Thursday, October 25, 2012

Just Go Numb

Day three.  These have been hands down, the LONGEST three days of my life.  Throughout these three days, I have done so much thinking and pondering---so much wishing and hoping.  So much reminiscing.  Truth is, remembering really hurts.  Everyone tells me to look at the good and the bad, because the past six years of my life have truly been a learning experience.  Yes, they may have been.  There have been a lot of birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, vacations---kisses, hugs, embraces and hand holding.  Looks where you just know when someone loves you.  All of that is gone now.  Gone with him.  Right now, it's almost as if it was all a dream.  A dream, I would want to forget for now, because thinking of the good---and even the bad hurts too much.  My heart hurts----there is this constant feeling inside of me, a feeling of hurt.  All I want to feel is numb.  It's like Usher says "Shake it off, let it go, I don't care anymore.  Just go numb.  You never know until you let go."

I don't want to feel anything right now.  Right now, I kind of want to just do what I have to in order to survive.  I know that includes eating and sleeping and going to work.  I've been sleeping, and I have been going to work.  In fact, sleeping has become my favorite part of the day.  When I wake up in the morning, I cannot wait until the moment I can get into bed and close my eyes.  Even then I dream of him.  So he still gets me that way.  Hopefully someday my brain can shut him off and I can just sleep.  I don't want any dreams.  I just want emptiness.  

Everyone says I need to stop asking the question "why" or "how."  What could I have done differently?  There is no answer to that, and as much as I want him to know that I would have worked towards making whatever we had work---I know now that in all essence he wants to be him for awhile.   

As I continue to look at the stages of grief, I guess I haven't passed into stage two yet.  Really, I don't know if I want to deal with stage two:

2. Anger: As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge.  We are not ready.  The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed as anger.  The anger may be aimed at intimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family.  Anger may be directed at the one we love.  Rationally, we know this person is not to be blamed.  Emotionally, however, may may resent the person for causing this pain or for leaving us.  We feel guilt for being angry, and this makes us more angry.  

Much of that relates to someone who has passed....but either way it feels like the same concept.

So for now-----I go numb--and I wait for Saturday---when I have to go to the home that we built together, and pack up what was once my life---and right now---that hurts more than anything.

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