Sunday, January 8, 2017


Someone once said, if you don't learn from the past, you are doomed to repeat it. There are many variations of this quote....and I honestly cannot tell you who's responsible for this sentiment. What I do know, is that it's been used by parents and teachers for quite some time. I mean, what kid isn't somewhat terrified of not learning from the past and potentially repeating actions that had really bad outcomes?

Many believe that the past is the past, and that it should be left there. I often tend to agree. Yet, living in the past sometimes becomes a force of habit for many of us; and even if some do indeed live in that place---their reflection of those memories often does not result in any type of learning. For me, reliving the past very much causes me to think about the 'Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda' factor (sorry if the spelling for that euphemism is off). I hate that factor. I think that factor sometimes makes things worse. Things happened because they happened. We reacted to situations in a certain manner, because we were supposed to react that way. The only redeeming quality of that reflection is the knowledge we may or may not have gained from whatever it is that happened.

Apparently, according to numerology, this year, in my 29th year of life, I am supposed to end an era. It is supposed to be the year to complete unfinished business, reach conclusions and tie up loose ends. It's all about accepting doors that have closed, facing the reality of the past, how it's impacting my present and decide how I want to create my future. It's a year of great preponderance and reflection.

Thus far, I can tell you that the 9 year sucks. At least it does for me. I overthink everything, and I feel like there's something out there that I am meant to figure out...yet I have absolutely no idea what that is. I don't feel like this is a standard life moment either. Like the typical early to mid twenties time period where you ponder what you're supposed to do with your life. I feel like I sort of figured that out a little while ago.I am just wondering what I need to let go of. Many would say past relationships, or negative past experiences. However, as many of you can see (from reading past blogs), I think that I've worked through the aftermath caused by the ending of a past relationship. While I am sure there's still plenty to learn from it, it does not really affect me anymore.

So what's left?  There's one thing, and I believe that it's something I carry with me, and probably will continue to carry with me always. I had a conversation with someone yesterday that really brought it to light. As many of you know....weight, and the issue of weight is something that I cannot let go of. I think about it all of the time. During a discussion yesterday, it was mentioned to me that there was concern and wonder when I first starting gaining all of the weight.

You would say you were on a diet, and then sit down and eat a bag of chips...not even realizing that you are doing it. We talked about signing you up for 'What Not to Wear' because you'd wear unflattering clothes that made it worse.....

Does it hurt to hear these things?  Sure. Did I think about it for the rest of the day? Yes. At first my reaction to this was one of hurt. People always make comments when others gain weight like 'Well, do they know...' and then they wonder if they should say something. Here's my take on that...people look in the mirror every day. They know what they look like. Making changes or staying the same is 100% up to them. In my case, it was a cumulative weight gain...and I hit that peak in 2013. It took me awhile to get my shit together. Weight has been a struggle my entire life. I started really looking at my weight gain in late 2012---and the actual weight itself didn't start to come off until 2014. It took time. It's still taking time. It's going to be a forever thing for me. With this process, I carry the pain of the person I was, the actual weight of who I was, the comments, the stares, the feelings of inadequacy, the comments from people who were 'concerned' or 'meant well'.  That shit hurts. At the end of the day, I know that people only mean well---but change and the changes that people need to make are the ultimate responsibility of that one individual. Others can help to facilitate that change...but only after that person has made the conscious decision to change. 

So what do I learn? What do I let go of? I think the first thing would be the pain I carry with me. The second, would be to slowly let go of the girl who was. The third would be to accept the girl who is. The fourth would be to plan for the girl who will be. It's always good to look toward the future, it's amazing to think about the potential each and every one of us has deep inside. To think about the person we can be. Yet, often times, we need to accept, love and nourish the person we are. All the while realizing there's always something we can do to better ourselves.

So in this 9 year, I need to figure out how to move on. How to let go of all the anger I have towards myself. I need to accept what I have achieved, and set milestones for what I'd like to achieve. We all have things we'd like to change about ourselves. My aesthetic desires seem to be the main focus of everything I want to make better....but  maybe I need to figure out how to make that my main focus in a mentally healthy way.

I turn 30 this year. Turning 30 terrifies me for many reasons. Too many to really get into today. As I look to the next decade of my life, the changes I need to make, and who I want to be, I realize that I need to close the door on some things, and open the door to others.

After all.... T.S. Eliot once said:

What we call the beginning is often the end.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. 
The end is where we start from.

More blogs to come. I've been slacking on the blog game lately. Stay tuned for more info on my 9 year journey.


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