I am sitting here in my childhood room, looking around at walls that have changed since I last stayed here for an extended period of time. In fact, much has changed since I actually lived at my mother and father's house. Right now, there is a dog bed on the floor, bookshelves with multiple sewing books organized and categorized ever so meticulously....and little trinkets of mine sprawled about the room. The trinkets, are reminders of the life that I so suddenly was uprooted from.
In the past month, I have floated through many emotions and state(s) of mind. Today, as I laid in my bed staring at the ceiling I thought about all of the conversations I've been having with people lately. The only conclusion that I can come to after thinking about said conversations--is that I need to let myself let go. So, what better way to do it, than here.
Break---okay, here we go.
Before I decided to write the blog you're reading, I looked through some of the pictures on my computer. I am not sure what I am going to do with them all, hence my resistance to let go. A normal person would just delete them. I'm stuck. Part of me wants to be so angry with him. The other part remembers a great love that I had for such a long time, with unprecedented happiness. The folder I opened, was that of pictures from our 3 year anniversary. An amazing day, where he took me to the shed aquarium--and we stayed in a lovely hotel, went to a beautiful dinner---and he gave me my promise ring. I know that I cannot dwell on these things; however these are the things that make me ask one question: How is it so easy for one person to fall out of love with another?
Let's face it....that is what happened to me. I am not sure what went wrong, or where it went wrong. It takes two to tango, and I am sure there was plenty we could have done differently. We fell in love when we were 19. At that time, I felt like I was on top of the world--because I was his world. Up until about a year and a half ago, I was his world. Then it changed, and other things became the focus of his life. I don't hate him for that because people grow up and they change. I am not saying he changed for the worse---I know that I changed and not for the better. I am not sure of the exact time when he fell out of love with me. All that resonates in my head is the last telephone conversation I had with him:
Me: Do you love me?
Me: Are you in love with me?
Him: I don't know.
That answer should be the very thing moving me forward. The insecure girl in me wonders what I could have done to make him not fall out of love with me. Could I have been mentally stronger? Could I have not let my depression take hold of me? Could I have made a better attempt to lose weight? Could I have done anything at all, to not have lost the flame that was once burning so bright---it was blinding? Despite all of these things I listed (which I feel were weaknesses that lead to the demise of our relationship) the fact of of the matter is, if someone loves you they will accept you for who you are---hands down---no questions asked. In the end, I need to know and realize that people grow up and sometimes they grow apart from each other. I need to stop placing all of the blame on me. I will always love him. I can't let go of that. I do need to let go of him, though--because holding on isn't doing anything at all. There is no reason to hold on.
I wish him nothing but success and happiness in life. I hope that someday, he will be able to find the person that makes him completely happy. Someone that he can give the love he gave to me for quite some time. They will be very lucky.
Now, I need to let go. So as I really make an effort to close this chapter, I might need some help; because finding out who you are and trying not to be afraid of it--is a scary thing.
Sometimes, the things we hold on to, aren't nearly as important as the things we let go of.