Wednesday, June 7, 2017

"Music's the only thing that makes sense anymore, man. Play it loud enough, it keeps the demons at bay."

Let’s test your sense of self for a moment. Shall we?  We’re going to play a game of sorts. So…if you don’t’ like games, stop reading now.

Close your eyes.  Well, no, I guess you can’t close your eyes and keep reading this at the same time. So, don’t close your eyes. Focus. Imagine taking a moment to step outside yourself. So, you’re no longer really ‘you’ at the moment. You’re someone else, looking at yourself. Now, as yourself this question, “WHO, is that?” Now, who do you see? Notice there I didn’t say ‘What do you see?’ Who do you see? It’s an interesting way to sort of ponder your ‘person’, who you are, what you stand for, where you’re going, etc. My professional recommendation is that you take the time to do this once and a while (but not too often---because then you get caught up in too many life ponderings) so that you can channel your chi.

Lately I have been participating in this exercise perhaps a little too much. I spent the better part of 6.5 hours a few weeks ago trudging through mud, climbing up hills, and trying not to fall off of a small cliff into a wooded ravine. Really, when one is presented with this situation, the only logical thing to do, is ponder every aspect of life imaginable. Which, in my case really isn’t anything all that unusual. I thought about a lot of things during those 6.5 hours. As I write this, I am laughing because, someone has been telling me for years that they always wonder what it would be like to be inside of my head. I always reply, ‘Well, you’d probably be begging to get out after being in there for 5 minutes.’ Funny thing, my mind. It. Never. Stops. Ever. The same person, has told me she can always tell when the wheels are turning. So…for those of you who are just dying to get inside my brain for a bit, here are just a few of my life ponderings during those 13.1 miles (or 6.5 hours).
  •  Please don’t fall, please don’t fall   
  • Shit.
  • Note to self: check body for ticks after this
  • I knew I wasn’t as ready for this as I should have been   
  • Do not let yourself down
  • You won’t let yourself down
  • Okay, we’ve got this, we’re going, we’re running
  • Uniform 901-3213
  • Repeat the above over and over for about 20 minutes
  • Branch, bugs, trees, nature, so itchy
  • It’s hot
  • I’m hungry
  • How much longer do we have to do this for?
  • I miss my dad, God to I miss him
  • Don’t start crying, you’re fine
  • I wonder what other people are doing today?
  • What time is it?
  • What if there’s a snapping turtle in one of these mud lakes I have to trudge through? What if it bites my toe, and then I have no toe?
  • Serious life question, do left handed people prefer their computer mouse on the left side?
  • I’m going to be 30 in 3 months. How did that happen?
  • God. For being 30, I sure as shit haven’t mastered the ‘adulting’ thing
  • Well, if you haven’t mastered it, or you think you haven’t mastered it, let’s make a plan right here, right now in these woods to master it…
  • Oh, that’s right, you’re like the worst at following any life plan that you lay out for yourself
  • That’s why you can’t take yourself seriously
  • But are you happy?
  • ………are you?
  • Hello?
  • No.
  • Well, what makes you happy?
  • I don’t know right now. Getting out of these woods and crossing that finish line would make me happy.
  • Okay, let’s focus on that.
  • But really though, who am I and what am I supposed to do? What is my purpose?
  • Time will only tell…..
  • God, my hip hurts and I smell like a dirty hobo……………….

I could potentially write about 4 more pages worth of bullets. But I think I’ll spare you all from the inner workings of my brain. If you’re reading this blog, I am guessing that you’ve been reading my work for at least a little bit of time. So you know me on many levels. Through heartbreak, and depression, and life achievements, weight loss celebrations, and hilarious date stories. You, readers, know the truest me.

Someone at work once started reading my blog….and told me that he finished all 50 (at the time) over the course of two nights. He said, it made him happy and sad, but also that he felt like he knew me better after reading. This is me, this is who I am. I think that a lot of people feel a great deal of things in life. Some of us express those things in different ways. I used to think I was crazy, always jumping from one thought to the next without any break. But this is me. Raw truth and all. Feelings are real, both happy and sad, and that’s what it is. 

So where am I going with this today? I just realized that this blog today is super unfocused. Perhaps that’s because I feel that way on so many levels of my life right now. Two years ago, I believe, I wrote about the Girl in the Snow Globe (if you need a refresher, go back to that blog and read, it’s a gem). I, of course, was the girl. In a lot of ways, I still am. Actually, in all ways, really. I always have this tendency to feel sorry for myself, in a way. Like, I’m a good person, how come I am so stuck, blah, blah, blah. At the end of the day, when a person is feeling stuck, they only have one person to blame. Themselves. I can say that, beyond a doubt, 100%. Life circumstances are life circumstances, sure. Great. But if you’re stuck, or you’ve been feeling that way for a long time, it’s about time that you ask yourself one question:

What have I been doing to keep myself here?

Some of us, are stuck, because whether we like it or not, there might be some semblance of comfort in the place(s) we’ve chosen to tuck ourselves into. I complain a lot. I look at other people, and where they’re at, and I wonder why I can’t do those things. A few weeks ago, I did do something. I walked away from that finish line happy, yet still reeling from being stuck in my head all day long. This carried into the week. It stuck with me for 5 days. I cried twice this week during conversations with two separate individuals. Same conversation. Me asking what I’m supposed to be doing. What my purpose is, and how to move forward and get out of this rut.

The answer from both individuals was simple, really:

You have to figure out what makes you happy.

I’ve spend a good majority of my life making others happy. If others are happy, then I’m happy because life is generally harmonious and all that jazz. I’ve spent a good majority of my life thinking happiness lies in physical appearance, in things owned and achieved, etc. Until a few weeks ago, when my horoscope sort of rounded out the inner turmoil of this week in an almost perfect way:

Today, Leo, you need to recognize that happiness does not come from outside sources. While it would certainly be nice to have more money, a bigger house, a spectacular vacation, or whatever else you might be dreaming of, if you aren’t happy at the soul level, it won’t really matter. You may be focused on some goal that you think will make the difference in your life between happiness and unhappiness, but you can be happy no matter what. There will always be another goal to aim for, but happiness should be a constant condition.

So today I ask this question, in a more honest manner than I have ever asked it before. What do I need to do in order to make myself happy? When I look at myself, I know that a lot of people see what I see. They see good. Yet, they also see an easily irritated, easily flustered (nearly) 30 year old woman, who builds up her walls so high that she’s created her own barriers. A woman who hides her demons, and just pretends all is well, all the while just struggling to figure out where to go and what to do. I’ve been saying this since I started this blog in 2012. It’s a question that I don’t think we ever stop asking in life. No matter who you are, what happens in your life or how ‘happy’ or ‘sad’ you are. There’s no straight path to get to where you’re going in life, even if you are ‘going’ somewhere per say.

At this present juncture, I cannot give you the answer to the question that I ask so often. I don’t know that I will ever be able to. I honestly can’t even give you an ultimate purpose or intention for this blog. What I can say, and do know at the moment, is that life is boring living in the walls you’ve built up so high. Even though they’re meant to protect, they often shelter you in a way that ends up hurting you in the long run. Let the walls down, and even though you might get hurt in the process of living your life, at least you didn’t spend it wondering where you’re supposed to be and who you could be if you hadn’t taken shelter in your castle.


Even though you’re vulnerable….like a man on a paintball mission….you might just be able to see a little light and the end of the path you’re running down.

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