Monday, March 25, 2013


Blogging from Texas via my I apologize in advance if there are errors that I missed.

So ladies and gentleman, I feel as though I'm standing in a hole. It's not a giant crater, or a trench that I can't get out of. This hole is one that I can choose to get out of without a problem. There is a bit of mud in it, which makes getting out a tad more difficult; however it isn't one of those situations where I envision myself scratching at the sides of this hole until my fingernails bleed. I've been so busy as of late that I haven't had time to stop and think. Which, we all know isn't a bad thing. Thinking often leads to negativity these days.

I guess if I am going to be fully honest with all of my readers, I must tell you all that he contacted me. He contacted me because our best friends (well formerly for him) got engaged last week. He wanted me to congratulate them on his behalf. Which, I didn't think really needed to happen---mostly because he could've congratulated them, and if they didn't answer....then he could have let it be. The conversation moved into how I'm doing--his responses to me were emotionless and business-like per the usual. We rehashed the breakup. Again, his responses were emotionless and business-like. At the end of it all, I'm no more enlightened than I was before he reached out to me. I don't entirely know why I expected to be, because his reasons are his reasons and they make sense to him. To him, that is all that matters. You see, in the grand equation that was the 6 years of our relationship, towards the end....he did quite a bit that didn't make sense when it all came down to it. Number one factor being the home that we purchased. At the end of the day, this is all still over....and I'm still here trying to pick up the pieces.

I'd love to tell you all that our text conversation didn't affect me. It did and it didn't. Overall, it did put me in a funk for a day...but you see, he knew what he was doing when he texted me. I'm not event sure if the motive was to really congratulate our friends, or if it was to somehow see how I was doing. Perhaps there was no anterior motive at all. Maybe it was what it was. Nothing more, nothing less.

I'm not sure what I'm still holding on to. My loneliness and my heart---the anxiety and fear I feel is tricking me into holding on to something that had ended long before he sent the email breaking things off. My brain, my determination to lose weight and become an overall better person to myself is what's peeling my fingertips off of anything that remains. So who do I trust, who do I listen to? The answer is a logical one...naturally.

Moving on. It is the choice we have when standing at a crossroad like the one I'm at. I suppose I should go back to my initial analogy, so I make sure to tie everything back together. The hole. Get out of it. Even if I were in a crater or trench....the only choice would be to scratch and fight my way out as hard as you can. Even if my fingernails are bleeding. Get out.

Now comes the hard part: following my own advice. Someone once told me that my blogs make sense, but that I need to learn how to follow my own advice. I wish I had the confidence to do so. It always sounds so much better on paper, doesn't it?

So as I sit here in Texas, getting ready to go home (and feeling sad about it), I think about so many of the things I want to accomplish. The changes I want to continue to make, and the changes I anticipate in the future. They say good things come to those who wait, and sometimes that is true. I guess, I say, I make my own luck.


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