2021.
Well here we are. It's been two years since my last post (**queue meme of old Rose from Titanic**).
I've had plenty to say/share, but no motivation to do so. I mean, let's be honest, there hasn't been a shortage of people's thoughts lately. Candidly, not for the last two years. When I go back and read these 'Al' gems, words written on the pages of the interweb(s) telling you all my thoughts and feelings, I sometimes feel embarrassed. Other times, I'm like, dang girl, you were profound. In many ways I still am, I just keep those gems to myself.
So where are we at? Well, it's currently 11:13A, and I'm sitting in my home office, listening to the dogs bark at what I'm assuming is a squirrel or a blade of grass moving. One can't be too sure. But these are the things we've gotten used to over the course of the last two years. Dogs barking, kids in meetings, etc. These days, when you're on a call, and your dog starts barking insanely, or opens the door behind you, you no longer have to apologize. Because, well, that's real life. It's the commonality of every day human existence.
Human existence. The very thing that has been called into question since March of 2020. Now, I'm not trying to get all philosophical--and I am not saying that I sit here every day pondering this very subject. Times have been scary for quite a few. It's all about the unknown, or what people think they know. Or what people don't know, but think they know. Or, what we just simply, hands down, don't know at all. It's been like a game of 'Let's try this....finger's crossed' for a bit, and then we learn I suppose. But I'm not here to be political, or talk about the pandemic. I guess what I'm here to do, is something I've been wanting to do. And that's write. Write without a purpose or end-goal in mind. And if you want to read it, then read it. If you don't, then I suggest you stop here.
As I sat down to write this, I thought to myself 'Man, you're really off of your game. You don't really have much to say at all'. I've been spending time with my inner dialogue for the better part of two years now, and I've written some great content in my head. But then I never actually write it down. So it's lost forever in the diary of my brain.
But here's what I do know.
Life has been strange. In my last blog, was riding high after a year of successes. First time trips, new house, promotion, etc. This blog, I'm complacent. Maybe it's because I spent the better part of a year feeling like every day was the same. Maybe it's because we've all gotten used to just going with the flow, adjusting to our new-found routines without skipping a beat. Maybe it's because, whether we want to admit it or not, time has flown--and we haven't stopped to catch up. They say you shouldn't look back. Isn't that the way of our friend Walt Whitman? "Keep your face always toward the sunshine, and the shadows will fall behind you." Thanks, Walt. I agree with Walt's sentiments, in that we cannot fix the past. We cannot change it. Nevertheless, I also believe, that human nature dictates we're almost handcuffed to it. Maybe handcuffed isn't the right terminology. I think the past is a big part of who we are and who we choose to become.
I have grown so much since I started writing this blog in 2012. If you knew me then, and you know me now, you know that the person sitting behind this screen today is very different. I often wrote of the feeling that the world was passing me by. Like I was in a time warp, and life kept moving, but I just stood in the center of the earth and watched it. I don't necessarily feel that way today. I think sometimes we all invest time in the things that fulfill us. For some, the journey of finding those things is half of the story. The constant pursuit of happiness, that keeps us moving. That pursuit, while exciting, can also be damn frustrating at the same time. I am a firm believer that we are, at any given time, exactly where we are supposed to be. Understanding, that what I am trying to say here, is that there is a pressure around this concept of time. Which is, in fact, the one thing we can never get back. Ever.
Time is a funny thing. It's the most quiet thief we know. An unrelenting reminder of the one thing that isn't promised to us. Remember sitting in class, watching the clock? I do, specifically in math (mostly because I hate math). I wonder now, how many seconds I wished away in my life. And dang, that sits with you for a minute. Because I think of all the time I wish I had back. There's this sense in which, I want to create the most meaningful life I can. That means different things for each of us. For some it's creating a personal legacy--in whatever manner you see fit. For others, it's leaving a lasting impression on this tiny planet of ours. I don't claim to know much about creating a meaningful life--nor do I claim to be an expert on the best use of time. I mean, let's be honest, it's December 21st, and I haven't wrapped one Christmas present. But I do know something about the meaning of time---since I'm fairly obsessed with this concept, as we all know.
2020-2021 presented us with a lot of challenges (here come's the HR speak). But it did give us a gift in a way. It gave us time. Yes, we all got tired of sitting in our homes. Yes, we got tired of watching Tiger King, and finding things to do when we couldn't go out and about. And yes, we felt it--when all we wanted to do was hug a loved one. Those things, those are the things that set us back. But we also came to an understanding of balance. Of really taking things in, of really sitting and appreciating the things that matter. So yes, when I went to get an emissions test in the summer of 2020, and I had to sit in a line for 60 minutes, I didn't even care. Because my heart was still beating, and the sun was shining---and time, well, it wasn't such a quiet thief anymore. Time and I had come to an understanding. That I was going to give it the credence it deserved--and that perhaps if I didn't wish it away, then we'd figure out how to coexist. How to make the most of the things life throws at us.
As I like to often tell you all--there are many things I am, and many things I am not. As much as I try, I know that I will never stop being the person that's in their own head. I've come to terms with that, because it's who I've always been. I also know, that I will never be satisfied. Don't get concerned, I don't mean that in a bad way. I just know, that I will always push to be better in the ways that I see fit. To make that lasting impression, not for others, but for myself. As long as my legs keep working, I'll keep running--and I think that's all any of us can ever do. Embrace what happens in the moment (good or bad), and take it as time's lesson to us all.
As we look to 22', there's' often this inherent need to plan ahead. Map out our goals, set our sights on the good to come. I've done some of this. But I've also learned the importance of baby steps. I know that many of us continue the pursuit of things that make us feel whole. But as we go into this next year, I encourage you to think about the things that make you fee whole now. Those are the things that keep you going today--and if there happens to be something missing, then figure out the small ways to obtain that missing piece of the puzzle. Don't forget along the way, to take in every moment.
As I round this out, I'd like to think that I can promise it won't be another two years before I share (what might seem to some) my random thoughts. The end of the year just always seems like a nice time to tie things together. But I don't think I can make that promise. Who knows--
It goes without saying, that I wish you all health & happiness in 2022.
A.
