Signs

I’ve been holding back on writing for a bit, mostly because sometimes I feel as though my thoughts get somewhat repetitive and boring.  Last night, whilst I was lying in bed with a terrible stomach ache—I wrote half of a blog.  When I read through the first half I had composed, I later deleted it.  I must have been in one of those moods. 

When I go back and look through my previous posts, I honestly cannot believe that, I have shared so much with the world.  Question being here, have I shared so much—that I actually seem like some unstable crazy person?  Do my blogs make it seem like I only live some kind of life filled with nothing but pain, sorrow and unhappiness?  I sure hope not.  I guess the appealing thing about blogging is, I can get everything off my chest in a way that I normally wouldn’t be able to when someone asks me ‘What are you thinking about?’ Apparently, you can definitely tell when I am thinking---which is all of the time.

Looking back to October of this year, I can say I was in a pretty low place.  As the months continued to pass me by, I continued to move through different stages of grief—which I talked about often in my posts.  I look at where I’m at now, and I see a lot of progression.  I’ve moved through numbness to feel everything---only to find myself in some irrational forms of thoughts.  I often find myself saying crazy things to other people---for example….I told Ashley on Wednesday, that I look like ‘Mama June’ from Honey Boo Boo.  You and I both know this isn’t true.  Sometimes I feel like I look like her---and that’s something I need to work through.  At the end of the day, though, ‘Mama June’ has someone that comes home to her at night.  Ashley just rolled her eyes at me, when I said that—and she reassured to me, like she always does “There is someone out there for everyone.”

There is someone out there for everyone. 

Is there?  I mean, what about those stereotypical women who live alone in their homes with like 15 cats?  What about them?  Is that ‘someone’ for them the 15 cats that they feed and nurture?  What about the old man—that doesn’t have 15 cats, but he does have his Chicago Times….and he goes to work and he drives his car, and at night when he gets home he sits down with that Chicago Times, and he watches the news with a glass of whiskey on the rocks.  When all is said and done, he goes to bed, alone---placing his watch on the nightstand, and setting the alarm for morning.  Only to repeat the same monotonous routine the next day.  It’s like that Will Ferrel movie, Stranger than Fiction.  His character in the movie has such a regimented routine that he brushes his teeth for a certain amount of strokes.  He leaves at the same time every single day, to take the same bus, waking to said bus at the same pace—holding the same type of apple in his hand.  It is only when his character realizes that his life is being narrated (and) that a book is being written about him (in which he is meant to die)—does he start living a normal life.  He even finds that special someone. 

I understand that these are completely stereotypical scenarios, and that the reality of them might be quite skewed in general.  Nevertheless-it makes me wonder if I am destined to live that kind of life.  Then I remember what everyone keeps telling me: Be comfortable with yourself before you go investing yourself in a relationship.  So I continue to live a normal life.  I get up, I go to work, I even sing in the car on the way there.  I come home, I change, I go to the gym—where sometimes I push myself really hard…and other times I just go because I know I need to go. I watch new episodes of Chopped, I watch re-runs of Chopped.  I go for night drives, and I read books (no, not at the same time because that would be unsafe).  I go to Therapy, and I talk through my frustrations.  I let my dog sleep in my bed, no matter how much hair ends up in it afterwards. I make plans with friends, I go out, and I take silly pictures.  I spend my money on what I want when I want.  I don’t’ have to ask permission to buy a plane ticket to California to see my friend Julia before she is deployed.  I live my life. 

One of the main aspects of ‘living life’ that I have enjoyed—is the rekindling of past relationships.  Frenchy is no longer with us---but I get to spend a lot of time with her family.  I get to watch Maelynn grow—and I see so much of Francesca in her.  The other day, she was playing ‘restaurant’ and making me a ‘birthday cake.’  All of a sudden, she looks at me and she goes ‘Alexandria, would you like some cake?’  No one in that family calls me Alexandria.  I’m always just Alex.  She might have heard my mother call me Alexandria once or twice—but not enough to remember the actual name.  So we asked her “Mae, where did you hear that name, and who told you that her name is Alexandria?”  She looks at Anthony, and responds: “Frenchy, from the sky.”  Frenchy from the sky.  I’ve been thinking about Frenchy from the sky, quite a bit lately.  In fact, I went to visit her last weekend.  Right when I was pulling into the cemetery, the song Only Hope came onto my iPod (which was on shuffle).  The same song that was sung at her funeral.  I didn’t think much of it—I just sort of brushed it off. I pulled some of the weeds that were growing around her headstone, and I talked to her for about 15 minutes.  I told her that, even though I have all of these people around me—supporting and loving me…I still feel lonely.  I told her that I hope I am making her proud…and that wish I knew what the plan for me was.  The next day is when Maelynn started calling me Alexandria.  I am not sure what she is trying to tell me---but in some weird way I like that she is sending me signs here and there.  Even if I don’t know what they mean, I still like to know that she is with me.

All I can say is this: I think that I am the best I’ve been for months.  I still float back and forth, and I waver.  I have moments of loneliness and moments where I’m sad.  Then I look around, and I see the faces of many people in my life—who have really put up with a great deal.  I know, at the end of the day, there are people who truly love me.  Even though, in the back of my mind I am terrified that I will never experience love again. I don’t know why experiencing that means so much to me.  I’m not sure why investing so much in feelings and emotions for another person means so much to me.  I think that it’s because as human beings we all want to feel wanted and loved by another person.  There comes a time, though when you have to let go of that feeling the past brought to you.  It’s like taking all of those past feelings and emotions---and putting them in a box and floating them down the Des Plaines.  As the water carries them away---you get a last glimpse, only to know that soon enough the water will saturate the box, turn it into mush and the contents of such will float away in their own direction.  Some of those contents will disintegrate themselves.  Others will travel for a long time on their own personal journey.  Maybe someone else will find the contents of that box.  Maybe those items will come to hold importance in someone else’s eyes.  Or, there is that inevitable occurrence where the contents sink to the bottom of the river…never to be seen again.  Regardless of what happens to those feelings and emotions—when you let go, something else has to take the place of what you’ve cleared out.  It doesn’t necessarily have to be that feeling of romantic love and companionship.  I guess what I am trying to say here, (and what I am trying to believe myself) is that whatever seems important in the moment---let that fill your heart.  Right now, I am what’s filling my heart.  My determination to change the way I look and feel and my yearning to be able to successfully float that box down the river is what fills my heart.  My family, my friends, my own little world has filled my heart. 

No matter what kind of day or week, month or year you’re having.  Let something positive fill your heart.  Otherwise you might just turn to dust.  Believe me; I’ve spent a great deal of time in the land of negativity to know that it all just weighs you down in the end.  It is so much easier sometimes to see the negative---when sometimes that little glimmer of light is shining around you so subtlety.  Take the time to see it.     

A. 

Checks and Balances

I haven't written in awhile....and I think it is because my brain (per the usual) has been in so many places at once that I'm not entirely sure what I'd write about. So I think that today I'll talk about change and progression. Which is something I've definitely covered before, I  know. I sometimes just can't help but focus on it because the notion of change has really made itself apparent to me in the past 8 months.

So the other day I was standing on the deck of some dear friends of mine. I often find myself out there---and really it is a great place to go to in order to think and contemplate. Not that I need a specific place for contemplating because my brain is always going 100 miles a minute. So while I was standing out there, the wind was blowing just right and the sun was setting above the trees. I looked around me and saw Maelynn's bucket full of toys sitting on the deck table. A small trike in the corner and a trampoline in the yard. I thought about the carelessness a child feels at a young age. There's a time when the only thing you worry about is.....well honestly I can't remember what I worried about when I was 4 years old. Sadly, I don't remember being 4 years old at all, really. Anyway, I started to think about the progression of our lives and how the preoccupations of everyday adult life slowly creep up on us. As those preoccupations creep up on us, so do the changes we often don't notice or maybe even try to avoid. Time changes who we are and what we care about. For me, my cares and focuses remained consisted for quite some time. Now, I seem almost obsessed and focused on one thing: myself. As selfish and terrible as that sounds---it's the complete truth. Admitting that I'm the main focus these days is quite difficult. Admitting my current obsession is even more difficult. 

This obsession has taken over a large part of my brain. I will admittedly tell you all, though, that my other obsession has become thinking. I'm in a constant state of thought. 2 weeks ago, I went to my very first hot yoga class. I want to start off by telling you, it's freaking hot in there. Yes, I know that's why it is called 'hot yoga.' Secondly, I have a really hard time taking yoga seriously. You see, because I'm that 'thinker' I have a meditation/concentration deficiency. As we laid on the floor, sweating our asses off, the woman encouraged us to meditate. So I closed my eyes....and the flowing thought process ensued:

"God, it's hot in here...sort of glad I'm laying down; I'm hungry; wonder what traffic will be like in the morning; what should I wear tomorrow; I need new shoes; yep---still hot in here; why is this woman talking about being a fetus safe in our mother's tummy---that's interesting; wonder if we will be done soon; wonder if the person that last used this mat cleaned it thoroughly; sure hope so...."

I'm sure there were more thoughts than that. After awhile I got so lost in my own thought process that I forgot to pay attention. Point being here, I even have a hard time praying at church---and yoga didn't help the process. I know that sounds so terrible. Please don't think I'm this terrible church person. I really do try to concentrate and usually get my thoughts and prayers out before my mind wanders. 

....and I just went on a random tangent.

So....change. I really think it's all about checks and balances. In life, we experience a large amount of changes. Some---don't phase us and others rock our worlds. While sometimes these changes are terrifying, at the end of the day there's a balance to everything. It takes that change to force a person to check their current state. Think about it. Who are you, and where are you going? Why have to made certain choices and what were the ramifications of such? For a long time, I was under the impression that planning every single next 'step' out was the sure fire way to get where I wanted to go. Alas, we make plans...God laughs. He throws those checks in there to balance the course of our lives in a way that sometimes just doesn't seem fair or understandable. That is where the balance comes in. I suppose at the same time the checks come into play too. When our world seems to be coasting along so perfectly, we sometimes need that reality check to remind us to let go--which is the hardest part of change. Letting go means we aren't in control of the change happening around us, and that's terrifying. 

In the end, the biggest thing we can do for ourselves, is let go. Let life happen. Sometimes, as cliche as it is...life will hand you lemons. What you do with those lemons is truly up to you. It's like the Chopped Challenge basket. You have no idea what you're going to pull out of that basket...and sometimes the ingredients you're provided with are outrageous. So if you are in fact provided with lemons in that basket, don't just make lemonade. Do something bigger and better. 

If you do, you're sure to remain balanced in this helter skelter ride we call life. Take on the changes, evaluate the checks, see the balances....and turn your nose up at the lemonade you're expected to make. You never know, you might be on to the next big thing.

A.

At a Glance

Life is full of endings and beginnings. It's part a constant cycle of our existence---and while we can look forward to our new beginnings, we unfortunately cannot escape endings. Endings are inevitable. Sometimes they're good and sometimes they're bad.  I guess it all depends on how you choose to view it. 

In the past few months, I'd say that I've encountered many endings. While a great deal of them proved to be very painful, I know that I'm strong enough to keep running. Or at least that is what I keep telling myself. I look around me and I see that I'm not the only one dealing with change---and for some the hits just keep on coming. Sometimes in life we don't take time to stop and look at what's happening around us. It often becomes so easy to get lost in your own life that you forget to think about others.  

The above was inspired by the changes that I'm currently going through now and the changes I see going on around me. When I look back to this time last year....and I look at myself now, it is like a totally different girl is staring back at me in the mirror. Change is good, and there are new beginnings just on the horizon. It is both exciting and scary. 

I suppose you're all wondering why I chose to name this blog 'At a Glance.' There are lots of things swirling around in my brain right now. I suppose I could compare the changes going on in my life to a glance or glimpse of what my future is to be. However, honestly the concept of a glance is what really inspired me. 

While watching the movie Identity Theft today, I was taken back by a single moment. I'm not going to go into my typical synopsis of the film---because the title is almost self explanatory...

So, there's this one part of the film where Melissa McCarthy gets a makeover before a dinner that she's to have with the man whose identity she has stolen. When she walks into the room he does this double take. Now, let's get two things straight here:

1.) I know and understand that this is a movie....and moments like that are created to engage the audience and force a point. 

2.) I also know and understand that there are many movies that have this type of 'at a glance' moments.

That isn't the point here. The point is that Jason Bateman perfectly executed this moment. In the film he is a married man...and we all know that he doesn't have feelings for this woman; however he does this double take where you can see he genuinely thinks this woman is beautiful. 

I'm not sure if that ever happens in real life. I remember moments of my own where I was told that I'm beautiful. Looking back on it now, I know that I was beautiful to him at that time. I guess what I would like to share here is something very personal. I'm not sure when I decided I could trust my readers with this....but it is all part of this new chapter in my life. 

The one thing that I ask is that you don't judge me. I made some poor life choices and now I have to spend the time to try and fix the aftermath that's been left from those choices.

In the past 6 years I have gained about 50 or more pounds. It is embarrassing. It is disappointing and it's sickening. When people ask, 'How can someone let themselves get to that point?' I want to answer them with:

It's easy to get off track.

Life happens and that isn't an excuse. You get to a point where you stop caring. Then when you realize what you've been doing to yourself all along....it is entirely too late for a quick fix. It's a lot easier to let yourself get out of control---and picking up the pieces from that is very complicated. 

In the aftermath of the destructive behavior I became slave to...I do know that I need to start getting it together. I've always had a poor self image---and the weight has done nothing but destroy me. In this battle I've been my own worst enemy. I've been the destructor. 

June 10th starts a new job for me, and with that comes a new hope and desire for me to get back to a physically comfortable place. It is my hope that someday I'll be able to look in the mirror and have this unfounded sense of pride and appreciation for what I've done for me. 

So now I work towards a better me----in search of that perfectly executed glance.

A.

Checkmate!

Chess.  It's a game of wit, intelligence and strategy.  For those of you that are chess connoisseurs, you know that the game itself can be quite enthralling if you're patient enough to wait it out.  I, my friends, am not a chess or checkers player.  I don't have the patience for it, and I'm a sore loser.  That's why I always cheat when I play Monopoly.  I can't stand being the one without the money and properties so I barter with people and try to make unfair deals in order to be the one that comes out on top. Fun little fact about me and my sportsmanship: It sucks.  

In the grand scheme of things, though, the reason why I chose to discuss chess is because lately I've been thinking about the way things play out in this game we call life.  Honestly, my inspiration comes from an analogy I've heard about 100 times this past month:

It's like we are all chess pieces in a game.  We get moved here and there, and sometimes you get knocked off the board.  Sometimes you move in for a win.  Either way, you're not totally in control...and that is both scary and thrilling at the same time. 

So, is it true?  Are we all just pieces on a board, waiting for our next move?  It's interesting to think about because in all honesty sometimes the square we're moved to isn't exactly one that plays to our advantage.  It's easy to understand that good things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people...and so on and so forth. I'm sure you get the picture.  It's just fascinating to watch it all play out.  Even when you are dealt that shitty poker hand.  It's still as if you can't peel your eyes or your brain off of what's happening.  That is why I always say, when it's good....it's really good and when it's bad...well,  it can be really bad.  

So how do you weigh it all out?  Do you covet your wins and count your losses?  Why is it that when we remember things, the good stands out but the bad is always looming in the background?  What about that negative energy sort of takes us for it's own?  

I guess why I think about this now...is because it seems like I'm sort of that chess piece that's falling into place. New job, new things on the horizon. Everything has this positive feel to it. So what am I getting at here? What's the wisdom that I can offer? Life is like a game in it's own right. Sometimes you lose and that's okay. Sometimes the loss is so devastating you're not sure that you'll recover from it. The truth is, (and this is what I think)...the loss is only as devastating as you let it be. There's always a way to recover from any loss that you may face. 

In my last blog, I discussed being selfish. It's something that I'm starting to believe more and more as I continue to play this game. So I'm going to keep on working towards that win. Sure, there will be losses along the way....but the only thing you can do is dust off your shoes and keep running.

Run on...

A.
  

Things That Make You Go "Hmmmmmm..."

Blogging from my phone again....I'm babysitting the kiddos, so I thought it might be a good idea to get my latest thoughts out.

Lately I've been thinking a lot a about that thing we call 'The Dating Game.' In all honesty, as someone who is now single after dating someone for 6 years, it's a messy business. When I first embarked on my dating journey after the breakup....I thought that perhaps there was something wrong with me....that there was a reason for all the things I was  experiencing. Well, after getting my head on straight, there's two things I've realized:

1.) When something is meant to happen, it will. The more you force it, the less likely it is for something to happen.

2.) There is nothing wrong with you. You might have your faults as everyone does, but in reality there was something incompatible about you and that other person-----

So as I sat down to think of the track of this blog....I thought about a particular person in my life whom I've grown quite close to. Funny thing is, I've never met her face-to-face. Either way, through work and through my blogs we have bonded. So, this one's for you.

New York City. City of big lights and big dreams. I always thought that living in NYC meant you had some sort of a glamorous life. Like Carry Bradshaw from Sex in the City. You know? Walking down the street in your Louboutin shoes with your Prada handbag and Couture sunglasses. In this vision of mine, you'd have the perfect job with the perfect group of friends that you'd meet up with for happy hour. Yes. Most of these visions are in fact fueled by Sex and the City. Regardless of that, I've learned that life in the big city is pretty fabulous; however on the man front it is much like anything you would encounter. I guess it is true when they say you have to kiss a few toads before you find your prince. 

After a long story via google chat at work this is the abbreviated version of her story. You see, she's met a few guys in that big city, and they all seem to have the same problem: Dating. This particular guy seemed decent. Until he started really talking. The short of it is, he told her that he wasn't really sure he wanted to date or a relationship. However he did want to spend time with her, hang out and get to know her on a deeper level. So, I'm not sure what you call that. Hanging out? Spending time together? Why isn't it dating? Perhaps there is something with the title of dating that makes it all a little too final?

But wait....this story doesn't stop here. So after a few outings where they saw each other at a common hang-out...things started to seem more interesting. He invited her to dinner with some friends for his birthday (they were going after the bar they were all hanging out at). He left her there talking to one of his friends. So she went home. He texted her wondering where she was. She explained that he left her so she went home. So he said he wanted another chance. They talked. He met her for drinks another night and gave her this whole spiel about how he really liked her and wanted another chance. She told him she would believe it when it actually happened. You see she is strong, and wasn't really about to let him in fully. They left it at that.

So a weekend later, she sees him at the same bar. He acts as if he doesn't know her. What's even more awkward about it, is they run into each other in the hallway by the bathroom. His friend says hello to her. He says nothing. 

She gets a text later:

"I'm sorry it was so awkward....you see to be honest....I went to the bar to meet another girl."

So there you have it ladies and gents. In the last year I've seen a lot of shit. I've seen a marriage go awry, I've been dumped only to find out that he's with someone else 2 months later....and then this story. So what are we getting at here? Well, I would love to say that I trust but I don't. From what I can tell the male species has a tendency to be misleading in their own right, not just in this region. I'm not saying it is every guy and I'm not trying to stereotype. It sure does come off that way, though, after reading this. I'm also not denying that some women can be lying bitches. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is this: how many toads do you have to kiss before you find your prince? Also, what's to guarantee that the prince you find is actually going to be that knight in shining armor for the rest of your life?

When I think of it, this is all I can say. There comes a time when the most important thing in your life, becomes you. We often spend so much time investing in others and their priorities and needs. I'm 25. Maybe it's time for me to be a little selfish? I think we all need to go through a period like that. We need to learn how to be selfish, mostly because when it comes time to invest in someone...you won't go completely in. You'll still know how to be a little selfish, you'll know when to put your foot down and when to fight. 

So to my dear friend, I say this. Keep doing what you're doing. Go out, dance, drink, play volleyball with your friends, live life in the big city. You're glamorous. Now just be a little more selfish, and that's what's going to help you keep your head up. 

Now I just need to follow my own advice.

Stay selfish, ladies.

A.

PS

Thought I would keep the theme of my blog by showing you my latest selfish accomplishment at the gym!

Ring of Fire

Remember when you were learning to ride a bike? You start off with training wheels and when the time is right....those get loosened so that you start to learn trust in yourself. Then, (if you had a childhood similar to mine) your parents take the training wheels off and help you balance in the grass. Finally after you've balanced and practiced it's time to take your new found skill to the pavement.

I'll never forget the first time that I went to the pavement. My heart was beating fast, my brain racing and my nerves were on edge. My mom stood behind me, with both hands on the seat...and with one swift move pushed me. I took off like a bat out of hell, raced down the street feeling free.

It was then, I realized that sometimes all
you need is a little push. I've been knocked down, and stood back up. I've been lied to and placated. I've gotten back up only to be knocked back down again. It's okay.....sometimes the news we receive and the things that people do to us are just a little push.

I'm using this week as my push in more ways than one. Yes, I lost my job. Yes I've been done wrong by someone....but only so much can happen before everything starts to look up.

I won't be in this ring of fire forever.

A.

Kick Me When I'm Down

Just when I thought I couldn't feel any worse.  It's worse.  In all of this, one of the main things I've had to get me through this was my job.  In every conversation I've had, the response is always "Well at least you have a good job, you can provide for yourself (etc.)  Well, all that has changed as of today.  Please don't think that I make a business out of telling everyone what's going on in my life constantly.  It just seems like the only way that I can get everything off of my chest is by telling everyone what's going on.

So I did have a job.  A good one.  Until I heard the words 'Cost Savings Initiative.'  So that's where I am at.  I'm 25.  I live with my parents.  I sleep in a twin sized bed. I've now been laid off.  My last day is June 3.  So where do I go from here?  I need to try and find a job that is as good as the one I have.  I just feel so lost in so many ways.  I keep hearing that this is all part of a bigger plan.  What's the plan for me?

A.