2019: Plans for Routine Deviation

I've been watching a lot of television lately. With the winter in full force, it's been all that's available on the menu. I've been reading more frequently. I've been writing more frequently. So much so, that I'll wake up to a thought in the middle of the night--and I will feel compelled to write it down.

I don't want to miss a thought, because I never know when I'm going to come to life's next biggest conclusion. Always is this constant place--searching for the answers.

It's been quite some time since I've felt compelled to write using this medium.

This has been a year of doing what I want. It's about 'Once in a Lifetime Opportunities.' Like, spending a little more money on Bears tickets because it was the playoffs. Or, saying 'Fuck it' and purchasing that ticket to England. Because it's what I want to do. There's more than that though. Because I realize, that as I'm typing this paragraph all of the things I named above seem quite superficial. That's not my intention. Spending money does not equal happiness. But if you know, me...like really know me...you know I rarely step out of the safe zone.

Let's face it...I've got a lot of 'issues.' I care too much about what other's think. I let my routines dictate my life. To the extent that when the routine gets thrown off, it causes me extreme anxiety. To the point where that disruption causes me immense unhappiness. But, as I've worked out with my therapist...that's what anxiety is. I can't handle a small change in plans--because when I've already set something up in my mind to happen a certain way...that slight deviance just throws me into this tailspin. But the routine is safe. It's a sure thing. Because for the most part, I control that...

Plans. Those are not a sure thing. I guess...at 31...I should have learned that by now. In love, in life, in human mortality. When the things that I assumed were 'sure' were disrupted...it was devastating. A breakup, a death. Those are big life things that people have to deal with. Normal life things.

So how does one like me...'cope' with the aforementioned (what I perceived to be) 'devastating' life blows? You put up walls. You carry it all around with you. You only let people see what you want them to see. You refuse to take chances. You push people away. You pour yourself into work. You sit in your office until 9P to make sure you've finished all the small things you need to do. You hide behind your computer until midnight typing up notes for the COO---because you know if there's one thing you can be good at, it's your job. You convince yourself that you don't have an appetite because you feel like you've lost progress. You hide behind the comforts because you're not where you think you're supposed to be.

But all of those things above just cause one thing. Loneliness. Hiding behind all of those things don't allow for growth. Stepping away from the things that you think are 'safe' does. Letting go of your deepest fears does. Figuring out what you want--and not accepting what other people want for you does.

And here's what I think I'll learn from that:

• Accepting your imperfections and embracing them to point will lead to more visible happiness. 
• Stepping away from constantly trying to please others will make you more independent.

 I'm sure there will be plenty more to learn along the way. And I think the soul searching I've embarked upon--perhaps I will find what happiness means to me. Because feeling less than, is so exhausting.

More to come.

A.