Where are you going, and what do you wish?

Sometimes I wish that I had a 'blogger' application linked to my brain.  It's tough because sometimes, I have a thought, "That would be perfect for my blog."  Hence, I am going out and buying a journal and a nice pen.  Anytime I have one of those thoughts, I can write it down.

----Begin Blog----

Cruel Intentions.  It's a movie starring Ryan Phillipe and Reese Witherspoon.  In the film, Sebastian  (played by Phillipe) is a self centered and egotistical 'teenager' with money to burn and the looks to do it with.  His stepsister,  Katherine (played by Sarah Michelle Gellar) makes a bet with him.  You see, Phillipe and Gellar constantly play a game of cat-and-mouse because she knows that he is madly in love with her.  The bet is this:

If Sebastian successfully seduces Annette, (a sworn virgin until marriage) then Katherine will 'make all of his dreams come true'.

 As Sebastian attempts to fulfill his conquest, he begins to fall in love with Annette, and actually care about her.  The truth is, it scares the shit out of him--because he realizes what he thought was once love---doesn't even begin to compare to what he is starting to feel for Annette. For once in his life, he realizes the person that he is.  For once in his life, someone else means more to him, than himself.  

 The film comes to a point, where Annette finally accepts him.  He stops himself from actually completing his 'mission'---leaving Annette embarrassed, ashamed, and feeling dumb for letting herself feel something for Sebastian.

After the meeting the bedroom, when Sebastian stops himself from having sex with Annette, he returns to his room out of breath.  When he closes the door to his room, he is left standing there looking in the mirror.  Looking at the man that he finally realizes he is.  

The next morning, Annette leaves the house (she is staying with Sebastian's Aunt) because she can't bear to face with happened.  After a conversation with Katherine, Sebastian decides that he must go after Annette.  Not because he needs to 'seal the deal' (although that is what he would prefer Katherine to think), but because he truly is in love with her.  He feels bad that he hurt her in such a way.  Sebastian gets into his car and finds out where she is going.  

Enter Counting Crows, Colorblind--and the scene to meet all scenes. Sebastian travels through the city of New York, over some kind of bridge---and to a train station.  Annette gets on the escalator, and takes it to the upper level.  Standing there, at the top of the escalator is Sebastian.  A true grand gesture of love.  

 

Annette and Sebastian have sex for the first time, thus consumating the feelings they've been having for one another. 

 

Following all of these events, Sebastian goes back to Katherine, and explains that he has won 'the bet'.  Katherine, becomes upset, for two reasons: Sebastian has followed through on what he has claimed he could do; and he has fallen in love with a girl who is everything she isn't.  In the moment she realizes this, she threatens to damage both Sebastian and Annette's reputation by exposing the entire situation.  She manipulates Sebastian, by saying the one thing that truly gets him.... 

"People don't change overnight..."

 

Worried that Katherine might be right, Sebastian makes the hasty decision to break things off with Annette.  He explains that she was just a conquest, that he really didn't feel anything for her--and that he messed up.  Deep down, they both know that he is lying---especially as he tries to choke back the tears when he tells her this. 

 

The movie ends, as Sebastian continues to learn of Katherine's manipulative antics.  He realizes that it doesn't matter what happens, as long as Annette knows that he is the person she thinks he is---and that he loves her.  He makes a copy of his most prized possession (his journal), and gives it to Annette.  She reads it, and finally understands who he is.  Feeling some kind of forgiveness, she takes to the streets of NYC after she sees him outside her bedroom window.  Meanwhile, as he is walking down the street (away from Annette's apartment building), another character (who fits in with the manipulations of Katherine) attacks Sebastian on the street.  A fight ensues, and Annette attempts to stop it.  She ends up being thrown in the street by the other gentleman, and Sebastian throws himself in front of a cab in order to save her (which is sort of dramatic, yes).  He tells Annette he loves her with his last dying breath--and she admits that she loves him too.

At Sebastian's funeral, Katherine and Annette exchange words---both acting as if they don't know who the other is. 

Enter the Verve's Bittersweet Symphony, and Sebastian's revenge on Katherine.  Annette has made copies of Sebastian's journal, and the entire student body of their school reads it---in addtion to all the attendees of Sebastian's funeral.  In the end, Katherine is hated by all, because they realize that she is deceitful, manipulative and selfish.  Moreover, she ends up alone--and Annette ends up driving off, with a sweet smile of satisfaction plastered on her face. 

What can we learn from this interesting (and probably forgotten) teen movie from the 90's?  The first lesson, is that the things that we think aren't always good for us,  might just be fine.  The truth of the matter is, you never know until you give it a chance.  There is always the chance we could get hurt.  Getting hurt by taking a chance is always a possibilty.  Sometimes you just have to let yourself let go.

Another lesson we can learn: our lives are not directed by John Hughes (Thank You Easy A).  While this film wasn't directed by John Hughes, and it's a lot darker than anything John Hughes ever directed, the concept is there.  Love, is not that easy.  Ryan Phillipe does not show up at a train station and wait for us at the top of the escalator.  However, as females---we have the right to dream.  In dreams, and in love there are no impossibilities.

Lastly, we must know, that even though we might want (them) to---people don't change overnight.   

For the past month and a half I have been writing about becoming a new person.  I have a new hair cut and I see a therapist (which is hard for me to admit here, because you all are aware that I'm a hot mess).  The complete and honest answer is, I just keep existing as I am--making the changes as I see fit.  The biggest, and most important change I want to make, just isn't happening---and it's a constant obsession.  When I am not thinking about him or the situation at hand, I am thinking about how much I hate the way I look.  Yesterday I went to a party with a friend of mine.  I got all dressed up, and put make up on.  I felt good when I left work.  Once I saw myself in the mirror, I hated the way I looked.  I thought in my head "No wonder why he didn't want you anymore....go back and look at your pictures throughout the past six years." I'm not sure how to stop hating myself. 

People don't change overnight.