Monday, October 26, 2015

The Hourglass

Time. It's precious, and I discuss it quite often. We base our lives on time. We move through our days constantly looking at the clock. Will I be late for work?  When will this class end?  When do I finally get to go home? When I think back to my childhood, I remember I could not wait to drive. I couldn't wait to turn 21, and I surely was excited to turn 25 for that famed car insurance discount. Now I wish I could go back in time, sometimes. Just to relive the moments I think I might have missed out on.

Time isn't just something I think we should just throw or wish away. It's what we are built on. It's what we take for granted, yet it's what we cherish. It is funny to think about. Those 10 extra minutes of sleep that I covet every morning....those are 10 minutes I know I am wasting. Valuable time, just gone. Then I am typically rushing around to get out of the house on time. Regardless of the rush, I still stall as long as humanly possible just to avoid being productive. It's a shame, but maybe there's something about the physical rush that gives me mental stimulation. Really, though, let's be honest. This is me we're talking about. No mental stimulation comes from the stress of being rushed. I'm just lazy.

So what am I talking about here?  Well, honestly, I am not talking about being late for work, or even stalling to go somewhere. I am talking about time, and about how 'life's deadlines' just sort of seem to pass some of us by. Very recently, I started thinking about myself, and where my life is at now. When I first started this blog, I was very worried about being alone. More than starting over, more than finding myself. I was worried about who I would be without another person. For quite some time, I thought that being with someone was the very thing that defined who I was. I was, in all essence, very mistaken.

3 years, 2 (almost 3) weddings later, and 1.5 caught bouquet(s)....I couldn't be more wrong. Well, sort of. You see, for awhile, I didn't mind being me by myself. There's something liberating about doing your own shit, when you want to. It's also funny---especially when others are like 'Be careful here, and don't talk to someone there, and be aware of things at this place, etc...etc...'.  Well, I go everywhere by myself---and I am still alive. Impending doom hasn't caught up with me thus far, so I think we're okay. Nevertheless, attending events sort of makes you realize, that you are 'doing your own shit'....with yourself....all of the time. Every single day.

I suppose it's always been in the back of my mind...but hasn't really bothered me. It's always been a thought, like "Gee, pretty sure 3 years of being single means that I might be alone forever." has been a bust, and Tinder, while entertaining, just doesn't really do it's thing for me. I am not the kind of person to approach someone in a bar---AND have realized that I am more than overly picky when it comes to dating. It's probably a defense mechanism to be honest.

Very recently, it was brought to my attention that I was perhaps 'ruined'.  That's the way it was put. And while I don't think that it was meant to come off the way that it sounds, it did feel the way that it sounds. Ruined. Interesting term. Nevertheless, potentially true. At 28 years old, I am living my life the way I think I was supposed to at 21. Free. I think I am a little late to the party. Somehow, though, I am oddly at peace with that.

This is where the timing of my life sort of comes into play. At 28, it's clearly evident to me, that I should probably be in a different life stage. Do I want to be loved by someone else? Sure. But, at this juncture, I just feel like I want to be free. I don't want to sacrifice anything for anyone. This might be a product of past experiences, because the right person will just fit into my life without any sacrifice. It will just be. Here's the thing, I know that I am not ruined. Because even before my past, I wasn't confident enough to approach a guy in the bar just randomly. Let's be honest, I don't even like to ask grocery store attendants questions. That's just me.

I think, rather, I am stronger than I ever was. I feel that I don't have to live by any certain time standard in order to find my happiness. Rather, I think that figuring out where I am supposed to go, and what I am supposed to do is where my happiness lies. If I am 'right' with me, I can be 'right' with everything else. At this point, I just don't care. It's sad, and it's sort of counterproductive to what I am trying to achieve.

So I guess here's where I'm at. While being alone does come with it's pain, I don't want to feel forced into making something work just for the sake of being with someone. We often measure our worth through the approval of others. I'm not really about that life anymore. While you want people to accept you, and you want them to approve of the things you say and the choices you make---at the end of the day, you're the one who puts yourself into bed at night. I know that mantra seems sort of one-sided, and there have been plenty of people that I couldn't thank enough for being there when I needed them. However, I feel like living by your own standard of happy is where you really need to be. So here's to my awkward self. I'm going to keep on keepin'. I just don't really want to keep watching the sand in the hourglass anymore. It's too much. The way I see it, I'll just let time do it's thing.

We can't stop it, afterall.....


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