Janie's Got a Gun---Not Really---but it seemed like a funny title...

When I was in grade school, I had this friend.  We’re going to call her Jane. When she wanted to be, Jane was a great friend.  She was funny and had all of the coolest stuff.  We had known each other since we were little, and often had the same teachers.  We were even placed in the same ‘hall’ at Woodland.

Jane was an only child, not by choice, but by unfortunate consequence. Her elder sibling was killed in an accident.  This affected her for quite some time. The accident in question involved a motorcycle—something she was very sensitive to.  I understand this sensitivity now, but at 11 years old, it’s somewhat hard to understand what a loss can do to a person.  For example, the word motorcycle couldn’t be uttered.  Ever.  If any of you know me, you know that I grew up in a household where motorcycles pretty much were part of our everyday lives (well, when it was warm outside).  Thus, many of my conversations were surrounded by my weekend activities—which often included motorcycle rides with my dad.   That being said, I often forgot that the topic was unmentionable around her—and screwed up, repeatedly.  After awhile though, the use of the word almost seemed as if it was a reason for her to get mad at me.  A reason for her to alienate and treat me badly.

I remember a specific conversation at lunch, although I am not able to repeat it word for word, I remember sitting at the table, talking about something when I said ‘Motor—cy----cl—‘

I realized as soon as I had said it, that I had made a mistake.  Her eyes got big. With one swift move, she turned her back to me, and didn’t speak or turn around for the rest of the lunch period. She continued the time, chatting with others, while I sat at the end of the table, speaking to no one. When things like this happened, it was almost as if she got enjoyment from pretending I didn’t exist. She did interesting things, like latched on to a mutual friend that we had---and then convinced her to torment me.  They’d write mean letters and leave them in my locker.  They would sit together on the bus for a field trip, in the seat right across from me—and point and laugh. Granted, I sat with other people, I wasn’t a complete loner that didn’t have any friends at all, but they still made a point to make it known, they were trying to be mean.  In the beginning, I was very hurt.  I would apologize for no reason, I would try overly hard to be her friend.  I would be sugary sweet…because I couldn’t stand not being liked.  It was like this fiery ball at the very bottom of my stomach, extending all the way to the top of my chest.  It was there, and I hated it.  As time passed, she continued to show her character. We’d go to these Friday night dances as a group, and then she would run away from me.  It was almost like a game. The dance would end, and I would run to my dad, who stood at the bottom of the stairs in front of the school.  I would cry all the way home.

She would tell lies about me, and tell her mother that I was a bad person.  So we’d be called into these peer mediation meetings, where I would pretty much get harped on the entire time.  I’m not sure when it happened, but something finally just snapped inside me…where I realized I didn’t want to her friend anymore…and that she was a terrible, mean little girl. So I lost it in one of these meetings---and told them, in a very polite, 11 year old way, that Jane was full of bullshit.

We eventually parted ways, and didn't speak to each other any longer. In 7th grade she moved away. Before she left, everyone wrote her a message in a card. I wrote: "I'm sorry we couldn't be friends, wish you the best of luck in the future."  The years went on, and high school came and went.  When Facebook became popular, she friend requested me one day. I accepted.  There was some communication back and forth---and then, one day, she just unfriended me.  Which really didn't upset me much.  It just confirmed that Jane was, who I always knew she was: A Psycho.

This is where I'm going to end this story----

You're probably wondering where this is going, and for a moment there, I did too.  Afterall, I have been writing this blog for like a week now.  Mostly because I am not sure how to say what I want to say.  So stay tuned.....

Hint for the second chapter of this blog...

Personal Character---and maintaining relationships with others.

A.

  

2013: A Year in Review

We are who we are for a reason. This is a simple truth. Each of us are intricately shaped to be the person we currently are. Sometimes, we are hard-wired to act or behave in a certain manner---while other times we've had experiences that affect our state of being, and ultimately who we are today.

It's funny how people change in life.  This is something I have definitely referenced before.  Things change us, life changes us---and we just sort of go along with it.  That's part of what makes us human. Sometimes, we fully embrace the change, and other times we fight it tooth and nail in order to maintain what we currently have going for us.  I used to be that person....because change scared me a great deal.  However, if there's one thing I've learned this year, it's one simple fact of life:

Sometimes, you can't fight change.  

Change is inevitable, and that is what makes this world really beautiful and really ugly all at once.  As I sit here, thinking about what I am going to say about 2013 in its entirety---I am sort of at a loss for words.

**Shocking, I know**

Here's the way I'd like to look at it.  Someone very wise told me, that life itself is like a road---and we're just driving down that road. In a car, there are many ways that you can see what's going on around you---but one of the most interesting and crucial pieces of equipment in the car is, in fact, the rear view mirror.  Yet, what happens if you keep looking back in the rear view mirror? You fail to see everything that is right in front of you---and you fail to see what's ahead.  It's valuable to occasionally glance back at where you're going---but you must always focus on the windshield.

This past year (and even now sometimes) I have spent so much time looking back.  For me, the gift of a good memory seems to have been both a blessing and a curse all at once. Yet, the past is the past, and that's where it should stay.  I've learned so many valuable lessons, however, and have gained so much by evaluating the past.  Which, at times can be both a melancholy and taxing process. So, in the spirit of going through all of the bad this year (which is something I normally focus on), I would like share all of the valuable things I have learned.....

More BULLETS! YAY!!!!

• Creating positive habits, isn't as hard as I anticipated---especially when you begin to reap the benefits of the positive habits created.
• Love is a funny thing, and it comes in many forms.  Just because you don't have romantic love in your life, doesn't mean you're unloved.  It means you have probably the most honest and unfaltering love known to man.  
• Some friendships come and go. You might even waver from one group of friends to another--then back again.  Friends who can accept and love you--even when you're at your lowest point--are the best you can ever have. 
• Even if you haven't lost someone in your life, there is always, always someone looking out for you.  You might not believe it--but too much as happened in this world for me not to believe it.
• YOU have the power to make your own success. It all depends on how badly you want it.
• No matter how annoyed you get at your parents sometimes, love and cherish them.  They just might be your saving grace.
• As hard as it is, and as badly as you don't want to---always try to see life from an optimistic perspective.  The more negativity you project, the more negative infests your life.  Believe me, this is something I still work on.  Glass. Half. FULL.
• Love yourself. Even if you can't see the beauty in you, someone else sure as hell does.  If you don't, people will stop telling you---because what's the point?  They know you won't believe it anyway. 
• Do what you love, and love what you do.  If you don't, chances are that you're likely going to suffer from apathy. Apathy creates carelessness, and carelessness just causes you to suck. Period.
• Before you say or do something, before you make a big decision----always look in the mirror.  If you can't even look yourself in the eyes--chances are, you're about to make an asshole decision.  If you can live with being an asshole, that's peachy.  Good for you. It might be entertaining for those around you, who know you, and can call you an asshole.  However, if you can't deal with being an asshole, perhaps you should re-think your actions or even your delivery method. 
• Assholes are okay with making asshole decisions.  You see, in their mind they're right.  These people are often self-motivated adult-children.    
• People are going to think what they want to think about you.  There's no doubt about it.  Since this is true--at least make them jealous of how awesome you are.
• If you show people your strength, it's the sexiest thing in the world. I'm slowly learning (not that I am sexy), that confidence means everything.  It will help to guide you along the road to greatness....even if deep down inside you're a bit unsure of yourself.  Make em' look twice!

So there you have it, ladies and gents.  13 sentiments for 2013.  There's been good and bad this year, but hey--what's life without both the good and the bad?  I've learned so much about myself and others, and in that sense I've grown into a completely different person.  A better one, I think.  However, I don't feel as though that's for me to judge. 

There's so much I want to do for 2014---and I don't want to set myself up for disappointment, so I am not sure I am going to share them here yet.You might get bits and pieces of my desires for this year through my blogs.  I mean, hey, I don't want to spoil the fun for all of you readers!   In all seriousness, though, I wish everyone reading a happy, healthy and prosperous 2014.

That's what I'm planning for....

A.

Little White Lies

This will be the last I write of this specific situation.  I'll close the chapter after this.

About an hour ago, I was informed that He Who Must Not Be Named is now engaged to the woman that he started dating 2 months after he broke my heart.

Good. 

My reaction?  First I said some really inappropriate, really mean things that I won't repeat.  Then? Well, I stood in the shower for about 20 minutes and cried. I'm now sitting here---and after a few deep breaths, I'm okay.  Man, it stings, but I am okay.  As I've been told---everyone has to get their heart broken at least once in life.  It's something we all have to endure.  Maybe some people are lucky....maybe they don't have to get their heart(s) broken.  Either way, when mine was broken, it was based on the fact that the specific person involved didn't want to get married, and didn't want to have children.

I guess we all tell little white lies every once and a while.

I've got this.  I'll run a little faster tomorrow---and my skin will be a little bit thicker---because I deserve so much more than little white lies.

A.

 

There's Always a Story Behind the Picture.....

Life is a funny thing. We age, we grow and we change. These changes are often coined by our parents as ‘phases’—which is an easier way for them to explain and tolerate all of the weird things their kids end up doing. For example, when I was 8 or 9, my best friend Amy and I were convinced that we had super powers. We'd spend our days trying to convince each other that we made our teacher's strand of hair stand up when she was talking to the class. At this time, we also believed that we were given these special powers in order to defeat an evil man named Kahn (perhaps we watched too much Star Trek). Lastly, we often stared into this iridescent ring that Amy had---and chanted 'Show us Kahn.' Throughout the years we spent our time honing our powers, creating a two man band and writing one hit wonders such as 'Forever Friends' and 'Why Do You Love Me' (which oddly enough sounded exactly like 'That Thing You Do!'). Probably one of the oddest things we did was go 'bird watching' which consisted of walking around with binoculars, looking around, sometimes focusing in people's windows and making notes about our neighbors.



*I hope Amy doesn't care that I'm telling everyone about our philarious childhood antics**



These phases make me laugh when I think back on them now---and I am so glad I have these memories. Throughout my lifetime, I feel like I've worn so many faces: Dancer, Speech Team Member and Drama Queen. In the last weeks of my Senior Year of High School, I sort of morphed into someone else. I became someone to lean on, a jack of all trades, in all places at once, dependable. Infallible. Selfless. I cared about two people in my life, and all I wanted was to take their pain away. A pain caused by a sudden and tragic accident. The day that changed me forever.

 

This isn't about that, though. This is about my metamorphosis into someone I consider to be very interesting.  Interesting, yet very complicated. When I look at me now, I see a very different person than the girl who graduated from Warren Township High School.  I’m a bit meaner, more selfish, a bit scarred and leery of people.  I don’t really like giving second chances, and I feel like I’m always calling bullshit on people---even when they might be telling the truth.  I’m still the same girl that loves with her whole heart---and truly does feel for the people she cares for.  I still let people take advantage of me, for fear that they might become angry or upset if I don’t cater to their need(s). Dealing with someone being mad at me is way worse than inconveniencing myself for them.  I’m still a thinker—and mostly reserved but wildly inappropriate at times.  I laugh at stupid things—and am overly sarcastic.  I wash my hands perhaps too many times a day.  I’m me. Trying to smile about 85% if the time and then wearing my thinking face for the other 15% of the time.

 

Yet, beneath the smile, and the thinking face—are very complicated thoughts.  Most of them these days are about the way I look. I recently read the blog of a girl who made massive life changes in order to become the person that she wanted to be.  She struggled with weight loss for her entire life, and then finally made the choice to become that healthy person she always wanted to be.  I feel like for the past 10 years, I’ve been on a constant mission to change the way I look.  I didn’t always do it the right way, either.  It’s hard for me to admit it, and admit it to the people who I know read this.  I went from being an average person in my freshman year of college—to weighing over 70lbs more than that 6 years later. How does it happen, and what drives us to make those certain decisions that you’ll regret over time?  See, for me, weight gain has been a way that I’ve slowly destroyed myself---and it’s angering to think that I just let it all go.  Without a care in the world…I ate my way to 70lbs of misery. 

 

Since my life was turned upside down last year, I made it my mission early on to try and change the things I didn’t like about myself.  After everything occurred, I blamed myself for most of it.  I blamed the weight gain.  I blamed my attitude towards the weight gain, always saying I was going to lose it, and make different choices…but never following through.  You see, I’ve got a problem, with staying on track.  When the spring came, it’s like something clicked deep inside of that brain of mine.  I started going out with friends more—and I was slowly starting to see that in the group of people I was hanging out with, I was always standing the in back trying to hide what I saw to be ugliness.  Never feeling pretty---always just feeling what I knew I was: fat.

So I slowly started making the change.  I started by going to the gym at least three times a week.  Man, it was tough to get started.  I would find every single excuse in the book not to go.  I was going, but I wasn’t really pushing myself as hard as I knew I could.  I didn’t want to be tired, I didn’t want to be sweaty, I didn’t want to exert myself.  Time went on, and I knew deep down inside, that if I didn’t truly commit to the changes I was trying to make—then nothing was going to change.  Ever.  So I started going more frequently.  1-3 days turned in 1-4 days and then 3-5 days…and then eventually 5-6 days.  I started getting faster, on the elliptical, and I could actually run.  I could actually run.  I went from an 11 minute mile (on the elliptical----don’t judge) to a 7:25 mile.  I saw progress, yet things didn’t seem to physically change.  Until I started making some healthier food choices.  I finally got the courage to get on the scale last month, and found that I had lost 10lbs.  I’m officially at 12.8lbs since August.  I couldn’t feel more on top of the world.  I was finally doing something for me.  My pants feel loser, people are telling me I look like I am losing weight, and I am getting a sense of confidence.

 

Yet, I feel as though there is something holding me back from enjoying it.  It’s my brain.  My mindset.  I feel like one of those people in that credit score commercial where they walk around with a number over their head. I still have 62.2lbs to lose.  I don’t think I am going to be fully happy until I can lose it.  It’s a slow process, this is something I understand---but don’t want to accept.  It’s a lot harder to shed the pounds than put them on.  It’s become an obsession---something I think about all of the time. Someone very close to me told me on Wednesday, that my journey shouldn’t be a burden in the sense that this obsession should not hold me back from what I am trying to achieve.  I should be proud, and I should relish in the fact that I actually, for one time in my life, enjoy going to the gym. 

So this is where I’m at.  I seem to have been in a lot of places these past 54 blogs, haven’t I?  I now need to teach myself how to embrace this phase—and hope that it’s not just that.  This is one of those situations where goals are good---but I shouldn’t be an absolute slave to them.  I know who I am, and who I want to become.  That’s all that needs to matter.  At the end of the day, the things I have accomplished should not be overshadowed by the ideal picture I have swimming around in my head somewhere.   

No matter how perfect a picture looks, there’s always a story behind how it got to be that way. I guess I am writing my own. 

 

A.

 

PS—

To those of you that have supported me on this weight-loss journey….you mean more to me than you’ll ever know.   

Alex & the 'Fortune Teller'

Over the summer, I went to a fortune teller at the Bristol Renaissance Faire.  Firstly, I’d like to say I have always been a bit leery of this kind of pageantry.  Secondly, as an educated human being, I would also like to say that perhaps the odds of these individuals being legitimate in an environment such as the Renaissance Faire are slim.  Nevertheless, a week after my birthday, I was feeling like I needed some kind of indication as to what was in store for me. So I took a risk.  All day long I told my friends “Guys, I want to see the Palm Reader/Tarot Card Reader/Fortune Teller.”    

I paid $20.00.  I got ripped off.  I waited for 20 minutes until 1 of the 2 ‘Fortune Tellers’  beckoned me to come over.  So she set out all of these cards, and started talking:

First Card:

FT: “Are you engaged?”

Me: “No.”

FT: “Were you engaged?”

Me: “No.”

So immediately we can see that this is going nowhere. 

I am not even certain where she was going with it, because she sort of dismissed the card after I answered both of those questions. 

Next Card:

FT: “Do you have a brother?”

Me: “No.”

FT: “Oh……well do you have a sister that is sort of a Tom Boy?”

Me: “Well, not really.  I mean she likes cars and motorcycles…but owns more pairs of shoes than I do…”

FT: “I see, well she is going to try and make her finances right in the world.  She will take on new endeavors that will allow her to make some money.”

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ……

**Fortune Teller looks to her right, picks up her cell phone, and begins to text.**

So, at this point, I have heard my sister’s fortune—and the fortune teller is now texting.  Great.  So she ends abruptly, because she so isn’t in to this.  No palm reading. Nothing.

FT: “How was your first ‘fortune telling’ experience?

Me:….pause….sigh…”Well, ummm, I guess what I am wondering is, if I am going to be alone forever.”

The fortune teller takes her cards back out and sort of swishes them around.  She flips through them, and pulls one out. I can’t remember what the image on it was.

FT: “You will find a man again, but he won’t be ‘the one.’” (that’s great news…………….)

With that, I get up thank her, and walk away confused.

So there you have it. One week after my 26^th birthday, as I continued to feel the pressures of time—I desperately paid money to a fake fortune teller in the hopes that my future will be revealed.  I mean, really it was all in good fun for the most part.  However, as I was rapidly approaching a year of being single, and the people around me continued to get married, engaged and have babies---I began to feel the clock ticking away.

Time. It's our best friend and worst enemy. From the moment we wake up in the morning until the moment we shut our eyes---our lives are controlled by schedules, alarms and calendar events. Reminders that each moment we experience.....is just as I referred to it: a moment. Time lives by its own rules, and it waits for no man. Whether you like it or not, each day passes with the expectation/obvious fact that every human ages, lives a life and then passes.  These are the harsh realities of being human. We live and then we die. 

I don’t want to focus on that, though.  Although living and dying is part of life; the way in which you play out those fleeting moments is really what makes the life you live. We’re all pressed for time in some way or another.  Lately, I’ve kind of been watching the world go on around me.  It’s like one of those movie scenes, where the camera cuts to the main character standing in a busy street or on a crowded side walk.  The character isn’t moving, but the rest of society hustles and bustles around that person. The person observes, and watches as time passes.  Through these observations I have realized and noticed a few things:

·         Society often creates schedules and timelines for people to adhere to.  Although, I think I am fortunate enough to live in a society that really doesn’t enforce the timelines.  Don’t rush life.  The good and the bad will happen when they’re meant to happen.  That’s just the way the universe works.

·         When you want something to come to you quickly---it takes forever.  Then, just as soon as it was there, it’s gone.

·         Embrace the things that took forever to get to you.

·         Make your own schedule(s)….but don’t LIVE by them 100%.  Understand that there has to be give and take when it comes to time.

·         If you spend your entire life looking at the watch, or the calendar, you might miss something truly fabulous.

·         In the infamous words of 38 Special: Hold on loosely, but don’t let it go….if you cling too tightly…you’re gonna lose control.

I know what you’re thinking….more bulleted pieces of wisdom. I guess I was inspired by the personal pressures I was putting on myself to live up to what everyone else is doing.  After feeling pretty down about it for a day, I realized that perhaps it just isn’t the right time.  Not sure when it will be, or if it ever will be.  These are questions that I cannot answer.  I thought that maybe my future could be seen through the eyes of someone else. Then I remembered something.  The future isn’t meant to be seen.  It’s there for a reason.  If we knew the future, then we could try to change the outcome of what our path is meant to be.  Tempting fate is a very dangerous business.  So, I tempt the now, attempting to do whatever it is I see fit in order to make myself happy. Being selfish feels kind of good.  Perhaps doing so will open my eyes to the person I am and the person I want to strive to be.

Alex's Adventures in Online Dating, Part II: A Cautionary Tale

Online dating.  You see commercials on television for it all of the time.  The commercials make it look ultra appealing and super easy (like commercials often do with everything).  Match.com boasts that it’s #1 in online dating marriages.  eHarmony claims that it has this magical formula/method that will match you with the perfect person. You’ll meet your soul mate, and life will be happy, and you’ll skip off down the yellow brick road to a life full of love, contentment and rainbows.

Okay, the online dating companies don’t claim the last half of (that previous) statement in their commercials. Yes, I’m extremely cold—and perhaps even cynical.  That doesn’t even matter, and that’s not what we’re here to talk about.  However, I have to mention these feelings because it relates to the rest of my story. 

So, as some of you may or may not know, I decided (2 months after the break-up) that I would try online dating.  I wasn’t ready for it, and probably had no business doing it, but put myself out there because it seemed like a good idea at the time.  So, I signed up for both match.com and eHarmony.  About 2 months into each, I’d had 2 dates—both of which were interesting to say the least.  The first date, included a guy who literally discussed his love of popcorn for 30 minutes. The second date, I already discussed here, after it happened.  I had a third date, which my dear friend likes to make fun of me for all of the time.  It turns out date number 3 had the entire Clint Eastwood movie collection and took pictures of trains for fun.  I don’t consider myself a good person for making fun of those things, and hey, he had a hobby—but just wasn’t for me.  Well, needless to say, about 4 months in to eHarmony, I cut that cord.  Last month, I took myself off of match.com. 

Now, I am going to throw this out there.  To me, online dating is somewhat worse than high school.  It’s a big popularity contest.  On the site, they ask you to share pictures, so that your suitors can see what you look like.  You get your typical ‘selfies’ shared, along with some other interesting photos.  However, it is human nature to look at the person’s pictures before you even read their profile.  It’s shallow, but we all do it.  Myself included.  There’s a downside to all of this.  You can see who has looked at your profile.  It’s disheartening sometimes, as you know that there’s a reason why they chose to move on.  Especially if your ‘About Me’ section isn’t too fully developed.  It would be naïve to think that they moved on because they didn’t really like what you had to say.  Here is the point where you can tell me that ‘it’s all in my head’ and I have ‘no self confidence’. Yet, this is my theory—and I am sticking to it.  Needless to say, I became sort of disenchanted by the whole thing, and decided that I didn’t really want to, or care to participate in online dating for now.  So I ended things.  I broke up with match.com. 

Okay, onto the story.

Back in December, I seemed to get a great deal of hits on my site.  Not sure if it was that standard ‘have to have someone to bring home to mom and dad around the holidays’ or if I was really smokin’ at that time (hahahahaha).  Either way, I talked to a few people, all of which seemed decent.  However, none of the discussions really went anywhere.  There was this one military guy that seemed really nice, but after awhile he just stopped talking to me.  That was interesting.  Anyway, around Christmas, I got this message from a guy—and we started messaging back and forth. 

**DISCLAIMER**

At this time, I was probably at my lowest point.  I didn’t think with my brain, I thought with my heart.  Everything was ruled by emotion—and nothing by logic.  I was also unrealistically and irrationally desperate.  Please don’t judge me.

 

Back to the story.

So—after exchanging like 2-3 match.com messages, he asked for my phone number so that we could text.  Thinking it might be easier.  From what I remember we talked for a few days.  He must not have been too impressive, because I honestly don’t remember what we talked about.  I don’t remember anything about him, really.  I remember he asked to see pictures (no, not dirty ones, get your mind out of the gutter).  So I sent him some pictures from Facebook or something.  I feel like I remember he was somewhat of a jerk—but who knows.   Either way, I must not have been too sorry when we stopped talking.

Last week, I am at work, and I get a text from a number that I don’t have stored in my phone, and I don’t recognize.  We will henceforth refer to unknown texter (soon to be creepy person) as CG for ‘Creepy Guy’. 

CG: Hey how is your day going?

Me: Who is this?

CG: Alex, this is (will not reference name so I will call him CG)

So at this point, I am trying to jog my memory as to who this person is.  If this were an in-person conversation, it would be one of those moments where you awkwardly pretend to remember the person that remembers you.

Me: Ohhh, hey.  How’s it going?

To shorten things up here, the conversation ensues. But then, things start to get weird. 

**DISCLAIMER #2**

I am 26 years old, therefore an adult. Please remember this as you read.

So he asks me if I have a boyfriend. No.  He asks me if I am seeing anyone/dating. No. 

Last Friday, he asks me if I want to get together.  No, he doesn’t ask if I want to grab dinner, or go have a drink, or venture off to Starbucks.  Nope.  He asks me if I want to come over.

I tell him that I am super busy all weekend, and that I already have plans with friends all weekend. He tells me to ditch them.  I tell him in a nice way to fuck off. 

So I go about my Friday, and enjoy my time with friends.

Saturday comes, he texts me late in the afternoon, asking what I am up to.  I tell him I am going to my sister’s for her birthday, and to the gym and to a family reunion.  Later that night he texts me asking how the party is going.  I don’t answer.

Sunday comes, he texts me asking how my day is going.  I don’t answer.

Monday comes, he says good morning, I say “hey”.

Big mistake.

I decided that I would see if perhaps he’d be like a normal human being.  Maybe tell me something about himself. 

Nope, I tell him that my day is going well, and then he asks again ‘When are you coming over?’

So, I tell him the following:

“I don’t know you, if we were to meet, I would want to meet in a public place.”

The conversation sort of ends there.

So Tuesday, and Wednesday morning—he texts me.  I don’t really say much, or anything to really keep the conversation going.

He does ask me if I have plans on Wednesday night.  I say:

‘Yep, going to the gym—and then watching American Horror Story with my sisters.” He asks me when we’re getting together.  I say “Don’t know.” The conversation ends there. 

Yesterday he texted me in the morning, like clockwork:

CG: Good Morning!

Me: Hey.

I don’t say much of anything, really.  Other than, yep—on my way to work.  He asks again: ‘When are you coming over.’  This is where I sort of lose my shit:

Me: Listen.  I don’t know you, I don’t know anything about you.  Don’t even remember what you look like.  I don’t know where you’re from, if you work, if you like sports, if you have hobbies.  Haven’t you ever seen Cold Case?  Where the girl(s) go to meet up with a guy that they met online…and they never come home.  I don’t know you.  If we were to meet up—it would be in a public place where I want it to be.’

CG: It’s no big deal, I won’t bite. You will find out all of those things when you come over, sound good? J

I stop answering.  It’s gotten to the point now, where I’ve let it go too far.  Deep down inside, I didn’t want to talk to this person.  But thought, ‘Hey---maybe he’s just like trying to get to know me.’

I know what you’re all thinking ‘Dear God, how much did you let him get to know you?’ Well, he doesn’t know much about me at all.  Other than I have a dog, I go to the gym and I am always busy.  I knew things were off when he was asking me to come over.  We all know why. Let’s be adults.  I’ll tell you straight up, I am not that kind of person. 

Now that we’ve settled that, let’s get on with my story.

So I didn’t answer him after the conversation above.  Yesterday evening when I am on my way to the gym he texts me:

CG: Hey Alex

I don’t answer.

After the Bears game at about 10:15pm last night:

CG: Hey there miss quiet----

I don’t answer.

This morning:

Good Morning, Beautiful

I don’t answer.  Firstly, get the point dude.  You’re a creeper.  Secondly, don’t call me beautiful.  I don’t know you, I don’t want to know you, and I don’t want to end up in your crawlspace or on your mantle--so leave me alone.

Well, it’s 2:25pm, and there have been no texts.  I don’t ever plan on speaking to this person again.  I don’t know why I carried a conversation in the first place. Call me stupid, tell me I should know better—but honestly, I didn’t start to get really creeped out until yesterday.  Although, I should have known something was off when he didn’t ever offer information up about himself. 

So let this be a lesson to those of you considering online dating.  Although I am fairly certain that 85% of my readers are either married or dating.  Creepers are out there, and the Ted Bundy’s of the world do exist.  Not that this guy is Ted Bundy, but he sure was acting like it.

So, in conclusion----

This morning, when I was showering, I was replaying the creepiness in my head.  I then had an epiphany, like most do (when they’re washing their hair): I don’t want a relationship. I’ve spent all this time worrying about being alone, and asking myself what I will do if I don’t find anyone. It’s been top of mind for a year now.  One year. Honestly, I could give a shit less right now.  I am so busy living life, and trying to have fun—that I don’t have the time to worry about it.  I think, needless to say, I am finally becoming okay with me.  Well, I am certainly in the process of becoming okay with me.  Me, myself and I---we have a long road ahead of us.  I am so immersed in working out, and being a good friend, daughter, employee and sister—that I don’t have the time to worry about being alone.  Honestly, I don’t want to make the time to worry about being alone.    

I’ll admit, there’s a wall up right now, and it’s somewhat reminiscent of the Great Wall of China, or the locks in Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan.  No one’s getting through this barrier until I open the gates.  It’s going to be that way for awhile, and people are just going to have to deal with it.

Until then, I’ll continue on this path.  Minus the creepers. 

 

A.     

Flipping the Switch

It’s been about 2 weeks since my last blog.  Sorry to say, Season 4 of The Vampire Diaries arrived at my doorstep last Tuesday, and it’s been a non-stop Vampire Diaries marathon.  Sadly, I finished the last episode Wednesday night.  Now it’s back to watching movies that I have already seen on Netflix. Even so, it’s my recent TV-watching stint that has inspired what you’re about to read. 

So yes, I have been watching The Vampire Diaries. Embarrassing?  Maybe.  Guilty pleasure?  Definitely.  Anyway, the show follows the teenager Elena Gilbert, as she lives what turns out to be a not-so-ordinary life.  The plot includes vampires, witches, werewolves and hybrids.  Basically, Elena and her vampire B.F.F’s/loves run around their town (Mystic Falls) trying to combat whatever kind of supernatural chaos comes their way.  Now, I can’t go into detail about what happened last season, because one of my reader’s is not caught up.  So, I’ll keep it pretty aloof…while getting my point across. 

Humanity.  We all have it.  Well, hopefully most of us do.  There are three different meanings to the word ‘Humanity’. 

Humanity

Noun

1.       the human race; human beings collectively.

2.       humaneness; benevolence.

3.       learning or literature concerned with human culture, esp. literature, history, art, music, and philosophy.

So why discuss it?  Well, I could go on another random tangent.  However, my sister once told me after reading my blogs that I just need to get to the point.  So, I guess that is what I will do.

I choose to discuss humanity, because I believe it to be at the core of every human (for the most part—unless you are a sociopath).  To be humane, means to have or show compassion or benevolence. There was a time, when I believed in humanity.  Wait, let’s back up.  Let me preface this with a statement:

--No, this is not a blog criticizing our society and the current state of humanity in general.  I don’t have the energy to address that elephant in the room.

Rather, this is a blog about human emotion in general.  I cringe when I write this next statement (because I am not quite ready to even be ‘this person’ again). It’s a blog about feelings. Gross, I said it.  Feelings.  Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way, I can tie it back into The Vampire Diaries.  Here we go. 

So, in the show, vampires obviously have a choice as to how they can feed.  They can drink out of blood bags, or hunt animals---or they can drink right from the vein of a human.  Usually, drinking out of the vein of a human doesn’t end well for the human (as you can imagine).  Nevertheless, sometimes, in doing so, a vampire can set off a very innate characteristic within.  They can become the hunters that they were created and doomed to be.  As a consequence, humans die.  It’s like a lion or some other kind of predatory creature out in the wild---they will do what they have to do in order to feed themselves.  In the show, vampires are no different.  However, there are two things about vampires (in the show) that we really come to understand. 

1.       Some of the vampires in the show have a regard for human life.

2.       Others have no humanity at all. 

In the show, a vampire has the capability and the choice to shut their humanity off.  They call it ‘flipping the humanity switch’.  In doing so, they feel nothing.  No emotion whatsoever.  They care about no one, and they do as they please.  When the humanity switch has been flipped—nothing stops them from getting what they want, when they want, how they want.  The switch often comes as a result of some traumatic experience or extreme emotional pain.

Pause.  Okay, reading this back, I sound like one of those vampire nerd, freakish weird fake research people.  I am not that person.  I’ve just spent the past 2 weeks watching a show about vampires.  These are just thoughts that correlate somehow with my own life.  We’ll come to that later. 

After watching this show for about a week, I began to think about the implications behind this ‘switch’ and what it would mean for all of us-----should it be a real thing.  If you think about it, there are sociopaths out there who don’t have an ounce of humanity within them.  Those are bad people.  Sick people, but bad people nevertheless.  If we were to take those people out of the equation, what would it mean for the rest of us?  Would it mean that we quite possibly would have the capability to push pain away from us?  I’m not talking about physical pain.  That, I think I can deal with.  I’m talking about emotional pain. 

Okay, I know what you’re thinking: So Melodramatic. Well, I’ll preface this by saying I am the best I have been in months.  Even so, I am a human being—and human beings have feelings.  As we move into better places, we find ways to cope with pain that we might have experienced in the past.  I’ve done that by first, going numb—which wasn’t the best of situations. Everything that I was once feeling waited for me when I was done being numb.  Then I went to feeling everything.  Now I am sort of at a precipice. I know what I need to do in order to keep moving forward, but my foot is afraid to jump across the cliff (no, this isn’t the Grand Canyon, it’s more like a hop, skip and a jump to the other side).  You see, I thought shutting it all off would be the best solution to my problems.  However, much like the characters in the Vampire Diaries, when you shut it off—it’s just waiting for you when you decide to flip the switch back on.

I am not going to lie—I’ve been pretty cold about a lot. I do it because it prevents me from having feelings about many things.  Some of those things include, relationships, new chapters in lives (etc.).  So much of that is driven by jealousy, and that’s terrible.  I can admit it, and know that, like I have said in the past, Jealousy is an ugly thing—and unfortunately we all fall victim to it.

So, let me tell you how I know my humanity is turning back on. Last night, I decided to take the plunge and watch Love Actually.  It’s on Netflix, and it’s a classic.  The story follows various people experiencing different elements of love. So, last night, as I was watching this film—something strange happened:

So there’s this character, Sarah, who spends her days pining after a gentleman at her work, Karl.  Everyone knows that she is in love with Karl, even Karl knows she’s in love with Karl.  During the Christmas party, Karl asks her to dance.  When they actually get to the dance floor, the song transitions into a slow-romantic-type dance song.  They awkwardly stand there, until they decide that they’re actually going to dance.  As she dances with Karl, she starts to smile.  She smiles because she feels special, she feels like everything she’s dreamed about is coming true—and she smiles because she can see and know that things that happen in the movies, can happen to real people.  Now, I am not certain that is what she’s thinking, but I do know that this specific scenario is very real. 

Normally, during a scene like this I will typically roll my eyes, make a disgusted face, or have no emotion at all.  Last night, I actually found myself smiling.  Smiling because, I know that at one time I did feel that—and I know that, someday—there might be hope for me to feel that again.  Hope, that someday—a prince charming will be out there.

My horoscope told me the following today:

You have mapped out a plan that you are certain will bring you the success you have been longing for in a certain area of life. Maybe it’s your love life, or your financial life, or your creative life.  Like a typical Leo, you have probably strategized your goal right down to the last detail.  But you need to toss your plans to the wind.  You need to let go of any kind of rigid rule book and just let intuition wash over you.  It is good to have a plan, but it is better to be open to the fact that a plan’s not always what’s called for.

So there you have it.  I mean, that horoscope could be referencing MANY aspects of my life right now.  It just reaffirms what I said in my last blog…about flying by the seat of your pants.  I guess what I am trying to say is this:

I’ve let go of a great deal, and I STILL hold on to a great deal.  Turning off the emotions sort of put me in a strange place.  I think as I continue to walk the roads of life, things are changing, and I am changing too.  Change is the catalyst to everything.  Tis’ what makes the world go round.  I’m just along for the ride—which I suppose could be really shitty, or really cool along the way.  Regardless of that, I’m just going to keep on running. 

 

A.