Monday, October 29, 2012

You're doing all these things out of desparation--you're going through six degrees of separation

Trying to fix yourself is the first step.  You want to do so much to make the pain go away.  There is a constant search for the answers.  You ask all the right questions, but receive all of the wrong answers.  In the end, there is no right answer to explain what you're feeling.  Everything around you seems so perfect, in the sense that everyone seems to be so happy.  Of course it is foolish and silly to think that every single person in your life is currently happy.  There is so much more pain going on in the world around you.  Yet, there's only one thing you can focus on--and it's that dull pain in your chest that doesn't ever go away. 

You see, there is no starting over without finding closure.  Is that what I really want?  Closure of this relationship, of this love?  At this point I don't know what I want. 

Today I took Monroe for a walk around the neighborhood.  As I walked down the street, I passed Frenchy's house and Rezgar's house.  I walked down to the lake, then around to our old high school bus stop.  As I did, it was like my past echoed behind me.  I could hear conversations that I might have had with Francesca our Freshman year in high school.  I could hear the sound of Christopher's Camaro as we did his paper route in the pouring rain.  Those were all good memories, but eventually my memories drifted off to him and the first time I took him around the neighborhood.

Right now my feelings drift in and out.  One moment, I am sad...crying hysterically.  Another moment I am numb and don't feel anything.  What I really want to understand, is this:  If someone 'loves' you--then how can they make a choice to let you go?  Let everything you have had for the past six years go?  I can't help but wonder what he is doing, and if he is feeling as sad as I am.  All of that wondering is futile.  Until I can get that through my thick skull--I'm not sure how to move on.  I've been told I need to do things that I love.  Well, here we are, writing.  In all honesty, I have not written like this in quite some time.  I guess the allure around writing a blog is that someone can read your thoughts.  It's my way of getting it all out without interruption.  Other things that were suggested to me:

  • Take a class
  • Delve into your work 
  • Go to the gym
  • Spend time with friends
  • Keep yourself busy
 The last one is funny to me.  With the difference in our work schedules the past few months, I have found many ways to keep myself busy, and in turn content with how we had to work on things.  Perhaps being content, lead me to just settle for the way that we were existing.  Maybe I could have put a better effort in.  In all honesty, though, it takes two to tango---and at the end of the day if one person is willing to try and the other isn't...then perhaps it is best if you go your separate ways.  Yes, that sounds rational of me.  My brain believes that...but my heart violently fights all rationality and any truth that might come from it.

At the end of the day, I'm alone.  Yes, I have plenty of family and friends who both love and care about me.  It's somehow different, though.  I guess, at this point, exactly a week after my world seemingly collapsed right around me--I have entered the third stage of grief.  Last week--I had some contact with him, each interaction less and less satisfying.  Many of you would be disappointed to know, that during one of those interactions I seemed to definitely enter stage three--and that is where I hover.....

Stage 3: Bargaining
 The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to gain control.  You find yourself asking many questions, often beginning with "What If"?  Each "What If" question holding a different scenario that might have had a different end result than the one you're feeling/experiencing now.  Secretly, we may make a secret deal with God or our higher power in order to postpone the inevitable.  This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

Yes, ladies and gentleman.  I sank that low.  No, I didn't beg God to help the one change his mind about our relationship and where it should head.  Nope.  I made a last ditch effort to try and fix what was broken.  Or at least what he thought was broken.  In the end, I put it on me (as I do with everything in my life) and pleaded.  Expressed my willingness to go the extra mile, and try harder.  I didn't get the answer I was looking for.  Which is why, someone who is very close to my heart begged and pleaded with me to not contact him; because when all was said and done--I wasn't going to get the answer I was hoping for.  It's like I took the knife he inserted into my heart...and finished the job, and just like that---in the moment when you know the end is near life flashes before your eyes.....

Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tightly........  

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