2-0-2-1: I've Got Nothing Better

 2021.

Well here we are. It's been two years since my last post (**queue meme of old Rose from Titanic**). 

I've had plenty to say/share, but no motivation to do so. I mean, let's be honest, there hasn't been a shortage of people's thoughts lately. Candidly, not for the last two years. When I go back and read these 'Al' gems, words written on the pages of the interweb(s) telling you all my thoughts and feelings, I sometimes feel embarrassed. Other times, I'm like, dang girl, you were profound. In many ways I still am, I just keep those gems to myself. 

So where are we at? Well, it's currently 11:13A, and I'm sitting in my home office, listening to the dogs bark at what I'm assuming is a squirrel or a blade of grass moving. One can't be too sure. But these are the things we've gotten used to over the course of the last two  years. Dogs barking, kids in meetings, etc. These days, when you're on a call, and your dog starts barking insanely, or opens the door behind you, you no longer have to apologize. Because, well, that's real life. It's the commonality of every day human existence. 

Human existence. The very thing that has been called into question since March of 2020. Now, I'm not trying to get all philosophical--and I am not saying that I sit here every day pondering this very subject. Times have been scary for quite a few. It's all about the unknown, or what people think they know. Or what people don't know, but think they know. Or, what we just simply, hands down, don't know at all. It's been  like a game of  'Let's try this....finger's crossed' for a bit, and then we learn I suppose. But I'm not here to be political, or talk about the pandemic. I guess what I'm here to do, is something I've been wanting to do. And that's write. Write without a purpose or end-goal in mind. And if you want to read it, then read it. If you don't, then I suggest you stop here.

As I sat down to write this, I thought to myself 'Man, you're really off of your game. You don't really have much to say at all'. I've been spending time with my inner dialogue for the better part of two years now, and I've written some great content in my head. But then I never actually write it down. So it's lost forever in the diary of my brain. 

But here's what I do know. 

Life has been strange. In my last blog, was riding high after a year of successes. First time trips, new house, promotion, etc. This blog, I'm complacent. Maybe it's because I spent the better part of a year feeling like every day was the same. Maybe it's because we've all gotten used to just going with the flow, adjusting to our new-found routines without skipping a beat. Maybe it's because, whether we want to admit it or not, time has flown--and we haven't stopped to catch up. They say you shouldn't look back. Isn't that the way of our friend Walt Whitman? "Keep your face always toward the sunshine, and the shadows will fall behind you." Thanks, Walt. I agree with Walt's sentiments, in that we cannot fix the past. We cannot change it. Nevertheless, I also believe, that human nature dictates we're almost handcuffed to it. Maybe handcuffed isn't the right terminology. I think the past is a big part of who we are and who we choose to become. 

I have grown so much since I started writing this blog in 2012. If you knew me then, and you know me now, you know that the person sitting behind this screen today is very different. I often wrote of the feeling that the world was passing me by. Like I was in a time warp, and life kept moving, but I just stood in the center of the earth and watched it. I don't necessarily feel that way today. I think sometimes we all invest time in the things that fulfill us. For some, the journey of finding those things is half of the story. The constant pursuit of happiness, that keeps us moving. That pursuit, while exciting, can also be damn frustrating at the same time. I am a firm believer that we are, at any given time, exactly where we are supposed to be. Understanding, that what I am trying to say here, is that there is a pressure around this concept of time. Which is, in fact, the one thing we can never get back. Ever. 

Time is a funny thing. It's the most quiet thief we know. An unrelenting reminder of the one thing that isn't promised to us. Remember sitting in class, watching the clock? I do, specifically in math (mostly because I hate math). I wonder now, how many seconds I wished away in my life. And dang, that sits with you for a minute. Because I think of all the time I wish I had back. There's this sense in which, I want to create the most meaningful life I can. That means different things for each of us. For some it's creating a personal legacy--in whatever manner you see fit. For others, it's leaving a lasting impression on this tiny planet of ours. I don't claim to know much about creating a meaningful life--nor do I claim to be an expert on the best use of time. I mean, let's be honest, it's December 21st, and I haven't wrapped one Christmas present. But I do know something about the meaning of time---since I'm fairly obsessed with this concept, as we all know. 

2020-2021 presented us with a lot of challenges (here come's the HR speak). But it did give us a gift in a way. It gave us time. Yes, we all got tired of sitting in our homes. Yes, we got tired of watching Tiger King, and finding things to do when we couldn't go out and about. And yes, we felt it--when all we wanted to do was hug a loved one. Those things, those are the things that set us back. But we also came to an understanding of balance. Of really taking things in, of really sitting and appreciating the things that matter. So yes, when I went to get an emissions test in the summer of 2020, and I had to sit in a line for 60 minutes, I didn't even care. Because my heart was still beating, and the sun was shining---and time, well, it wasn't such a quiet thief anymore. Time and I had come to an understanding. That I was going to give it the credence it deserved--and that perhaps if I didn't wish it away, then we'd figure out how to coexist. How to make the most of the things life throws at us. 

As I like to often tell you all--there are many things I am, and many things I am not. As much as I try, I know that I will never stop being the person that's in their own head. I've come to terms with that, because it's who I've always been. I also know, that I will never be satisfied. Don't get concerned, I don't mean that in a bad way. I just know, that I will always push to be better in the ways that I see fit. To make that lasting impression, not for others, but for myself. As long as my legs keep working, I'll keep running--and I think that's all any of us can ever do. Embrace what happens in the moment (good or bad), and take it as time's lesson to us all. 

As we look to 22', there's' often this inherent need to plan ahead. Map out our goals, set our sights on the good to come. I've done some of this. But I've also learned the importance of baby steps. I know that many of us continue the pursuit of things that make us feel whole. But as we go into this next year, I encourage you to think about the things that make you fee whole now. Those are the things that keep you going today--and if there happens to be something missing, then figure out the small ways to obtain that missing piece of the puzzle. Don't forget along the way, to take in every moment.

As I round this out, I'd like to think that I can promise it won't be another two years before I share (what might seem to some) my random thoughts. The end of the year just always seems like a nice time to tie things together. But I don't think I can make that promise. Who knows--

It goes without saying, that I wish you all health & happiness in 2022. 

A.

2-0-1-9

Someone recently asked me if I still blog. The answer to that is simple. But it isn't. Do I blog? Yes. Most of it is in my head, on a Monday morning, in the shower. Or on a Thursday evening, in the car, on a drive home. It's never simple, but at the same time, never overly meaningful either.  It's mostly things I'm thinking, or things I perhaps should have said to one person or another. 

I suppose you're all wondering why I choose to write now. The truth is, I've been pondering getting back into it for awhile. It's been a good year. It's been an amazing year. So I thought I'd do a little recap---and also share some thoughts that have been rolling around in my head for a bit. Not for you, but mostly for me. Because I rarely bask in my own greatness...and I think I deserve that in this moment. Then, I thought again. Some people had a difficult year. Some had a challenging decade. And so, then you wonder. Do I share? 

So  I'm going to take a different spin. It's been a decade. Which is strange--because I don't really think the 'decades' have been a thing over the course of my last 32 years. You just kind of float from one year to the next, and live your life. Within that there are moments to celebrate, moments meant to teach you something. People come and go. Babies are born. Loved ones are lost. And time keeps rolling. Because time stops for no one. When I think if the last 10 years, they've been filled with changes.

• Started the decade teaching. Thought it's what I really wanted. Thought I was meant to lead our younger generations. But, to be honest, it just wasn't for me.
• So I made a decision. Changed my career direction. Went into HR. 
• Was faced with the end of a relationship. Now, if you've read any of the last blogs--you'll know it broke me at the time. Sent me into a tailspin. Reading back, I'm a little embarrassed of how much I let it infiltrate my life. Because I wasn't just me. I was also another person. And my identity (at the time) was that of a couple. Not a single. 
• I gained weight.
• I got laid off.
• My car legit got hit by a trampoline in a tornado. Not even lying, it was a real thing. 
• I watched someone I loved fade right in front of my very eyes. And there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. 
• Lost a dog. 

But, okay. Like, those are all the bad things. Over time, I've learned that's what we tend to focus on--because those are the things that sort of set us back on what we assume is the path we're supposed to be on. In all of those things, though, here's what happened as a result:

• Through that career change I was able to find my true passion. 
• The loss of that relationship showed me just how strong I am on my own. It saved me from living a life that I know now would've been super unhappy. Allowed me to travel, go places, meet new people, rekindle old relationships and build my own happiness. It taught me that I am not breakable. That I might have been broken in the moment, but I CAN make it on on my own. Through that, I embraced my family. Hugged my friends a little harder. And nothing can compare to the love I have in my life now. The love they have all unconditionally given me.
• I LOST weight. Found a groove in the gym. Figured out a rhythm. And that's what taught me that I honestly can achieve something when I've made my mind up that it needs to happen. That nothing or no one can stand in my way. 
• I found a new job.  And I've grown in it. Built professional relationships that I'm proud of--and continue to look for ways to make myself better. More knowledgeable. 
• My car got fixed. Because at the end of the day, a car is just a car. Everything, with the exception of people, can be replaced. 
• Losing someone you love is never easy. Watching them fade is just as hard. But it's easier when there are people who are there along the way. People who will hold you, cry with you, talk to you. And that is what you learn. You're never really alone.
• In turn, my friends have brought new life into this world, and man, it's pretty amazing to watch those little ones grow and become their own people. 

I've traveled. I bought a house. Even when I thought I was behind everyone. Like I was stuck. Like I wasn't following the timeline that society had set out for me. But I set goals, and I achieved them in my own time. I've also learned to embrace the success of others. Because their happiness is important. And just because you're not where you want to be, it's important to love and celebrate them as much as they do for you. 

And so, I'll tell you how I've decided to think of these last 10 years. Sure, they had their challenges. But that is life. It's never seamless. But what I also want to tell you, is that it's brought me closer to friends I know I'll have for a lifetime. It's helped me grow closer to my sister---and we've strengthened our bond. We've had so many laughs, a few cries, a few fights. But we're stronger now than ever. It's shown me how strong my mom is--and I'm so blessed to have a woman like her to lean on when I need her. It's helped me, be me. 

And I think, that's all we can hope for in this life. So even if 2019 wasn't too great for you, please know that I'm cheering for you. That better things are on the horizon. That even if you don't feel okay about this year, or even the last 10 years, that good things will happen. Because the darkness can't last forever. But please promise me,  you won't wish time away. Because every moment (even the sucky ones) is precious. 

Wishing you happiness, health, love and success in the coming years.

A. 

2019: Plans for Routine Deviation

I've been watching a lot of television lately. With the winter in full force, it's been all that's available on the menu. I've been reading more frequently. I've been writing more frequently. So much so, that I'll wake up to a thought in the middle of the night--and I will feel compelled to write it down.

I don't want to miss a thought, because I never know when I'm going to come to life's next biggest conclusion. Always is this constant place--searching for the answers.

It's been quite some time since I've felt compelled to write using this medium.

This has been a year of doing what I want. It's about 'Once in a Lifetime Opportunities.' Like, spending a little more money on Bears tickets because it was the playoffs. Or, saying 'Fuck it' and purchasing that ticket to England. Because it's what I want to do. There's more than that though. Because I realize, that as I'm typing this paragraph all of the things I named above seem quite superficial. That's not my intention. Spending money does not equal happiness. But if you know, me...like really know me...you know I rarely step out of the safe zone.

Let's face it...I've got a lot of 'issues.' I care too much about what other's think. I let my routines dictate my life. To the extent that when the routine gets thrown off, it causes me extreme anxiety. To the point where that disruption causes me immense unhappiness. But, as I've worked out with my therapist...that's what anxiety is. I can't handle a small change in plans--because when I've already set something up in my mind to happen a certain way...that slight deviance just throws me into this tailspin. But the routine is safe. It's a sure thing. Because for the most part, I control that...

Plans. Those are not a sure thing. I guess...at 31...I should have learned that by now. In love, in life, in human mortality. When the things that I assumed were 'sure' were disrupted...it was devastating. A breakup, a death. Those are big life things that people have to deal with. Normal life things.

So how does one like me...'cope' with the aforementioned (what I perceived to be) 'devastating' life blows? You put up walls. You carry it all around with you. You only let people see what you want them to see. You refuse to take chances. You push people away. You pour yourself into work. You sit in your office until 9P to make sure you've finished all the small things you need to do. You hide behind your computer until midnight typing up notes for the COO---because you know if there's one thing you can be good at, it's your job. You convince yourself that you don't have an appetite because you feel like you've lost progress. You hide behind the comforts because you're not where you think you're supposed to be.

But all of those things above just cause one thing. Loneliness. Hiding behind all of those things don't allow for growth. Stepping away from the things that you think are 'safe' does. Letting go of your deepest fears does. Figuring out what you want--and not accepting what other people want for you does.

And here's what I think I'll learn from that:

• Accepting your imperfections and embracing them to point will lead to more visible happiness. 
• Stepping away from constantly trying to please others will make you more independent.

 I'm sure there will be plenty more to learn along the way. And I think the soul searching I've embarked upon--perhaps I will find what happiness means to me. Because feeling less than, is so exhausting.

More to come.

A.

Gold Dust Woman

I have a thirst for something more. I think that most people in life do. Or at least that is what I assume. It's interesting to think that some live a life of sheer content. Content with their jobs, their spouse, their home, etc. Never yearning for something that's just slightly out of reach. Maybe contentment is fine. Maybe we're meant to just find that fit one day (and I'm not talking about 'The One'). What I mean is, perhaps one day we are supposed to let go, and just know where we're at is just where we need to be.

Then again, there's always that nagging thought 'What does more mean, and why do you yearn for it?' What do you want?

The answer to that question is 'I literally have no clue.'

I would say over the course of the last 6 months I've gone through a lot of transformation. So much pondering. SO MUCH. Lots of travels. Those things are good. It gives me a chance for some introspection as well as an opportunity to view the world with a whole new set of eyes. On the flip side, though, it feeds this beast that grows by the day inside of me. No, kids, not like some weird mystical creature or anything like that...I'm not psychotic. It's this beast that just knows I've got to do something. It's like over the course of the last 2-3 months I can let fears go--and I can put myself into an uncomfortable place that I know might be good for me.

I have spent so much time feeling sorry for myself. And people are not afraid to tell me that I live there. I will full on admit that I have lived in a place of self-negativity since approximately 1997. At least since I was old enough to even understand what it meant to be 'self-conscious.' If you know me well enough, you know I can find at least 10 different ways to either make fun of or insult myself during a conversation. It's kind of sad. In fact, it's downright tiring for those that do spend quite a bit of time with me. There are so many good things about Alex Spivey that outweigh the things I think might be bad. Shit happens--and that's rough. It's like my favorite Rocky quote:

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"

Sounds cliche. And it is. But Sly is right. Life will beat you to your knees and keep you there. Because life doesn't stop. And it doesn't care what's happened to you over the course of a month or a year, etc. It just keeps going. Sometimes we make our own beds, and so, we have to lie in them. Sometimes shit just happens by chance. Because, well, you know, as Jeff Spivey used to say 'We make plans...God laughs." Often times that 'shit' just throws you into a tailspin, causing much wallowing and sometimes self deprecation. But I'm telling you right now, sometimes, it just pushes you in a different direction. Kind of like the stock market. The highs and lows of life. Sometimes life altering, sometimes devastating, sometimes downright fruitful. It just is. 

Pause. What am I getting at here? Honestly, today's entry is giving you 1:1 insight into the mind that is mine--and has been mine over the course of the last 4 months or so. If there's one thing I know..it's that I want to make efforts to do something good for me for once. I don't know what that is, and I don't know what that means. Because right now my brain is like that of a 16 year old kid (with a tinge more logic because I guess my brain is fully developed by now). I can't make a decision about what I need to do to quench my current life thirst.

First mission of this new life path I'm on is to figure that out. To that I say...

Rock on gold dust woman...take your sliver spoon...

A.  

Dear Dad...

365 Days.


I typed one set of numbers and one word, and now I just sit here watching the cursor blink on the screen. It's almost mesmerizing.

What do you say? And when do you stop feeling like you need to say something? When do you stop feeling like you're saying too much? When do you stop feeling like you tell the same stories over and over and over again?

When do you feel like you can finally let go and be okay with it?

Is it okay to let go and be okay with it?

I don't have these answers, and it would seem as though others seem to have the same standard answers. You know the ones I'm talking about, right?

• He's always with you
• He can hear you
• He would be proud

Maybe you would, maybe you wouldn't. It's never possible to predict what any one person would say or feel about the things you're doing or the way you live your life. I can't make that prediction. I can only guess what you might say or think about certain situations.

Truth is, not much has changed in these 365 glorious days. I mean, I guess with me. You were gone, and in the blink of an eye, time stopped. And everything just hung in the balance. Thrown into slow motion, like in the movies where you're standing in a room and everything moves around you all distorted. Then someone hit the remote, and life was thrust into fast forward. And there was me, standing in the same room, watching the same people move from slow to fast. I went from seeing nothing, to seeing everything. I went from standing in that very same room, saying nothing...to just standing there, screaming my lungs out...and no one could hear me. I guess those are the motions of grief though. And the motions are personal, and they're angering, and they're terrifying, and they're lonely.

The vision that is stuck in my head is like a movie of February 20, 2017-February 25, 2017. And I won't go into the details of that movie here. But my brain is set on repeat, and I just see you looking at me like you want to say something...but you can't. And it literally breaks my heart into pieces.

Maybe someday those memories will fade...and the good ones will return.

I don't know why I decided to write you a letter in the form of a blog. I suppose I just didn't know what else to say. What I do want to do, is tell you about all of the good things that have happened since you've been gone:

• Babies have been born
• People have gotten married 
• People have moved on and found happiness in new states
• New opportunities have come to those that have least expected it 
• People have been able to better themselves 
• Good music continues to come out 
• Travels have occurred and are still in the works 
• Oh, and I got the courage up to ask for an office...and I'm getting one...and it's pretty legit

 And it hasn't stopped. The sun keeps shining, the world keeps turning, and there's still beauty to see. I think, at the end of the day, that's all you want. Shit happens, and sure, sometimes we feel stuck, but you know what? That's life. We're all going to keep on living, and with a little shine. Because after all, what else should we do?

I want you to know that I've been both happy and sad. I've been lonely, but also full of love. I've often hidden my grief from the world, or tried to at least, because I feel like it's such an intensely private thing. I've forced smiles sometimes, and have tried to hide tears...because I just don't want people to see that part of me all of the time.

You and I had many talks about life. And recently I read a very thought provoking question:

If you died tomorrow, would you be satisfied? Would you be happy with what you have done?

I think, my answer would be 'No'.

If we were having this conversation you would say:

D: Why do you say that?
A: Because there's so much I should have done or should be doing by now.
D: Why do you think that?
A: Because it seems like the right progression of things that should happen in one's life
D: What's stopping you?
A: Me. I'm afraid. So I focus all of my energy into other things.
D:  Then I guess you know what you need to do then, don't you?
A: Yes.
D: You do what you need to do. 

I know what I need to do. I don't know how exactly I'm going to get there. But I want you to know I'll get there someday. No matter what I have to do.
 

Lastly...
Even though I act tough, I want you to know that I do wonder if you're proud of me. There are times when I do something, and I know it to be true. There are other times, when I just wish I had the validation. But I guess, deep down inside, I don't need it. I love you every day, a thousand times over. Always. And I'll keep doing my best to roll along...because in the words of our good friend:

"After all, it's what we've done that makes us what we are."
                                                                                                -Jim Croce



Love Always,
Alexandria 




WJS
07/27/57-02/25/17

"Music's the only thing that makes sense anymore, man. Play it loud enough, it keeps the demons at bay."

Let’s test your sense of self for a moment. Shall we?  We’re going to play a game of sorts. So…if you don’t’ like games, stop reading now.

Close your eyes.  Well, no, I guess you can’t close your eyes and keep reading this at the same time. So, don’t close your eyes. Focus. Imagine taking a moment to step outside yourself. So, you’re no longer really ‘you’ at the moment. You’re someone else, looking at yourself. Now, as yourself this question, “WHO, is that?” Now, who do you see? Notice there I didn’t say ‘What do you see?’ Who do you see? It’s an interesting way to sort of ponder your ‘person’, who you are, what you stand for, where you’re going, etc. My professional recommendation is that you take the time to do this once and a while (but not too often---because then you get caught up in too many life ponderings) so that you can channel your chi.

Lately I have been participating in this exercise perhaps a little too much. I spent the better part of 6.5 hours a few weeks ago trudging through mud, climbing up hills, and trying not to fall off of a small cliff into a wooded ravine. Really, when one is presented with this situation, the only logical thing to do, is ponder every aspect of life imaginable. Which, in my case really isn’t anything all that unusual. I thought about a lot of things during those 6.5 hours. As I write this, I am laughing because, someone has been telling me for years that they always wonder what it would be like to be inside of my head. I always reply, ‘Well, you’d probably be begging to get out after being in there for 5 minutes.’ Funny thing, my mind. It. Never. Stops. Ever. The same person, has told me she can always tell when the wheels are turning. So…for those of you who are just dying to get inside my brain for a bit, here are just a few of my life ponderings during those 13.1 miles (or 6.5 hours).

·       

•  Please don’t fall, please don’t fall   
• Shit.
• Note to self: check body for ticks after this
• I knew I wasn’t as ready for this as I should have been   
• Do not let yourself down
• You won’t let yourself down
• Okay, we’ve got this, we’re going, we’re running
• Uniform 901-3213
• Repeat the above over and over for about 20 minutes
• Branch, bugs, trees, nature, so itchy
• It’s hot
• I’m hungry
• How much longer do we have to do this for?
• I miss my dad, God to I miss him
• Don’t start crying, you’re fine
• I wonder what other people are doing today?
• What time is it?
• What if there’s a snapping turtle in one of these mud lakes I have to trudge through? What if it bites my toe, and then I have no toe?
• Serious life question, do left handed people prefer their computer mouse on the left side?
• I’m going to be 30 in 3 months. How did that happen?
• God. For being 30, I sure as shit haven’t mastered the ‘adulting’ thing
• Well, if you haven’t mastered it, or you think you haven’t mastered it, let’s make a plan right here, right now in these woods to master it…
• Oh, that’s right, you’re like the worst at following any life plan that you lay out for yourself
• That’s why you can’t take yourself seriously
• But are you happy?
• ………are you?
• Hello?
• No.
• Well, what makes you happy?
• I don’t know right now. Getting out of these woods and crossing that finish line would make me happy.
• Okay, let’s focus on that.
• But really though, who am I and what am I supposed to do? What is my purpose?
• Time will only tell…..
• God, my hip hurts and I smell like a dirty hobo……………….

I could potentially write about 4 more pages worth of bullets. But I think I’ll spare you all from the inner workings of my brain. If you’re reading this blog, I am guessing that you’ve been reading my work for at least a little bit of time. So you know me on many levels. Through heartbreak, and depression, and life achievements, weight loss celebrations, and hilarious match.com date stories. You, readers, know the truest me.

Someone at work once started reading my blog….and told me that he finished all 50 (at the time) over the course of two nights. He said, it made him happy and sad, but also that he felt like he knew me better after reading. This is me, this is who I am. I think that a lot of people feel a great deal of things in life. Some of us express those things in different ways. I used to think I was crazy, always jumping from one thought to the next without any break. But this is me. Raw truth and all. Feelings are real, both happy and sad, and that’s what it is. 

So where am I going with this today? I just realized that this blog today is super unfocused. Perhaps that’s because I feel that way on so many levels of my life right now. Two years ago, I believe, I wrote about the Girl in the Snow Globe (if you need a refresher, go back to that blog and read, it’s a gem). I, of course, was the girl. In a lot of ways, I still am. Actually, in all ways, really. I always have this tendency to feel sorry for myself, in a way. Like, I’m a good person, how come I am so stuck, blah, blah, blah. At the end of the day, when a person is feeling stuck, they only have one person to blame. Themselves. I can say that, beyond a doubt, 100%. Life circumstances are life circumstances, sure. Great. But if you’re stuck, or you’ve been feeling that way for a long time, it’s about time that you ask yourself one question:

What have I been doing to keep myself here?

Some of us, are stuck, because whether we like it or not, there might be some semblance of comfort in the place(s) we’ve chosen to tuck ourselves into. I complain a lot. I look at other people, and where they’re at, and I wonder why I can’t do those things. A few weeks ago, I did do something. I walked away from that finish line happy, yet still reeling from being stuck in my head all day long. This carried into the week. It stuck with me for 5 days. I cried twice this week during conversations with two separate individuals. Same conversation. Me asking what I’m supposed to be doing. What my purpose is, and how to move forward and get out of this rut.

The answer from both individuals was simple, really:

You have to figure out what makes you happy.

I’ve spend a good majority of my life making others happy. If others are happy, then I’m happy because life is generally harmonious and all that jazz. I’ve spent a good majority of my life thinking happiness lies in physical appearance, in things owned and achieved, etc. Until a few weeks ago, when my horoscope sort of rounded out the inner turmoil of this week in an almost perfect way:

Today, Leo, you need to recognize that happiness does not come from outside sources. While it would certainly be nice to have more money, a bigger house, a spectacular vacation, or whatever else you might be dreaming of, if you aren’t happy at the soul level, it won’t really matter. You may be focused on some goal that you think will make the difference in your life between happiness and unhappiness, but you can be happy no matter what. There will always be another goal to aim for, but happiness should be a constant condition.

So today I ask this question, in a more honest manner than I have ever asked it before. What do I need to do in order to make myself happy? When I look at myself, I know that a lot of people see what I see. They see good. Yet, they also see an easily irritated, easily flustered (nearly) 30 year old woman, who builds up her walls so high that she’s created her own barriers. A woman who hides her demons, and just pretends all is well, all the while just struggling to figure out where to go and what to do. I’ve been saying this since I started this blog in 2012. It’s a question that I don’t think we ever stop asking in life. No matter who you are, what happens in your life or how ‘happy’ or ‘sad’ you are. There’s no straight path to get to where you’re going in life, even if you are ‘going’ somewhere per say.

At this present juncture, I cannot give you the answer to the question that I ask so often. I don’t know that I will ever be able to. I honestly can’t even give you an ultimate purpose or intention for this blog. What I can say, and do know at the moment, is that life is boring living in the walls you’ve built up so high. Even though they’re meant to protect, they often shelter you in a way that ends up hurting you in the long run. Let the walls down, and even though you might get hurt in the process of living your life, at least you didn’t spend it wondering where you’re supposed to be and who you could be if you hadn’t taken shelter in your castle.

And…

Even though you’re vulnerable….like a man on a paintball mission….you might just be able to see a little light and the end of the path you’re running down.

Hold On Loosely

Spring is most definitely in the air. Warm weather means a great deal of things for me. It means Monroe and I can take journeys to the dog park, or to the field behind Woodland Elementary School. It means that the sun will be out for more than just a day at a time. It means cookouts, camping and bonfires. It means laughs with friends, and random adventures with my sister. The warm weather holds so much promise. Yet, it also holds sadness. A sadness that I didn't really think ever existed. Not until Sunday, when I got the real first taste of summer's touch.

I woke up Sunday morning, to the sun touching my face through the side of my blinds. As I opened my eyes, I could hear the faint sound of an engine running in the garage. I knew the sound all too well. It was a sound that a kid like me could never forget or mistake growing up. It was a sound that I'd often hear during the summer months. One of my favorite sounds ever. It was a motorcycle.I almost felt like a kid again. I literally jumped out of my bed so fast, put my contacts on, threw on a sweatshirt, and ran outside to the garage. This time, though, there was someone different standing next to the bike. It was my sister. I watched her roll the bike out into the driveway, and helped her check the tire pressure. She started the bike and sort of coasted to the street, revving the engine along the way. Just like that, she took off. And I just kind of stood there watching.

Just like I did with  my Dad when I was a kid.

Now, if you're friends with me on Snapchat, this would have been about the time I added the snap of Stephanie driving away to my story with a comment that read something like:

I wish I could do cool things, but I guess I'll just do lame Alex things like read a dumb Harvard Business Review. Because I suck. And Fail.

Not really sure if that's what I said verbatim---but it's pretty close, and pretty much along the lines of what I might have said at that time. So, after I had my small soap box moment. I proceeded to sit on the concrete apron of the garage, with my sister's dog. And cry. Like a child. It wasn't really an ugly cry, just tears. I sat there for awhile, until my Mom came outside. She asked me a question, and I answered it, and she could tell I was crying....so she asked what was wrong. Queue ugly crying.

A lot of what I explained to her, I'm sure, made absolutely no sense. I basically told her that I was sad, because I couldn't go with her. I can't ride, and my legs are too short, and I failed my class back in the day. And now, because of that, I can't enjoy the things she can enjoy, and it's a piece of my Dad, and he's never going to see me ride a motorcycle, etc., etc., etc.

You get the gist, right?

I felt bad, because I unloaded a whole bunch of shit on her. And I don't think this will end here. Summer was important to my Dad. He loved fishing and camping, and sitting in the garage watching the people go by, all the while listening to KHITS on the radio (which occasionally picks up Waukegan Airport air traffic control haha). Now, the chair is empty, and the garage is quiet. It's so eerie, and so sad.

Someone recently told me that I'm going to have these kinds moments. I understand this. I'm not new to grief. I know what it's like, and how I've dealt with it in the past. It's different this time around, just because I feel like a physical piece of me is gone. The saddest part about losing someone, is all of the things they will 'miss', and how much it hurts that they'll miss those things. Dad has been gone for almost two months now, and the time that has been passing feels both long and short at the same time. Sometimes I feel like he's been gone for 100 years. Other times, I feel like I talked to him just yesterday.

There's so much that comes with loss. The struggle that has found me----is appreciating and accepting the balance. When someone dies, there are so many people there for you. Just to generally make sure you're still alive. In my experience, that's when I wanted to talk to people the least. Now, almost two months later, it's like dead quiet. Once the service is over, everyone goes radio silent. It's nice, and it's also sort of sad at the same time. There's so much I feel on a day to day basis---so I try to just sort of weed through what's worth telling people and what to keep to myself. I've had many tell me it's not healthy to keep it in. Nevertheless, I am so used to that behavior, that it's just easier than depressing people with my inner thoughts. I'm rational, yet very irrational. Over the last month I've had this sudden urge to figure shit out pronto. I've gone from nearly applying to school to get a master's, to heavy budgeting, to thinking about obscene places to venture to. It's been difficult to get back into the swing of things. I've been going through the motions all too regularly, without much thought or care at all. It's just been whatever. And I've just sort of been okay with that. But not okay at the same time. Hoping that something more, something happier will find its way to me.

More than anything, I've been both surrounded but also very alone in this grieving process. Alone, is what I feel more than anything. Most people know that it's painful to lose someone. But I don't want to bring anyone down with the constant thoughts and memories that cross my mind each and every day. And while the rest of the world goes on with their lives, I'm just sort of starting to run with the pack again. All the while mustering up some kind of smile. Meanwhile on the inside, I just feel plain sad.  Now, don't get all concerned. This feeling doesn't follow me around all of the time. It's just kind of always hanging on, almost like a little annoying pimple that won't go away.

I will always carry a piece of my Dad with me, no matter what. I think that the things he loved will always hold a special place in my heart, and I truly believe the weekend of motorcycle activities, or lack thereof is what really set my feels off. I know, that if I put my mind to it, I can learn to ride, and I can pass the test. I think I am afraid of failing, of letting him down. I'm also sad that he won't be there to celebrate victory with me. Just like he won't be at the finish line for each of my Spartan Races this year. Despite all of these feelings, I must keep going, because I just can't stop living. And I can't keep everything in. If people don't want to hear my inner thoughts, then, well, they'll just have to tell me. Because everything is not fine, all of the time. And that's the way life works.

So here's to just figuring life out---even though a piece of it's missing.

A.