are the pending marriages and new lives that are beginning. I want nothing more than to feel that love again. It's not out of desperation, it's just something I had for quite some time that I grew used to. I've been told that I need to be happy with me before I can be happy with anyone else. As I drove around with my Dad after breakfast yesterday, I did feel some sense of contentment. Knowing that I am not alone in every capacity of my life really helps. There have been so many people in my life lately, that really have helped me get through this in my own way. Moreover, they have accepted the way that I have worked through this. I can't mention all of you....you know who you are.
All I can say is Thank You.
Now....I am going to end this blog, and begin another. That blog, is going to be a shock to some of you....but I think that it is going to be quite hilarious to others. Stay tuned....
A.
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