Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I'm at a payphone....

Here I am.  Coping.  One of the things that was recommended to me, was to write.  It's what I am good at I guess---and in the end, really, sometimes my thoughts come out in the best way when I write.  I'd be lying to everyone here if I didn't admit that I am, in essence....broken.  Broken in more ways than what has just happened to me.  I sometimes think that it is my attitude, my outlook on life the past three or so years that has gotten me to where I am now.  A lot of complaining about the way I look.  Not much doing.  A lot of negative outlook on the world, not much sunshine.  Perhaps that is what put me in this predicament.  I lost someone that I love.  Someone that I think, has fallen out of love with me.  I can finally admit that now without crying.  I feel like I am grieving over the loss of a loved one.  It feels like my heart has been ripped out---stepped on---then bandaged, and left to heal for a bit.  Then repeat.  Only this time....it's for real.  I am thinking my heart is going to have to bleed for a bit this time.  Thus, I have researched the 5 stages I can expect to experience as I cope with this:

1.  Denial and Isolation: "The first reaction is to deny the reality of the situation.  It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions.  It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock.  We block out the words and hide from the facts.  This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain."

Immediate shock.  I guess that is the only thing that resonates with me now.  All I can do is stare off into space.  I want to delete so many parts of my life right now.  I know this isn't right, but this is the metaphor I keep using to explain the way I feel to everyone:

What do you do with something that you don't want anymore?  You throw it away.  I feel like a piece of garbage.  

Perhaps that is too dramatic, and if you think so--then right now you don't need to be reading this.  If this is going to help me deal with what I am going through then this is what I have to do.

Sidebar...moment of crying.

I just had a conversation with my 'sister' as to how I am supposed to tell my niece and nephews that he and I are no longer together.  On top of their own parent's impending divorce.  Who am I to go ahead and communicate, to them, again that life isn't all rainbows and sunshine.  In the end, life does go on.  As much as I hurt right now----as cold as I feel inside--I have to be strong.

So here is to the first day of healing.........

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