Perfection is an obsession. It's interesting to think about the concept of perfection, and what it means to different people. Some think that perfection is winning a game, making the honor roll or losing 10lbs. Whatever form it takes, the ironic thing about perfection is that there is an inherent truth to it: perfection doesn't exist. No one is perfect. Nothing is ever completely perfect. The minute we think things are 'perfect', and we let our guard down--that's when shit hits the fan because, in the end, we should know that nothing is ever perfect.
Now, while I might seem cynical, because I have pointed out said inherent truth about perfection--you must know that I don't think there is anything wrong with striving for it. In all honesty, the concept of perfection is something that I have struggled with my entire life. From a young age, we grow up idealizing what the 'perfect' life is supposed to be. To me, it was getting good grades, graduating from college, getting a good job and making it on my own. Somehow, throughout all of those steps---I never seemed good enough for me. Yes, I was the person who cried if they got a 'B' on her transcript in any class. Yes, I'll say it again, I was that person. I suppose that I have always had a vision of what was acceptable and unacceptable. To me, not being able to perform above the average was a problem. In the back of my mind, there was always the potential do better, to be better. I don't necessarily believe that it's wrong to feel this way---but it can get to a point where it becomes unhealthy. For me, feeling like perfection is a far stretch comes from a lack of confidence. I will be the first to admit that I am probably the lease confident person when it comes to anything regarding me. This is a problem that I have had for a long time. I'll be the first to fully admit that. It all stems from one thing--that desire to be perfect. Those playing Devil's Advocate would pose the question, "Yeah, but what is considered 'perfect'?" I've got so many visions of what I think perfect is supposed to be. At the end of the day, it all comes down to the fact that I know I don't love myself enough to accept or deserve the love of another. I think that is where so much went wrong in the relationship I was in for 6 years. Being with someone who lacks confidence in themselves is exhausting. In that sense, I feel like I pushed him away with my poor self image. Doing nothing to fix it. Just continuing on a path of what was 'comfortable.'
At this point, a month later (how ironic, it's been a month--and today is Thanksgiving) I'll pretty much do anything to make myself feel human again. I got a haircut and highlights, a new pair of boots and a pair of jeggings. I felt like I was on top of the world---with a little spring in my step and everything. As the day went on, that sense of confidence started to dwindle. My haircut high was fading. I am not sure why it is so hard for me to appreciate myself. I don't know where it all stems from. I know that what I am feeling right now, stems from what I have been through. I always had a lack of confidence---but this has magnified it. It's hard to feel wanted when someone just walks away from you.
The conclusion I have come to, is that I don't need him---to be me. I need to become the person that I want. If that means going for a run, or cutting my hair, painting, laughing, doing anything at all....then that is what I need to do. I know what I miss, but that is a subject for the next blog. Right now, I need to go for a run to clear my head.....more later....