2-0-1-9

Someone recently asked me if I still blog. The answer to that is simple. But it isn't. Do I blog? Yes. Most of it is in my head, on a Monday morning, in the shower. Or on a Thursday evening, in the car, on a drive home. It's never simple, but at the same time, never overly meaningful either.  It's mostly things I'm thinking, or things I perhaps should have said to one person or another. 

I suppose you're all wondering why I choose to write now. The truth is, I've been pondering getting back into it for awhile. It's been a good year. It's been an amazing year. So I thought I'd do a little recap---and also share some thoughts that have been rolling around in my head for a bit. Not for you, but mostly for me. Because I rarely bask in my own greatness...and I think I deserve that in this moment. Then, I thought again. Some people had a difficult year. Some had a challenging decade. And so, then you wonder. Do I share? 

So  I'm going to take a different spin. It's been a decade. Which is strange--because I don't really think the 'decades' have been a thing over the course of my last 32 years. You just kind of float from one year to the next, and live your life. Within that there are moments to celebrate, moments meant to teach you something. People come and go. Babies are born. Loved ones are lost. And time keeps rolling. Because time stops for no one. When I think if the last 10 years, they've been filled with changes.

• Started the decade teaching. Thought it's what I really wanted. Thought I was meant to lead our younger generations. But, to be honest, it just wasn't for me.
• So I made a decision. Changed my career direction. Went into HR. 
• Was faced with the end of a relationship. Now, if you've read any of the last blogs--you'll know it broke me at the time. Sent me into a tailspin. Reading back, I'm a little embarrassed of how much I let it infiltrate my life. Because I wasn't just me. I was also another person. And my identity (at the time) was that of a couple. Not a single. 
• I gained weight.
• I got laid off.
• My car legit got hit by a trampoline in a tornado. Not even lying, it was a real thing. 
• I watched someone I loved fade right in front of my very eyes. And there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. 
• Lost a dog. 

But, okay. Like, those are all the bad things. Over time, I've learned that's what we tend to focus on--because those are the things that sort of set us back on what we assume is the path we're supposed to be on. In all of those things, though, here's what happened as a result:

• Through that career change I was able to find my true passion. 
• The loss of that relationship showed me just how strong I am on my own. It saved me from living a life that I know now would've been super unhappy. Allowed me to travel, go places, meet new people, rekindle old relationships and build my own happiness. It taught me that I am not breakable. That I might have been broken in the moment, but I CAN make it on on my own. Through that, I embraced my family. Hugged my friends a little harder. And nothing can compare to the love I have in my life now. The love they have all unconditionally given me.
• I LOST weight. Found a groove in the gym. Figured out a rhythm. And that's what taught me that I honestly can achieve something when I've made my mind up that it needs to happen. That nothing or no one can stand in my way. 
• I found a new job.  And I've grown in it. Built professional relationships that I'm proud of--and continue to look for ways to make myself better. More knowledgeable. 
• My car got fixed. Because at the end of the day, a car is just a car. Everything, with the exception of people, can be replaced. 
• Losing someone you love is never easy. Watching them fade is just as hard. But it's easier when there are people who are there along the way. People who will hold you, cry with you, talk to you. And that is what you learn. You're never really alone.
• In turn, my friends have brought new life into this world, and man, it's pretty amazing to watch those little ones grow and become their own people. 

I've traveled. I bought a house. Even when I thought I was behind everyone. Like I was stuck. Like I wasn't following the timeline that society had set out for me. But I set goals, and I achieved them in my own time. I've also learned to embrace the success of others. Because their happiness is important. And just because you're not where you want to be, it's important to love and celebrate them as much as they do for you. 

And so, I'll tell you how I've decided to think of these last 10 years. Sure, they had their challenges. But that is life. It's never seamless. But what I also want to tell you, is that it's brought me closer to friends I know I'll have for a lifetime. It's helped me grow closer to my sister---and we've strengthened our bond. We've had so many laughs, a few cries, a few fights. But we're stronger now than ever. It's shown me how strong my mom is--and I'm so blessed to have a woman like her to lean on when I need her. It's helped me, be me. 

And I think, that's all we can hope for in this life. So even if 2019 wasn't too great for you, please know that I'm cheering for you. That better things are on the horizon. That even if you don't feel okay about this year, or even the last 10 years, that good things will happen. Because the darkness can't last forever. But please promise me,  you won't wish time away. Because every moment (even the sucky ones) is precious. 

Wishing you happiness, health, love and success in the coming years.

A. 

2019: Plans for Routine Deviation

I've been watching a lot of television lately. With the winter in full force, it's been all that's available on the menu. I've been reading more frequently. I've been writing more frequently. So much so, that I'll wake up to a thought in the middle of the night--and I will feel compelled to write it down.

I don't want to miss a thought, because I never know when I'm going to come to life's next biggest conclusion. Always is this constant place--searching for the answers.

It's been quite some time since I've felt compelled to write using this medium.

This has been a year of doing what I want. It's about 'Once in a Lifetime Opportunities.' Like, spending a little more money on Bears tickets because it was the playoffs. Or, saying 'Fuck it' and purchasing that ticket to England. Because it's what I want to do. There's more than that though. Because I realize, that as I'm typing this paragraph all of the things I named above seem quite superficial. That's not my intention. Spending money does not equal happiness. But if you know, me...like really know me...you know I rarely step out of the safe zone.

Let's face it...I've got a lot of 'issues.' I care too much about what other's think. I let my routines dictate my life. To the extent that when the routine gets thrown off, it causes me extreme anxiety. To the point where that disruption causes me immense unhappiness. But, as I've worked out with my therapist...that's what anxiety is. I can't handle a small change in plans--because when I've already set something up in my mind to happen a certain way...that slight deviance just throws me into this tailspin. But the routine is safe. It's a sure thing. Because for the most part, I control that...

Plans. Those are not a sure thing. I guess...at 31...I should have learned that by now. In love, in life, in human mortality. When the things that I assumed were 'sure' were disrupted...it was devastating. A breakup, a death. Those are big life things that people have to deal with. Normal life things.

So how does one like me...'cope' with the aforementioned (what I perceived to be) 'devastating' life blows? You put up walls. You carry it all around with you. You only let people see what you want them to see. You refuse to take chances. You push people away. You pour yourself into work. You sit in your office until 9P to make sure you've finished all the small things you need to do. You hide behind your computer until midnight typing up notes for the COO---because you know if there's one thing you can be good at, it's your job. You convince yourself that you don't have an appetite because you feel like you've lost progress. You hide behind the comforts because you're not where you think you're supposed to be.

But all of those things above just cause one thing. Loneliness. Hiding behind all of those things don't allow for growth. Stepping away from the things that you think are 'safe' does. Letting go of your deepest fears does. Figuring out what you want--and not accepting what other people want for you does.

And here's what I think I'll learn from that:

• Accepting your imperfections and embracing them to point will lead to more visible happiness. 
• Stepping away from constantly trying to please others will make you more independent.

 I'm sure there will be plenty more to learn along the way. And I think the soul searching I've embarked upon--perhaps I will find what happiness means to me. Because feeling less than, is so exhausting.

More to come.

A.