Here I am. Coping. One of the things that was recommended to me, was to write. It's what I am good at I guess---and in the end, really, sometimes my thoughts come out in the best way when I write. I'd be lying to everyone here if I didn't admit that I am, in essence....broken. Broken in more ways than what has just happened to me. I sometimes think that it is my attitude, my outlook on life the past three or so years that has gotten me to where I am now. A lot of complaining about the way I look. Not much doing. A lot of negative outlook on the world, not much sunshine. Perhaps that is what put me in this predicament. I lost someone that I love. Someone that I think, has fallen out of love with me. I can finally admit that now without crying. I feel like I am grieving over the loss of a loved one. It feels like my heart has been ripped out---stepped on---then bandaged, and left to heal for a bit. Then repeat. Only this time....it's for real. I am thinking my heart is going to have to bleed for a bit this time. Thus, I have researched the 5 stages I can expect to experience as I cope with this:
1. Denial and Isolation: "The first reaction is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain."
Immediate shock. I guess that is the only thing that resonates with me now. All I can do is stare off into space. I want to delete so many parts of my life right now. I know this isn't right, but this is the metaphor I keep using to explain the way I feel to everyone:
What do you do with something that you don't want anymore? You throw it away. I feel like a piece of garbage.
Perhaps that is too dramatic, and if you think so--then right now you don't need to be reading this. If this is going to help me deal with what I am going through then this is what I have to do.
Sidebar...moment of crying.
I just had a conversation with my 'sister' as to how I am supposed to tell my niece and nephews that he and I are no longer together. On top of their own parent's impending divorce. Who am I to go ahead and communicate, to them, again that life isn't all rainbows and sunshine. In the end, life does go on. As much as I hurt right now----as cold as I feel inside--I have to be strong.
So here is to the first day of healing.........