Just when I thought I couldn't feel any worse. It's worse. In all of this, one of the main things I've had to get me through this was my job. In every conversation I've had, the response is always "Well at least you have a good job, you can provide for yourself (etc.) Well, all that has changed as of today. Please don't think that I make a business out of telling everyone what's going on in my life constantly. It just seems like the only way that I can get everything off of my chest is by telling everyone what's going on.
So I did have a job. A good one. Until I heard the words 'Cost Savings Initiative.' So that's where I am at. I'm 25. I live with my parents. I sleep in a twin sized bed. I've now been laid off. My last day is June 3. So where do I go from here? I need to try and find a job that is as good as the one I have. I just feel so lost in so many ways. I keep hearing that this is all part of a bigger plan. What's the plan for me?
A.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Fading
There's been many happenings lately. I've been so busy this past week, and really these past few months, that I haven't had time to stop and think. Which, as we all know, is a good thing really. Now that all of the big events at work have passed, I find myself again realizing the reality of what I feel. I feel sad that I need to find myself again in all of this. You would think that after 7 months it would be easy to start feeling normal again. The reality of it is, when you build an identity for 6 years, it is truly difficult to figure out who you were before you started to build that identity and that life with someone else.
This time last year, all I felt was excitement and accomplishment. We bought our first house. We were making it our own. It all seems so unreal now. What do I have to show for it now? Nothing but a broken heart and a line on my finger where a promise once laid. For awhile there I was doing really well. I think that is because I was so occupied with big events at work that I didn't have the time to really think about everything that was tucked away inside my heart.
Enough of the sad stuff. On the bright side of things I think that I am actually starting to lose some weight. I can fit into pants that are two sizes smaller than I normally wear. Which in itself is a feat. Honestly I think that my focus is going to be me--as much as I have been saying that in the past, it really needs to happen. I've been told many times, you cannot allow yourself to be happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself. Maybe that's true. For now, I need to allow the bad stuff to fade away...and to stop asking questions so often. The questions that I am asking do not have an answer.
So for now I continue on my way......
A.
This time last year, all I felt was excitement and accomplishment. We bought our first house. We were making it our own. It all seems so unreal now. What do I have to show for it now? Nothing but a broken heart and a line on my finger where a promise once laid. For awhile there I was doing really well. I think that is because I was so occupied with big events at work that I didn't have the time to really think about everything that was tucked away inside my heart.
Enough of the sad stuff. On the bright side of things I think that I am actually starting to lose some weight. I can fit into pants that are two sizes smaller than I normally wear. Which in itself is a feat. Honestly I think that my focus is going to be me--as much as I have been saying that in the past, it really needs to happen. I've been told many times, you cannot allow yourself to be happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself. Maybe that's true. For now, I need to allow the bad stuff to fade away...and to stop asking questions so often. The questions that I am asking do not have an answer.
So for now I continue on my way......
A.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Rose Colored Glasses
I'm sitting here in my childhood room, yet again...listening to my 2 year old doberman pinscher chew on a ball that's full of her own saliva. All I can hear is "squish, squish, squish." Yes, now that I have given you all this great image...I can get to the topic of today's blog.
Per the usual, there has been a great deal of thinking going on in this brain of mine. I know, shocker. When am I NOT pondering at least something? I suppose my focus lately has been pondering change, and the changes we may face throughout the course of our lives. When I think of change, I'm taken back to my AP European History class. Back through the once yellow hallways of Warren Township High School. I think of the discussions we had when it came to a human being's fear of change. Fear of the unknown, and the events that resulted in some good, and not so good outcomes. Now, I know that I have spoken of change quite often....mostly because it's an obsession of mine. I am not sure why...seeing as I am a champion of striving to change certain aspects of myself and, well, failing. Even so, what is it about change that strikes so much fear in the hearts and minds of us humans? Is it the change itself? Or is it the unknown that undoubtedly follows change? Let me ask you to think about this. Do you really want to know what is going to happen tomorrow? Next month? Next year? While some of us would immediately raise our hands and say "Yes", can you really say that you want to know everything that is going to happen in the future? The good, the bad and the ugly?
When I think of these questions in relation to myself, I can say that I've asked many a time, what my future holds. If we were knowledgeable of these things, there would be a sense of privilege that comes with knowing your future. Then again, if we all knew our future I am guessing that it wouldn't be that big of a deal to have that type of knowledge. However, with knowing the future come some nasty consequences. Everything is out there in the open. Life, death, sadness. With the good, comes the bad; just like what goes up must come down. It's the natural balance to everything in this life that we enjoy. That brings me back to fear, and really it begs the question---would we be so afraid of change if we knew the future? To me, this answer is simple. Yes. I think we would walk around fearful of every little thing that might happen. When is that piano going to fall from the sky? When is my car tire going to blow out? When is my sister going to step on a nail? Now, I realize that these scenarios might be top of mind for some (yes, even the piano); nevertheless would we worry more or less if we knew that these bad things were actually going to happen? The optimistic side of me would ask everyone reading to embrace the changes that come our way. The truth of the matter is, we don't know what is going to happen in the future. So we might as well take the good with the good, and the bad with the bad. Walking into life blindly is scary as hell, but you know what, we've done it since birth so why change things now? Put on those rose colored glasses and look at everything from a positive angle.
Then there is the pessimistic side of me. Yes, I know what you're thinking. 'Must she ruin this with some negative thoughts?' There are many aspects of the future that really scare the shit out of me. First, and foremost--the thing that I am most afraid of is being alone. If I had a dollar for every single time someone said "You're not going to be alone" or "You need to be happy with yourself before you can be with someone else"....I would seriously have some mad cash. Alas, I don't have mad cash, and I am honestly tired of being in my brain all of the time. Which means I am tired of pondering the future, and the potential that I might be alone for a bit. It certainly is hard not to feel lonely, but being lonely is tiring. At least I have a dog taking up half of this twin sized bed right now. Clearly, she is tired, because the chewing of the ball has ceased and she is now half on my lap, snoring away. She isn't afraid of change. She just lives each day, knowing that she's loved.
So I guess if I had any advice to give you---live your life each day knowing that you are loved by someone. As cliche, corny and weird as that may sound, it is true. Yes, the future is scary--and we may be forced into some change that may hurt us. Life is made up of tough choices. At the end of the day, life's curve balls make us better players of the game. The changes we face may affect us for quite some time, and to me, that's okay. As long as you realize what the change has done to you, and how it's affected the life you live.
Don't hold back because you're afraid. Remember, you can't go back in time----you can only move forward.
A.
Per the usual, there has been a great deal of thinking going on in this brain of mine. I know, shocker. When am I NOT pondering at least something? I suppose my focus lately has been pondering change, and the changes we may face throughout the course of our lives. When I think of change, I'm taken back to my AP European History class. Back through the once yellow hallways of Warren Township High School. I think of the discussions we had when it came to a human being's fear of change. Fear of the unknown, and the events that resulted in some good, and not so good outcomes. Now, I know that I have spoken of change quite often....mostly because it's an obsession of mine. I am not sure why...seeing as I am a champion of striving to change certain aspects of myself and, well, failing. Even so, what is it about change that strikes so much fear in the hearts and minds of us humans? Is it the change itself? Or is it the unknown that undoubtedly follows change? Let me ask you to think about this. Do you really want to know what is going to happen tomorrow? Next month? Next year? While some of us would immediately raise our hands and say "Yes", can you really say that you want to know everything that is going to happen in the future? The good, the bad and the ugly?
When I think of these questions in relation to myself, I can say that I've asked many a time, what my future holds. If we were knowledgeable of these things, there would be a sense of privilege that comes with knowing your future. Then again, if we all knew our future I am guessing that it wouldn't be that big of a deal to have that type of knowledge. However, with knowing the future come some nasty consequences. Everything is out there in the open. Life, death, sadness. With the good, comes the bad; just like what goes up must come down. It's the natural balance to everything in this life that we enjoy. That brings me back to fear, and really it begs the question---would we be so afraid of change if we knew the future? To me, this answer is simple. Yes. I think we would walk around fearful of every little thing that might happen. When is that piano going to fall from the sky? When is my car tire going to blow out? When is my sister going to step on a nail? Now, I realize that these scenarios might be top of mind for some (yes, even the piano); nevertheless would we worry more or less if we knew that these bad things were actually going to happen? The optimistic side of me would ask everyone reading to embrace the changes that come our way. The truth of the matter is, we don't know what is going to happen in the future. So we might as well take the good with the good, and the bad with the bad. Walking into life blindly is scary as hell, but you know what, we've done it since birth so why change things now? Put on those rose colored glasses and look at everything from a positive angle.
Then there is the pessimistic side of me. Yes, I know what you're thinking. 'Must she ruin this with some negative thoughts?' There are many aspects of the future that really scare the shit out of me. First, and foremost--the thing that I am most afraid of is being alone. If I had a dollar for every single time someone said "You're not going to be alone" or "You need to be happy with yourself before you can be with someone else"....I would seriously have some mad cash. Alas, I don't have mad cash, and I am honestly tired of being in my brain all of the time. Which means I am tired of pondering the future, and the potential that I might be alone for a bit. It certainly is hard not to feel lonely, but being lonely is tiring. At least I have a dog taking up half of this twin sized bed right now. Clearly, she is tired, because the chewing of the ball has ceased and she is now half on my lap, snoring away. She isn't afraid of change. She just lives each day, knowing that she's loved.
So I guess if I had any advice to give you---live your life each day knowing that you are loved by someone. As cliche, corny and weird as that may sound, it is true. Yes, the future is scary--and we may be forced into some change that may hurt us. Life is made up of tough choices. At the end of the day, life's curve balls make us better players of the game. The changes we face may affect us for quite some time, and to me, that's okay. As long as you realize what the change has done to you, and how it's affected the life you live.
Don't hold back because you're afraid. Remember, you can't go back in time----you can only move forward.
A.
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