Truths for Mature Humans
- I think that part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- Nothing sucks more than the moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
- There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
- How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- Was learning cursive really necessary?
- Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes out after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this--ever.
- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? $***!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
- I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
- I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger, and suddenly realize I had no ideas what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
- I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I am trying to finish a text.
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand what the other person said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
- Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning you chair back a little too far.
- As a driver, I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning a Tail on the Donkey--but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
These are all true, and embody me in every way.
Goodnight for now.