Accept it.

Today we are celebrating Oma's birthday early.  I'll be in California on business this week, so we won't be able to celebrate the day of.  Either way, for some reason it's this event that is giving me the most anxiety.  I mean, stomach hurting, heart racing, heavy breathing.  It isn't like he would be here anyway, because he'd have to work.  It's the feeling of knowing that I am not leaving to go to a home of my own this time; that feeling of loneliness that is creeping back into my heart---that feeling that gets to me at least once a month.  Today I set the table for five seats.  No Opa, no he who must not be named.   Just all of the people we started off with to begin with---minus one. 

So blog readers, I think that I have come to accept it.  Accept that I am alone right now.  I think that the hardest thing to see right now, are the pending marriages and new lives that are beginning.  I want nothing more than to feel that love again.  It's not out of desperation, it's just something I had for quite some time that I grew used to.  I've been told that I need to be happy with me before I can be happy with anyone else.  As I drove around with my Dad after breakfast yesterday, I did feel some sense of contentment.  Knowing that I am not alone in every capacity of my life really helps.  There have been so many people in my life lately, that really have helped me get through this in my own way.  Moreover, they have accepted the way that I have worked through this.  I can't mention all of you....you know who you are. 

All I can say is Thank You.

Now....I am going to end this blog, and begin another.  That blog, is going to be a shock to some of you....but I think that it is going to be quite hilarious to others.   Stay tuned....


A.