Day 4. I still feel the way that I felt yesterday. However, the numbness has soaked into all of my thoughts, and I guess I really don't think about anything other than what I have to. You would all be pleased to know that I ate half of a bagel today. I'm trying to keep it down. Perhaps I'm too dramatic. Perhaps I am being too pathetic, too 'Oh God, pity me.' I know that isn't what he is feeling. Moreover, what is caring about what he is feeling going to do for me? It's just something that is innate...something that is programmed into me. I don't want to care, but I do. I do know what I need to do, even if it means I can't talk to some people anymore---because they just make me wonder what he is doing and how he is feeling. I know that they will be there for him, because they love him. It's why everything seems so cold now. I have to let go of that, let go of them too in this process.
So, what's the newest hurt for today? I guess it is the thought that it's like I disappeared to him. I fear tomorrow. The thought of going tomorrow to pack everything up is reminiscent of the way I used to feel when I know I had to get a shot. Your heart is beating fast, you sweat, it's all you can think about. As the time gets nearer and nearer, that sick feeling in your stomach continues to grow. Tomorrow, I have to walk into a house---that we fixed up and painted and made our own. Everything in there was something that we built. Tomorrow, I have to go in that house and remove the couches that he wants to keep in there until he can sell the house. This is going to make him mad, mostly because those were "A gift given to us." Same thing with the grill, and the patio furniture and many other things. I'm nervous as fuck. Let's get it out there, shall we? Nervous as fuck. Say it again............
Nervous as fuck.
Why? I'm nervous because I know he isn't going to be happy when he comes home and sees that those things are going to be gone. Why do I care? I guess I don't want to fight. I don't want there to be anymore disappointment surrounding this than there already is. I know that doesn't mean I have to bend over backwards to him. I didn't make this choice. My biggest fear, is that when I get there, he will have taken pictures down. Why does that scare me so much?
Regardless of that fact, when you share so much with someone, and it seems like they are conflicted themselves, that makes it harder. Sure, he is going to be cocky of the fact that he did this (in front of her friends)....
"I guess she deleted her Facebook because setting her status to 'single' was too hard to bear."
How can you say one thing, and then say another to contradict it?
I guess he deleted me out of his life because coping with this is too hard to bear.
Then again maybe he feels nothing. If that's true then so be it. As much as that makes me want to run to the bathroom and throw this bagel up.......
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