Pine. No, not a breakfast table or the floor in your house. Not a tree, your nightstand or that antique cabinet that belonged to your grandmother. Nope. Much like the rest of the words in the English language, Pine is a homonym. A homonym is one of two or more words that are spelled alike, but are different in meaning. As it is, the word Pine, for me has a different meaning. Put simply, when 'Pine' is used as a verb, it means to wither or waste away from longing or grief.
I guess I am perseverating on this word, because it is this term that was used to describe my emotional state last week. I was sitting at my desk, just working...when all of a sudden a book was laid on my desk. I looked up to see his mother (who works for the same company), standing there with a book. The book in question, is actually a book of essays that I am published in. Seeing her is always hard. Mostly because I built a second family with him....and now...that is gone. Six years worth of bonding....gone. Regardless of that, as she stood there, she commented:
"I guess I'm the go between you and him."
I pondered, and said:
"No, you are the go between for him because he made this choice and doesn't care about the choice he has made."
She pondered---
"You're not still pining after him, are you?"
Pining. Think about the word and what it implies. It implies that I sit in my room every single day, pondering the demise of my past relationship.
When something ends, or stops abruptly---it is perfectly normal to feel some sense of shock following the initial impact of the end. It's normal to cry, scream--sit and think. It's normal. However, there comes a time when there is nothing left to think about. Naturally, we then must move forward in order to mitigate the risk of 'pining' after what we have lost.
After much thought about this comment, here is the wisdom I can offer. When you lose something, whether it's voluntary or involuntary--you often risk being broken. As human beings, we're all a bit broken in our own way. Behind every set of eyes is a story to be told. Even the happiest and most carefree person you know has some kind of pain hidden behind their facade. It's called having emotion. It's called being human. I guess through all of this, you would think that I have gained a great deal of wisdom. I am not sure you could say that--I sometimes feel the same way I did three months ago. Then there are these moments, these glimpses of hope where I feel like a new girl. So here is what I know.
It's okay to be broken for a time; to pine (if you will) after what you have lost. For a short time, it's okay. However, there has to come a time, when you pick yourself up off the floor and move on. It's necessary, because if you continue to live your life in a broken state....you will never truly live. Now, I know that this is common sense....but for someone who has been living her life with blinders on for quite some time, this is somewhat of a new epiphany.
So, to answer the question that was posed to me last week. NO, I am not pining after him. I do think of him often, and miss him. However, I'm busy these days picking myself up off the floor---and moving forward with a life that I know was meant to be amazing.
I know I was destined for greatness, and my story doesn't include him.
So here's to a new novel in this series I call life. Let's hope it's not reminiscent of Twilight (ha). I hope you are all busy out there writing meaningful chapters of your own......
A.
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