Monday, March 11, 2013

Alex's Adventures in Online Dating: Part I

Online dating.  You've heard me sort of discuss it before....and yes, I am embarrassed to admit that it is something I have turned to in order to meet people.  All of my friends are pretty much in relationships, and so are their friends; thus I must venture out into the world of online dating to get back into the groove, the dating groove.

Now, dating isn't as much of a groove, as it is sort of a bad tango.  Yes, a tango.  You see, in the art of dance, you have those who are amazing.  Their steps sort of just mesh and blend together so well, that the person dancing looks like they are floating on air.  You then have those who aren't so flawless with their steps, but they can learn, and pretty soon the steps come to that person as if they were a natural part of their everyday repertoire.  Lastly, you have people who are just plain bad/awkward at dancing.  There's no hope for these people because they are just awkward.

I don't know which category I fall into.  I guess I'm a bit awkward in my own way.  I like to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians, I watch Chopped religiously, and yes, I'm obsessed with the Titanic.  We all have our quarks.  I just think that sometimes people can appreciate quarks and others cannot.  I am not saying that I am this overly awkward human being that is socially inept.  I observe people, am quiet at first, and then once you get to know me...I often don't shut up.  That's neither here nor there, let's talk about the most recent dating adventure I had.

Mom, if you're reading this.  I went on a blind date recently.  Yes, a blind date.  Sorry I didn't tell you earlier.

Let the story begin.

Firstly, let me start out by telling you that the dating websites that offer 'icebreaker' type communication are indeed, quite strange.  It encourages forced, awkward, conversation, which I think in some situations can be a good thing.  However, I don't think that you get enough of the real person that way.  So, I get the forced awkward, icebreaker notification on my phone, from this guy.  We won't name him here.  It starts off with:

"Your profile made me smile."

Well, never receiving this before, I thought I was special.  When I received the same type of comment two days later from another person, I realized that these were one of those pre-populated messages that could be sent to someone.  Okay.  Fair enough.  The conversation went on, through a series of pre-populated levels.  You ask the person various questions, such as:

"If you were to go out on a Saturday night, you would.....???."

Then there are many options that can be provided, or the person can provide their own answer.  So, I received generic answers.  We moved on to pre-populated likes and dislikes.  Generic answers there.  Then we moved on to actual conversation.  Which, was mostly forced on my part.  It's interesting when this happens, because if I didn't initiate things in the first place, why should I have to carry the conversation.  We talked a bit, and then the question came:

"Do you maybe want to get together sometime this week?"

I took a chance.  Why not?  We chose on a public place and a date.

I was late.  I left work late per the usual, and then me being me, I got lost.  When I got there, we met inside, and he didn't even look at me when he said hello.  He looked nervous, but didn't really make any eye contact.

We sit down, and I make some kind of nervous comment about how it took me forever to get there.  We order drinks.  He orders a beer, which I think is a good sign because he's not overly straight edge.  He then asks me what I like to watch.  I tell him Walking Dead, Keeping up with the Kardashians, Chopped....and this is when things go awry.

Whist eating his soup, this individual goes on a 10 minute long rant about how the Kardashians in addition to reality television are what's wrong with this country,  That watching them is only contributing to the stupidity of our generation...and that they are not important.

I sit there eating my salad, wondering how I can exit right from this psycho.

Our dinner comes, he has pizza, I have noodles.  He asks me what else I like to do with my time.  I tell him that I am going to most likely get my motorcycle license.  He then retorts "What are you going to get a whole bunch of tattoos and become a biker chick?" I smile politely and retort "No."

We continue to eat. 

He chokes on a piece of sausage.  I laugh.

Now, it may be mean, albeit cruel for me to react in the way that I did. However, after tolerating his snarky comments, I had to.  He coughs, and works up a sweat.  I ask if he is ''OK" and he responds "I'll live."  It was like Karma was knocking on the door somehow telling him to CALM DOWN. 

He pretty much coughs for 10 minutes.  While wiping the sweat off his brow...

When it comes time for the check I insist that we split it.  I know at this point that we are not going to be speaking again, and I am not having a 'paid for' dinner on my conscience. 

I pay, I tip.  I put the booklet in the middle of the table so that he can do the same.  he opens the book, looks at my tip and says "At least you tipped well."

In my head I wanted to lose it on this dude.  So I just say "Well, I don't really know percentages that well, I am not a math person."  He quickly snaps back with "I know percentages all the time."

Alex thought: "I know lots of things, and all I want to do is punch you in the head right now."

So we get up to leave and just to be nice, I say "Well, it was nice meeting you, hope to talk to you soon."

He pauses.  "We'll see."

We'll see?! If Jimena was there, she would have said "Or NOT."  I laugh, and that is all I can do, because I am not disappointed.  He was not my type.

And so...(and yes, I started with and)...I continue onward......

Here's to the next one, I guess.


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