29.

In today’s world, it’s sometimes hard to forget that we’re all one thing: human (Unless you’re not, and you’re some other type of being---but hey---this is the track I’m on right now). Human. It’s so weird to think about, because humans in their nature are extremely complex. Think of it this way, when you picture a shark, you mostly know what a shark does. Sharks, in their very nature are of course, well, sharks. They troll the ocean, will pretty much eat anything, and if given the opportunity, will do so. I’m not the kind of person that desires to swim with sharks, or any other sea creature really. Nevertheless, if an animal, reptile, fish, etc. is in the wild, we mostly likely have a good idea of what that creature is capable of.

 
Humans are not this way. We are all inhabiting this Earth together, but each of our stories are different. Like an intricately woven textile in a Victorian era home. The textiles of our lives are all original, one-of-a-kind works of art. I like to think of each and every person in my life as a walking novel. Each piece of their story combining with mine to create an anthology of sorts, I suppose.  


You’re probably wondering why I’m rambling about sharks and humans and textiles and novels. I suppose, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about myself as a human, and who I am in this very state today. As per the usual, with my 29^th birthday rapidly approaching---I like to stop and reflect upon my own human nature.

 
For the past few weeks, I’ve been attempting to take a life poll. I ask the same question to various people: “If you had to explain or describe me to someone, what would you say?”

Here are some of the answers I’ve gotten. Some very honest, which I appreciate. Some quite comical (since I also polled a 7 year old):

·         Humorous

·         Uptight

·         Witty

·         Fiercely loyal

·         Thoughtful

·         Generous

·         Judgmental

·         Strong

·         Goofy

·         Cold at times

·         Apprehensive

·         Don’t be mean to Alex, or she’ll punch you in the face (...laughing as I type this)

I’m sure there’s more—but I am drawing a blank. Some of this is raw. When you hear something negative about yourself, your first inclination is to vehemently deny it. That’s what I did. It’s hard to hear that you’re judgmental and uptight. BUT—when I really reflected…when I really took all of these comments into consideration, I realized that I am all of these things. For sure. As with any person, there are things about me that I don’t like. That I would prefer to change. But our flaws help to make us who we are.  Each person in this world possesses both good and bad traits. Nevertheless, it’s important to remember that neither these good or bad traits define us. I’d like to think they bring us balance and make us whole. As long as you don’t let one shine more than the other…..


So here’s the question that’s been running through my mind over and over for the past month or so:


What are you going to do to end your 20’s in a positive and meaningful way? 


And so…I’ve decided to make 29 affirmations, for my 29^th year of life. I guess, also, some of these are words of wisdom for my brain. More so than affirmations. Nevertheless, I write these thoughts down, with the promise that I will try to embrace and remember all of them in one way or another…..

1.       I will try to live my life in the sunshine---rather than the cloudiness. Life is all about balance. After all, it’s so much easier to appreciate the beautiful days after the not-so-nice days.

2.      A very important, very wise person in my life always tells me ‘You create with your thoughts’ (or at least…I think that’s the jest of it). Either way, I’m starting to believe that this is very much the truth. I guess, I better start creating.

3.      Dreaming isn’t meaningless, nor does it waste time. Sometimes our dreams a really big—and that’s okay. It’s okay to dream---even when you’re very much a realist.

4.      Ignoring problems does not make them go away. Ignoring feelings, doesn’t make them any less apparent. When you do this, those feelings or problems come back in full force, and those situations are magnified.

5.      Be diligent in working towards what you want. There’s always tomorrow, yes. However, how many times can a person say ‘Tomorrow’?  If you want something, you are the only person that can make that happen.

6.      To build off of that, be willing to make sacrifices in order for those things to happen. The Titanic wasn’t built in a day---and it wasn’t easy to build. After all that hard work, it turned out to be more beautiful than anyone could ever imagine. There’s always, always beauty in the hard work that’s been put in to building something.

7.      Embrace your sacrifices, and don’t let them make you bitter. Everyone has to make them once in a while.

8.      You are where you are for a reason. No matter how much you try to plan your life, there’s always an unexpected factor there. That mystery, the unknown really scares some—and I know I am scared to death of it. Mostly because I love control. But I have to let go…because sometimes letting go allows some of the most amazing things to happen in your life.

9.      Relax. Not even in a like, sit in a hammock and read a book way. Like, in a ‘relax, all of this anxiety you create over stupid things can’t be good for your health, way’. So just let the chips fall where they may.

10.   Things are never as bad as you think they might be---and if they are, then deal with them accordingly.

11.    People say there is such a thing as being ‘too nice’. I tend to agree, sometimes. However, I truly believe that paying it forward creates good karma. I just have to learn, also, that saying ‘no’ isn’t a bad thing.

12.   It’s okay to say ‘no’ when you don’t want to do something. Even if someone gets upset, why cause yourself the anxiety of doing something you don’t want to do?

13.   Stop overthinking. There are consequences for all actions, yes. However, you act a certain way, and say certain things at certain times because in that moment, you thought it was right. It doesn’t necessarily make that behavior right. This life is all about learning, and so, you can regret things---but the more you overthink them—the more pain you cause yourself. Do what is right in your heart. If there’s an aftermath, use it as an opportunity to learn.

14.   Open your heart. In more ways than one.

15.   Give people a chance.

16.   Courage is everything. Get some this year, okay? ;)

17.   Embrace those closest to you when you’re not feeling ‘yourself’.  The more you push them away, the worse off you are.

18.   Work towards the things you want to accomplish. Yeah, something always ‘comes up’ but stick to your plan.

19.   Stop procrastinating all of the damn time.

20.  When someone says something you don’t like, tell them. It doesn’t mean you have to be confrontational about it---just be comfortable speaking your mind.

21.   Slow down every once in a while. Sometimes, it’s okay to just sit and be home.

22.  Even though you need to speak your mind, try to be thoughtful when doing so.

23.  Embrace the ups and downs of life—they make for one hell of a story.

24.  Find a way to surprise yourself at least once a week.

25.  Keep in touch with the ones you love—and make more of an effort to do so.

26.  You can always be more thankful. Always.

27.  Focus on the things you want, but never, ever take what you have for granted.

28.  Be more patient.

29.  Stop worrying about 10, 20, 30 years from now. You’re so worried about the future, you’re missing the ‘right now’. Let go of your fear---and just live.

While this all might be common sense, and most of it is---some of these affirmations, life words of wisdom, etc. are a lot easier said than done. Nevertheless, I truly believe if you write things down, you have more of a tendency to digest them. So that’s what I’ve done. I know that this is going to be a huge year of reflection for me. Since I’m going into my 9 year. It might drive me insane, but it also might be good. I think I’m ready for it though.

What's life anyway, without a little insanity?

A.

Who the heck is Pablo anyway? (Insert crying laughing face here)

Current Age: 28

Gym Status: On the grind, most of the time

Dating Status: Nonexistent

Goals: Unsure

Accomplishments 2015-16:

• Surviving a tornado
• Sauntering through a grand total of 2 Spartan Races without dying or losing an eye
• Lowering my cholesterol; therefore increasing my bio-metric screening score at work 

Let’s get introspective, right now.

What is your current opinion of yourself? 

Does it vary day-to-day, or is it pretty consistent? 

Lately, I’ve been turning this topic over in my mind. It’s something I think of often, mostly because I don’t have a very high self-opinion. I wish I did. But I have never been the kind of person to really really love themselves. This, I know, is my most unattractive quality. More unattractive than the last 40 pounds I am self convinced I need to get rid of.

Let’s ponder though, where our self-opinion comes from. What develops it?  What fosters it?  Where does our intrinsic love or loathing come from?  I think that it’s a combination of many things, nevertheless, I believe that it comes from the way that we see ourselves, and unfortunately the way we think others see us.

My entire life, I’ve always been on the chubby side. Minus college.  College, I was thinner than I was in high school.  Being chubby, in my experience, is painful. You just feel like you’re constantly trying to escape yourself. You wish that you could be outside of who you really are physically, which causes you to want to be outside of who you really are mentally as well.  It’s hard to understand that your physical appearance does not define the person you really are. There are plenty of beautiful people out there who are evil miscreants. People are people. No matter what they look like.

Just recently, I was looking through recent pictures that I had been tagged in. Throughout my entire weight loss journey, I learned how to pose in such a way that would limit what kind of imperfections people would see in the picture. Tilt your head just so, in case someone sees a potential double chin, or wrinkle. Part your hair this way, so that it’s not looking too thin on top. Pop your hip out that way, so that you look longer and thinner than you really are. It’s fucking exhausting. At the end of the day, I look at the pictures, and don’t even like them anyway, so I end up overthinking how badly I wish I could change the imperfections that I so blatantly see.

2013-A year of deep self introspection.

2014-Lost 40 so pounds. This was my crowning achievement. The year of all years. This is where I really came into myself. Left the old life behind and started anew. This was my year.

2015-Total pounds lost: 50. Two Spartan races and a giant blister later…I was really rocking it.

I love to look back at my progress. It actually makes me feel happy.  I often get discouraged, because I feel like I have this huge mountain to get over in order to achieve what I think is necessary in order to feel like I am where I want to be physically. I go to Orange Theory, and I work out, and when we have to face the mirror for floor exercises, I turn myself away from it if I can. Because I again focus on every little imperfection that I see. At work, we have elevators with reflective doors. I try to turn away from those, because I hate looking at my entire reflection. I again, see everything.

At this point, you’re probably saying ‘Alex, you need help’.

But wait, here’s the redeeming part of this blog:

I might turn away from the mirror at OT. But when I do this, I think about my first month of that workout regimen. Every time I’d get there, I’d be so nervous. I would immediately get on the treadmill because it was the worst part of the workout routine. I’d sort of saunter along, and when the time came, I would always walk when we were supposed to be in an active recovery base pace. When it came to do an ‘All-Out’ I would sort of increase my speed two notches and roll with it. I think about my feelings about the running portion of OT now, and I get pretty excited. Inclines still kill me, but I go all out during All Out(s)! Wednesday night, I started my all out at a 6, increased to a 7, and finished at a 7.5.

7.5. It was an incredible feeling. A feeling that I cannot describe. It’s this sense of sheer joy. I can compare it to the way a person would feel when they’ve figured something out for the first time. It feels damn good. I look back to everything I feel about myself when I catch a glimpse of random reflections, and I say ‘Listen, you are by far, miles ahead of where you were during this time in 2013.’

Then I, I say to myself…..

Let yourself appreciate it.

It’s tough, but I think that slowly I am letting myself appreciate the things I am able to do now. At the end of the day, I know that I have come such a long way. The girl I was almost 4 years ago, was such a different person. If I saw her on the street today, and attempted conversation, I probably wouldn’t know her at all.  This is an amazing feeling, and it outshines all of the negative things I sometimes think about when I look in the mirror.

You, see, there’s so much more to life than negativity---and life’s too short to ignore all of the amazing things you’re capable of.

As Bruce Lee once said:

“If you always put a limit on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.”

Here’s to my inner struggle….and moving beyond it.

A.

The Hourglass

Time. It's precious, and I discuss it quite often. We base our lives on time. We move through our days constantly looking at the clock. Will I be late for work?  When will this class end?  When do I finally get to go home? When I think back to my childhood, I remember I could not wait to drive. I couldn't wait to turn 21, and I surely was excited to turn 25 for that famed car insurance discount. Now I wish I could go back in time, sometimes. Just to relive the moments I think I might have missed out on.

Time isn't just something I think we should just throw or wish away. It's what we are built on. It's what we take for granted, yet it's what we cherish. It is funny to think about. Those 10 extra minutes of sleep that I covet every morning....those are 10 minutes I know I am wasting. Valuable time, just gone. Then I am typically rushing around to get out of the house on time. Regardless of the rush, I still stall as long as humanly possible just to avoid being productive. It's a shame, but maybe there's something about the physical rush that gives me mental stimulation. Really, though, let's be honest. This is me we're talking about. No mental stimulation comes from the stress of being rushed. I'm just lazy.

So what am I talking about here?  Well, honestly, I am not talking about being late for work, or even stalling to go somewhere. I am talking about time, and about how 'life's deadlines' just sort of seem to pass some of us by. Very recently, I started thinking about myself, and where my life is at now. When I first started this blog, I was very worried about being alone. More than starting over, more than finding myself. I was worried about who I would be without another person. For quite some time, I thought that being with someone was the very thing that defined who I was. I was, in all essence, very mistaken.

3 years, 2 (almost 3) weddings later, and 1.5 caught bouquet(s)....I couldn't be more wrong. Well, sort of. You see, for awhile, I didn't mind being me by myself. There's something liberating about doing your own shit, when you want to. It's also funny---especially when others are like 'Be careful here, and don't talk to someone there, and be aware of things at this place, etc...etc...'.  Well, I go everywhere by myself---and I am still alive. Impending doom hasn't caught up with me thus far, so I think we're okay. Nevertheless, attending events sort of makes you realize, that you are 'doing your own shit'....with yourself....all of the time. Every single day.

I suppose it's always been in the back of my mind...but hasn't really bothered me. It's always been a thought, like "Gee, pretty sure 3 years of being single means that I might be alone forever." Match.com has been a bust, and Tinder, while entertaining, just doesn't really do it's thing for me. I am not the kind of person to approach someone in a bar---AND have realized that I am more than overly picky when it comes to dating. It's probably a defense mechanism to be honest.

Very recently, it was brought to my attention that I was perhaps 'ruined'.  That's the way it was put. And while I don't think that it was meant to come off the way that it sounds, it did feel the way that it sounds. Ruined. Interesting term. Nevertheless, potentially true. At 28 years old, I am living my life the way I think I was supposed to at 21. Free. I think I am a little late to the party. Somehow, though, I am oddly at peace with that.

This is where the timing of my life sort of comes into play. At 28, it's clearly evident to me, that I should probably be in a different life stage. Do I want to be loved by someone else? Sure. But, at this juncture, I just feel like I want to be free. I don't want to sacrifice anything for anyone. This might be a product of past experiences, because the right person will just fit into my life without any sacrifice. It will just be. Here's the thing, I know that I am not ruined. Because even before my past, I wasn't confident enough to approach a guy in the bar just randomly. Let's be honest, I don't even like to ask grocery store attendants questions. That's just me.

I think, rather, I am stronger than I ever was. I feel that I don't have to live by any certain time standard in order to find my happiness. Rather, I think that figuring out where I am supposed to go, and what I am supposed to do is where my happiness lies. If I am 'right' with me, I can be 'right' with everything else. At this point, I just don't care. It's sad, and it's sort of counterproductive to what I am trying to achieve.

So I guess here's where I'm at. While being alone does come with it's pain, I don't want to feel forced into making something work just for the sake of being with someone. We often measure our worth through the approval of others. I'm not really about that life anymore. While you want people to accept you, and you want them to approve of the things you say and the choices you make---at the end of the day, you're the one who puts yourself into bed at night. I know that mantra seems sort of one-sided, and there have been plenty of people that I couldn't thank enough for being there when I needed them. However, I feel like living by your own standard of happy is where you really need to be. So here's to my awkward self. I'm going to keep on keepin'. I just don't really want to keep watching the sand in the hourglass anymore. It's too much. The way I see it, I'll just let time do it's thing.

We can't stop it, afterall.....

A.