Thursday, November 22, 2012

Perfectly Imperfect

Perfection is an obsession.  It's interesting to think about the concept of perfection, and what it means to different people.  Some think that perfection is winning a game, making the honor roll or losing 10lbs.  Whatever form it takes, the ironic thing about perfection is that there is an inherent truth to it: perfection doesn't exist.  No one is perfect.  Nothing is ever completely perfect.  The minute we think things are 'perfect', and we let our guard down--that's when shit hits the fan because, in the end, we should know that nothing is ever perfect.  

Now, while I might seem cynical, because I have pointed out said inherent truth about perfection--you must know that I don't think there is anything wrong with striving for it.  In all honesty, the concept of perfection is something that I have struggled with my entire life.  From a young age, we grow up idealizing what the 'perfect' life is supposed to be.  To me, it was getting good grades, graduating from college, getting a good job and making it on my own.  Somehow, throughout all of those steps---I never seemed good enough for me.  Yes, I was the person who cried if they got a 'B' on her transcript in any class.  Yes, I'll say it again, I was that person. I suppose that I have always had a vision of what was acceptable and unacceptable.  To me, not being able to perform above the average was a problem.  In the back of my mind, there was always the potential do better, to be better.  I don't necessarily believe that it's wrong to feel this way---but it can get to a point where it becomes unhealthy.  For me, feeling like perfection is a far stretch comes from a lack of confidence.  I will be the first to admit that I am probably the lease confident person when it comes to anything regarding me.  This is a problem that I have had for a long time. I'll be the first to fully admit that.  It all stems from one thing--that desire to be perfect.  Those playing Devil's Advocate would pose the question, "Yeah, but what is considered 'perfect'?"  I've got so many visions of what I think perfect is supposed to be.  At the end of the day, it all comes down to the fact that I know I don't love myself enough to accept or deserve the love of another.  I think that is where so much went wrong in the relationship I was in for 6 years.  Being with someone who lacks confidence in themselves is exhausting. In that sense, I feel like I pushed him away with my poor self image.  Doing nothing to fix it.  Just continuing on a path of what was 'comfortable.'

At this point, a month later (how ironic, it's been a month--and today is Thanksgiving) I'll pretty much do anything to make myself feel human again.  I got a haircut and highlights, a new pair of boots and a pair of jeggings.  I felt like I was on top of the world---with a little spring in my step and everything.  As the day went on, that sense of confidence started to dwindle.  My haircut high was fading.  I am not sure why it is so hard for me to appreciate myself.  I don't know where it all stems from.  I know that what I am feeling right now, stems from what I have been through.  I always had a lack of confidence---but this has magnified it.  It's hard to feel wanted when someone just walks away from you.  

The conclusion I have come to, is that I don't need him---to be me.  I need to become the person that I want.  If that means going for a run, or cutting my hair, painting, laughing, doing anything at all....then that is what I need to do.  I know what I miss, but that is a subject for the next blog.  Right now, I need to go for a run to clear my head.....more later....

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