I have a thirst for something more. I think that most people in life do. Or at least that is what I assume. It's interesting to think that some live a life of sheer content. Content with their jobs, their spouse, their home, etc. Never yearning for something that's just slightly out of reach. Maybe contentment is fine. Maybe we're meant to just find that fit one day (and I'm not talking about 'The One'). What I mean is, perhaps one day we are supposed to let go, and just know where we're at is just where we need to be.
Then again, there's always that nagging thought 'What does more mean, and why do you yearn for it?' What do you want?
The answer to that question is 'I literally have no clue.'
I would say over the course of the last 6 months I've gone through a lot of transformation. So much pondering. SO MUCH. Lots of travels. Those things are good. It gives me a chance for some introspection as well as an opportunity to view the world with a whole new set of eyes. On the flip side, though, it feeds this beast that grows by the day inside of me. No, kids, not like some weird mystical creature or anything like that...I'm not psychotic. It's this beast that just knows I've got to do something. It's like over the course of the last 2-3 months I can let fears go--and I can put myself into an uncomfortable place that I know might be good for me.
I have spent so much time feeling sorry for myself. And people are not afraid to tell me that I live there. I will full on admit that I have lived in a place of self-negativity since approximately 1997. At least since I was old enough to even understand what it meant to be 'self-conscious.' If you know me well enough, you know I can find at least 10 different ways to either make fun of or insult myself during a conversation. It's kind of sad. In fact, it's downright tiring for those that do spend quite a bit of time with me. There are so many good things about Alex Spivey that outweigh the things I think might be bad. Shit happens--and that's rough. It's like my favorite Rocky quote:
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"
Sounds cliche. And it is. But Sly is right. Life will beat you to your knees and keep you there. Because life doesn't stop. And it doesn't care what's happened to you over the course of a month or a year, etc. It just keeps going. Sometimes we make our own beds, and so, we have to lie in them. Sometimes shit just happens by chance. Because, well, you know, as Jeff Spivey used to say 'We make plans...God laughs." Often times that 'shit' just throws you into a tailspin, causing much wallowing and sometimes self deprecation. But I'm telling you right now, sometimes, it just pushes you in a different direction. Kind of like the stock market. The highs and lows of life. Sometimes life altering, sometimes devastating, sometimes downright fruitful. It just is.
Pause. What am I getting at here? Honestly, today's entry is giving you 1:1 insight into the mind that is mine--and has been mine over the course of the last 4 months or so. If there's one thing I know..it's that I want to make efforts to do something good for me for once. I don't know what that is, and I don't know what that means. Because right now my brain is like that of a 16 year old kid (with a tinge more logic because I guess my brain is fully developed by now). I can't make a decision about what I need to do to quench my current life thirst.
First mission of this new life path I'm on is to figure that out. To that I say...
Rock on gold dust woman...take your sliver spoon...